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Punched Jokes

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of...

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I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

I answered my front door this morning and got punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle!

Obviously, there's a nasty bug going around…

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I almost punched my doctor

When I told him I had abdominal pain he said I was full of shit.

Turns out I am badly constipated.

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What did Richard Spencer say when he got punched during an interview?

I did nazi that coming!

I punched a mailman yesterday.

He said I had a small package.

What happened when the teddy bear got punched?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

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I got punched in the temple yesterday

But it was my fault. I shouldn't have called the Rabbi a cunt

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who fai...

My boyfriend just punched my doctor in the face

‘You’re a disgusting pervert , I’ll be reporting you to your boss for what you just told my girlfriend!’

‘Babe calm down - he said acute angina!’

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

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I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

I punched my boss in the face

Not only did he fired me, i got home and he kicked me out.

Hayden Christensen got mad and punched an autograph seeker

The Sith really hit the fan!

I was at a seance and the spiritualist kept giggling, so I punched him.

My mother always told me to strike a happy medium.

I got punched twice for making a dadjoke.

Once in India, another in Pakistan.

It was Pun Jab.

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

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A Korean man and a Jewish man are in a bar, total strangers to one another.

The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face.

Naturally, the Korean man goes "What was that for?"

The Jewish man responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese," says the Korean man.

"Ah, Korean,...

I punched a hole in my office wall today.

Don't understand why everyone else at the international space station is freaking out.

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

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I was having sex the other day, when all of a sudden my wife punched me right in the face.

Imagine my surprise, I didn’t even hear her come home!

If you punched a random Brit today...

There would be a 52% chance they deserved it.

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

I got punched by my X-Box controller for breaking his charging cord.

He was charged with battery.

My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......





yeah its bad..

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

A man came walking up to me with two peg legs, so I punched him in the face.

I’m lack toes intolerant.

Ever get punched in the face by someone wearing a ring?

It leaves a lasting impression

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

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Bloom should not have punched Beiber ...

After all, you punch a man, you slap a bitch.

What did Chris Brown say when he punched Britney Spears?

Oops, I did it again.

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You know how when you get punched in the eye you get a black eye?

will someone punch me in the dick?

I punched a masochist so hard he got a black eye

He punched back.
Now he has two.

Just punched an old bearded fat guy at the mall..

I passed infront of him and he happily looked at me and called me a "Ho" 3 times.

So rude!

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What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face?

*"I'm Nazi bad person here!"*

A man comes home from church with two black eyes.

His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"

"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling he...

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There were three hellions in a class

They were so bad that teachers kept quitting. The principle got so frustrated she hire a retired female marine Sargent to teach the class and gave her authority to go whatever it took to control the three kids. The first day of the school year she walks into the class room and asks the three to step...

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Three cowboys sitting around a campfire

Two are arguing who is tougher.

"Last week I rode a 2000lb bull it bucked me off so I punched it one time and it turned into steaks" said the first.
"That's nothing, last time I had sex I used a live rattler for a condom" boasted the second.

The third said nothing, and continued qui...

What does an egg say when it gets punched in the stomach?

Oeuf!

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