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Removing Jokes

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OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast

For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'

Elon Musk is considering removing blocking from Twitter

Which means your only options for defense will now be dodge and counter.

I'm thinking of removing my spine

It's only holding me back.

Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

Any tips on removing ice from my windshield?

I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.

You can relax a person with a type-A personality by removing their type-P traits...

I'm telling you, remove the P-ness from their A-ness and they calm right down

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

Casey Anthony is removing her podcast from Spotify.

If she wanted to kill Spotify she should’ve done it when it was still in its infancy

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Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from their tampons

and replacing it with tinsel, this is for the Christmas period only.

Despite removing all the stains....

I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

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The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

Not NSFW: When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

If you’re removing unnecessary things from your car, definitely take out the brakes

Those will just slow you down

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?” Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

"Removing my make up"

Or how I like to call it:

"Reset face to factory settings"

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

I thought removing a snail's shell would make it faster...

Turns out, it only makes it more sluggish.

I always seek approval from a qualified architect before removing my condom.

After all, it is load bearing.

Removing the skin of an orange...

That's appealing.

I used to work in the black market removing and selling animal tails

I don't really want to get into the de\-tails

Ever tried removing an entire stairwell through a front door?!

I guess I'll have to take it one step at a time.

Removing a part of my arm in the hope it will stop my hand flopping about uncontrollably...

That's a wrist I'm willing to take

What do you call the process of removing communism from seawater?

Destalination.

Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand...

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Did you hear about the woman who got Alzheimer's after removing her breasts?

She lost her mammaries

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