I just watched a horse race where the rider was celebrating before he crossed the line.

That's what you call premature jockey elation.

A man wins a horse race

A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.

However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it’s no fun beating a dead horse!

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a horse race announcer.

“And they’re off..”

What do you call an Italian who fixes horse races?

A Rigatoni

Horse race

A man has a racehorse who never won a race.

Man in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."

The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.

He kicks the horse and asks, "W...

The Big Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey ...

I lost all my money betting on horse races.

Turns out they can run WAY faster than I can.

What do you see at a South American horse race?

A Guyana horse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

I wanted to grill something good for watching today's horse race

But my butcher didn't have any Belmont steaks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

What's the best way to fix a horse race?

Evolution.

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

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The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning.

Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy; written on it?" his wife demanded.

"Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago ...

CATHOLIC HORSES

A bloke was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one
of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the hors...

Tom and Larry go to the movies

Tom and Larry go see a movie that features a horse race. Tom turns to Larry and says, "I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins." Larry responds, "No way. I'll take that bet any day." Unfortunately for Larry, the white horse won. After the movie, Tom says, "you don't have to pay me. I'd alr...

Only for Star Wars fans.

Local loser Kenneth Auby just lost a bet on horse A in a two horse race. He was hoping not to see his friend Mike, who lent him a large sum of bet money. But he bumps into him on the street.
Mike: "So who won ? A or B."
In a panic, Kenneth tries the jedi mind trick which he saw in Star Wars an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the next door neighbours dog would not stop barking.

So one day this guy has a big win on a horse race and goes for a few drinks to celebrate, after a few too many pints decides he has had enough of this dog barking across the wall from next door every night. So he marches up to his neighbours door and offers to buy the dog for a big wad of notes. The...

Hard candy

At the horse races, the inspector observes that a coach is giving something to one of the horses.
Inspector:
- What is this pill?!
- This is just some hard candy. I eat them, and this horse likes them as well. Want to try?
- Well, why not...
Before the start of the race the coach tell...

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