What is the difference between a rat and a squirrel?
Answer: The puffy tail. Moral: never underestimate the power of marketing.
Tommo was a canary. [long]
Tommo was a canary. Like his father, and his father before him, Tommo worked in the granite mines. Every morning, he would perch upon the shoulder of his favorite miner, and descend down, down into the deep.
Tommo had a lovely wife canary at home named Millet. Millet and Tommo had two sons...
A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00
She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.” The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation ...
A little 5yo girl goes into a petshop
Hello, I want a little bunny
Worker: Sure, you want that small fluffy white one or the small puffy brown one?
Girl: I dont think my python cares...
Leonardo da Vinci's father is at "meet the teacher day".
He meets the maths teacher and asks "Hello mifter, how if my fon doing in your claff?"
The maths teacher ignores that slightly odd way of speaking of Leonardo's father and says, "your son is terrific, he's clearly a genius, you've got to see some of the stuff he's done in geometry."
A man always works 3rd shift in construction
A man always works 3rd shift in construction. He comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then his right to get the mud and dust off. Then he carefully removes the boots, changes and falls asleep tired. Unfortunately t...
Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition
One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."
The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...
Three men die and go to heaven (long)
An angel tells them that before they go through the pearly gates, they must sit outside on a stone slab for three days. "One rule," the angel says, "you must *never* sit on the pink puffy cloud." The three men agree, since they obviously want to go to heaven.
On the first day, one of the me...
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The Ferrari and the Moped
A man saves up his entire life to buy a ferrari. He goes to the dealership and chooses a red one. As he pulls out of the parking lot he comes to a red light. As he is waiting for the light to change he sees a fat kid pull up next to him on a moped. The kid grins at him showing his puffy cheeks and s...
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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.
In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...
Dad and son camel
Son says "dad can i ask you a question?" Dad says "course you can son ask away."
Son: "why do we have these big humps on our backs?"
Dad: "well, when where walking across the desert for many many miles, we need a drink of water and are humps store water for us to drink"
A rabbit and a worm, both blind from birth, run into each other in the forest..
The rabbit hurriedly apologizes stating that he was born blind and never meant to cause any trouble.
The worm quickly responds that he too was born blind and, on top of it all, was abandoned so he did not even know what he was.
Not believing his luck, the rabbit responds that he too d...