UPJOKE
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An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

Good old Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill. Who? Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It woul...

Just found out one of the ladies who sang "Push It" has Parkinson's

She's a Salt-N-Pepa shaker now

The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by.

He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well.

The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most. "That'd have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you'll find out!"

A granddaughter asked, "What do you usually eat?"

"Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, y...

Katy Perry sang that after a hurricane comes a rainbow, but you know what else comes after a hurricane?

A moron in a suit.

A friend introduced me to this beautiful lady. Trying to impress, witty me sang a song with her name as the title that just came on top of my head.

I must say, Roxanne was not impressed when I told her she didn’t have to put on the red light.

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

I heard a joke today

Jack: I stood under my girlfriend's window and sang a love song to her. She threw me a flower.

Danny: then why is there a wound on your head?

Jack: she forgot to take the flowers out of the pot

I have an extremely rare phobia of Michael Jackson joining the group that sang "Stayin' Alive."

It gives me the Hee-Hee Bee Gees.

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

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*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

I sang the quadratic formula to my gf

I found 'x'

I've never liked the guy who sang Take On Me...

He always seemed kind of sketchy.

A few years ago, I used to live next door to both Dwayne Johnson and the pop group that sang ‘Take On Me’.

I was stuck between a Rock and A-ha’s place.

My wife sang, "What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?"

I replied, "Evidently not."

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

A famous singer sang for patients in a hospital.

He finished with a cheerful greeting:
-Bye-bye , and hope you get better!
-Thanks, you too! replied the patients.

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

[nsfw] Sinatra thought his wife was cheating on him, so he wrote her a song and sang it to her one night in bed. "Come to me..." he began crooning, and she swooned. She loved it when he sang to her...

He continued singing... "Your breath smells like..."

"...come to me!"

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

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Billy Joel must’ve been right when he sang “Only the Good Die Young”

Because now he’s old as shit.

I love you just the way you are, I passionately sang to my ex-grilfriend

Then I lay the flowers on her grave.

Fergie sang that anthem so bad

Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the anthem like that

What was the song that Vlad the Impaler's victims sang before they were killed?

Vladislav...Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me....no more...

Did you hear about Pinocchio's naughty girlfriend?

She sat and his face and sang "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies"

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

I sang Danny Boy at the nursing home the other day

There wasn't a dry seat in the house.

My doctor told me to sing a song while washing my hands

I sang American Pie and now my hands are bleeding.

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What did the pony say when he sang with a sore throat?

Sorry, I'm just a little hoarse!

3 guys checked into the hotel

Their room was on the 45th floor and administrator 1warned them, that elevator works just till 12pm. They left all bags at the room and went to the restaurant. When they arrived, the elevator was no longer working and they had to walk by foot. so it won't be so boring, they desided to tell some joke...

I finally convinced my hillbilly friend to get a Covid vaccination, but he doesn’t want Moderna.

He says, “ just because she sang some good pop songs back in the 80s don’t mean she knows how to make a vaccine!”.

When I worked as a spy...

I was tasked with capturing someone overseas and bringing them back to MI5 for interrogation. On an overnight layover I took the captive to a local karaoke bar where they sang a surprisingly fantastic version of Bohemian Rhapsody. Honestly, it was an extraordinary rendition!

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

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Taliban commander called a meeting.

-Fellow taliban fighters! Are we a great nation?!
- YEEEES!
- How come we still don’t have a nuke?!
- well... that’s a shame commander! Let’s get one!!
So they got together, built a huge rocket out of tree, emptied some space in the middle using axes, cooked some uranium-235 using old Am...

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A Morning Poem

I woke early one morning, The  earth lay cool and still. When Suddenly a tiny bird perched upon my window sill, He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away.   He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun, it seemed this very trilling, bro...

3 Nuns appear before St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Upon seeing the three, Peter states: "As I see that all three of you are women of faith. I see no reason to even look up the sins of your life to assess your worthiness to enter Heaven. However, I must test your faith by each asking you one question to see your knowledge of the holy book."

Th...

A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they...

A man was very fond of his new Corvette. So, he invited a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor to come and bless it.

The Priest sprinkled the car with holy water and chanted in Latin, the Pastor invoked the name of god and led everyone into silent prayer, and the Rabbi sang a hymn and cut of the tip of the car’s tailpipe.

21 Pilots

In 2016 during their tour,
21 Pilots performed in Brighton, Australia.
.
For that particular show,
For the entire show they sang their yet to be released songs.


Audience were enjoying at the beginning, by 1 hour mark they were demanding their hits to be performed.


...

A man named Jose moved to America...

A man named Jose moved to America and the first thing he does is go to a baseball game because it seemed like a very American thing to do. When he got there he had to sit by the flag and there were many tall people in front of him. Suddenly everyone in the stadium turned toward him and sang, "Jo-ose...

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

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My mate and I were walking along when we noticed a gang of bat carrying youths in our way. He said "Quick! Pretend we're the police."

I sang 'Every breath you take' But we still got the shit kicked out of us.

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John had a mistress...

John had a mistress from another country. One day his mistress calls and tells John that she booked a flight and was coming to meet him and spend a day there.

John wakes up early in the next morning and tells his wife that his uncle had passed away. He needed to go to the airport and meet s...

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

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Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." I...

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

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Please don't go waltzing COVID-19

Once a jolly swagman traveled to the China land,

And he came back symptom free,

And he sang as he shopped and he huddled til' his virus roiled,

"I'll go a'waltzing COVID-19"

Waltzing COVID, waltzing COVID

He went a'waltzing COVID-19

And he sang as he shopped...

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The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Sim...

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NSFW The National Anthem and a blowjob

While at lunch, Joe tells Phil that he hooked up with someone the previous night. Joe mentions that the woman he hooked up with (let's call her Ann) gave him some of the best head he's ever had. Curious about this amazing blowjob, Phil asks Joe what made it so special. Joe then says that Ann sang th...

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Two government officials go on a diplomatic tour.

One night, they are invited to a dinner with several other officials from different countries.
Having arrived at the dinner, the two officials see that the dinner tables are arranged with exquisite cutlery. They all sit down and start having dinner.
During dinner, official X sees official Y...

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

The nuns walk up to the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St. Peter.

"Hello ladies. In order to get into Heaven you have one final task. You all must answer one question each to enter the Holy Gates of Heaven."

The nuns each looked at each other and nodded in agreement.

Nun #1 ste...

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One guy tell his friends he got the best blowjob he ever had but there was 1 thing that bothered him......

She turned off the lights and started giving him the best blowjob he ever had but then she started singing the national anthem during it.

So his friend decides to hook up with her as well and comes back and says it was the most amazing blowjob he ever had but that she also sang the national ...

The Princess and the Frog [long]

A beautiful princess had a shiny gold ball that was her prize possession. She would take it with her wherever she would go, gently throwing it in the air while she sang. One day she dropped the ball and it rolled down a hill and into a large pond. The princess ran to the pond and started to cry w...

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A Mongolian man tells his friend a story

When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, 'Shit, this isn't my ho...

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Once upon a time, there was a sand dune with legs.

Duney they called him, truly one of a kind - a war hero of great accomplishment and honour, until that one fateful night.

It was 7PM, and the sun's glow was falling. Duney was exhausted, stumbling with his gun's barrel scraping along the desert's sand.
That was when Duney's world entered ...

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Tom Jones Syndrome

This guy went to his doctor and said,

“Doc, I can’t stop singing certain songs. All morning I’ve been humming ‘The Green, Green Grass Of Home.’ Yesterday it was, ‘Delilah.’ Last week I sang ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ at least 100 times! What’s wrong with me?”

The Doctor says, “Sounds ...

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A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon...

And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly.

The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his t...

All Pedro wanted was weeweechu

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's lo ok at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch...

A man cheats on his wife Lorraine with a girl called Clearly

Suddenly Lorraine dies.

At her funeral the man stood up and sang "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone..."

How did the goth kid break up with his girlfriend?

He sang her You Are My Sunshine.

a soldier finds himself outside after night fall

A soldier finds himself outside his base of operations in a foreign country after night fall. He managed to find himself back at the main gate of entry but was unable to produce any physical evidence that he was in fact born and raised in the USA. The guard at the gate was not allowed to let anyone ...

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An Indian boy comes home his first day of School...

His father, chief of their tribe, asks him how it went.

"Fine, but I kept getting bullied for my name. Say, how do we name kids Father?"

"Well son, different tribes name kids in different ways. In our tribe, the father, mother, and midwife enter a tent, and don't leave till the child i...

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I said to this Blonde Girl, I bet you a blow job I can sing a song with your name in it, she said OK you are on, my name is Susan.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Susan, Happy Birthday to You. You're the 14th Blonde I have sang to this week.

Lorraine and Clearly

A guy had an abusive girlfriend named Lorraine. Lorraine didn't know her boyfriend was cheating on her with a lovely girl named Clearly. In August Lorraine died. At the funeral, People wondered why the guy wasn't sad,and why he was so happy.
When they asked him why he was so happy at the funeral ...

A girl had taken singing lessons from a famous teacher.

He was present at her recital, and after it was over she was anxious to know his reaction.

He didn't come back to congratulate her, and so she asked a friend, "What did he say?"

Her loyal friend answered, "He said that you sang heavenly."

She couldn't quite believe that her tea...

A nurse died and arrived before St. Peter

He explained, "We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell."

"How do I know which to choose?" She asked.

"That's easy," said St. Peter, "You have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."

With th...

A co-worker invited me to her home for my 10th company anniversary.

She asked me to wait and went into her bedroom. When she called me in, the entire department was there and sang "He's a jolly good fellow." Boy, I'd have been totally off my socks if that wasn't the only thing I still had on.

Trip to the aquarium joke

The other week I was in the aquarium having a whale of a time (pardon the pun). I saw sea horses, sharks, turtles, the whole shebang. But I couldn't wait to get to my favourite creature. I don't know why but I've always been fascinated by eels. I did a project on them in primary school and since the...

I had booked a U2 for my wife's birthday party...

Unfortunately they had to cancel. Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute. This new guy was amazing. He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.

After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig. He ...

I was asked to play guitar and sing for a homeless man's funeral...

The service was going to be held out in the middle of nowhere, and when I was on the way my gps got me lost. When I finally found the cemetery, it was too late, the cemetery workers were already digging the hole. I decided to sing my heart out to this homeless guy, after all he probably had no famil...

Doodah

Jimmy, who had a stutter, and Doodah were swimming at the lake together, when Doohdah started drowning. Jimmy went to go get his dad to help, but kept stuttering. He doesn't stutter when he sings, so he sang:
"Guess who drowned in the lake today,
Doodah, Doodah,
Guess who drowned in the la...

I went to a disco last night (variation)

The DJ said, "Sing with me". I sang with him.
The DJ said, "Put your hands together". I put my hands together while singing along.

The DJ said, "Come on everyone". I was thrown out of the Disco.

Growing up in Canada, Taco Bell commercials were surprisingly different.

At the end of each ad, they sang: "Make a run...for the border. And then the next border."

An old joke, I hadn't thought of in years.

A group of scientists wanted to do some experiments on how brains function.



They got a volunteer and taught him the row-row-your-boat song, and had him practice until he knew the whole song perfectly. They asked him to sing it and he did so without a problem.



They put...

A Mexican Man

Who is new to the United States is telling his friends about his recent trip to a baseball game.

He says "after I found my seat I was sang a song to by the whole crowd!"

His friends ask him what he means.

He says "The song they sang to me went something like this: Jose can you...

A man walks into a bar with a mouse on his shoulder.

"What are you doing with that yoke in here?" asks the barman.

The man replies "Well I have a proposition for you. The mouse gets to stay and I get a full bottle of good whiskey if I can show you this mouse playing the piano!".

"Deal" says the barman, not believing this obvious drunk....

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Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a prince, who asked a beautiful princess to marry him: “Will you be my wife?”

And she said: “...no.”

And so he lived happily ever after, he went fishing and hunting, met his friends every single day, drunk helluva lot of beer, got wasted, played golf, threw s...

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