We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

A senator, a chancellor, a Sith Lord, and the First Galactic Emperor walk into a restaurant.

The hostess says, “table for one?”

Which Roman emperor loved planes the most?

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroooo.
 

So I hit my coworkers with this one at work today, and they hated it. Never heard it before so not sure if someone else made it up first, but I'm sure you good peoples would know.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the bodies of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

The Emperor of Rome had a thousand Centurions.

One day, he decided to give them a raise. He called them all to his throne room, and declared they be given a 4% increase in their monthly pay.

Now, the Centurions were paid one gold coin per month. That would mean their new pay was a gold coin and 4 silver ones. The total fee spent would be ...

Do you know about the Roman emperor who had epilepsy?

It was Julius Seizure.

What does a famous Roman emperor say when he wants a woman arrested?

Caesar

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

The emperor penguin mates at temperatures as low as -120 degrees F.

He is a frigid midget with a rigid digit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor

of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny...

What's Emperor Palpetine's favourite cheese?

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOUDA

Two generals are going to a meeting with the emperor..

General 1: "What's the penalty for being late to meet the Emperor?"

General 2: "Death. He's a stickler for that stuff, you know that!"

1: "And what's the penalty for starting a rebellion?"

2: "Come on man, it's death. Obviously. Why do you ask?"

1: "Well, we're late..."

Why didn't chinese Emperors steal from the poor?

Because it would have been irregal.

What was Emperor Palpatine's favourite type of cheese?

Gooooouda...

(This joke only makes sense depending on how you pronounce Gouda)

What did Vader say after he kills the Emperor?

Why so... Sidious

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once an ancient Chinese Emperor...

... This emperor had a young and beautiful daughter. One day he realized he was growing quite old, and there is a high chance he would soon die. When he died, there would be no man to take care of his daughter. So he set up a task for anyone in his empire. The person who brought him the most pin...

What do you call a tin emperor?

a Genghis Can

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Emperor Palpatine decides to endorse Mountain Dew and appears on an advertisement

“DEW IT”

Marcus Aurelius was a Roman Emperor, a very smart man and ahead of his time.

A strict disciplinarian he hated when his soldiers drank on the job but had no way of policing it. Until he realised that the offending soldiers would urinate much more than the sober ones. So he started to measure the output of the soldiers. Do you know what he used to measure it?

Roman Urin...

There is a story passed down in China about an emperor from the Ming Dynasty.

It is said that he favored deer above all else. Throughout the region, everyone knew that to kill a deer was the highest offense.

One day, a village awoke to find a dead buck in the yard of one of the villagers. Despite his pleading, the eldest man of the household was publicly killed. A remi...

What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast?

"Hail, Caesar"

There once was an emperor who ruled over a massive territory.

When he came in to power he passed many strange laws. The first law he passed was that in every sentence that you use the word "or" you must also have an "M" in that same sentence.

The people of his domain could do nothing to oppose this outrageous law because it was the
"M per Ors" decre...

What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

What's a Russian emperors favorite fish?

*CZAR-DINES*

Mike Pence is Emperor Palpatine

Both are old men, heads of the Senate, and like to shock people.

It is said that Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

Nothing was ever passed, he always voted neigh.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Emperor's New Samurai

(Please excuse any historical inaccuracies) The Emperor's chief samurai had been recently slain in battle, leaving the Emperor in desperate need of a new chief to lead his men into battle.

The Emperor proclaims that any samurai who seeks audience with him will be granted 10 seconds to prove ...

What do you call a epileptic roman emperor?

Just had a Seizure.
(too those who dont get it read it out loud quickly)

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig. The punishment for such an offense is obviously death by firing squad. In the holding cell, waiting for their fate, Red head says to the other two, "I have an idea! follow my lead!"
Upon being called, Red head walks up, ...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming:

"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"

Why did Vader deceive everyone about his love affair with the Emperor?

Because he was in Sidious.

Emperor Augustus

Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No your Highness," he replied, "but my father was."
(Credited to the Emperor Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)

The Chinese emperor went out on a guys night.

It was the man-date of heaven.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(Long) Donald Trump has a meeting with the Queen of England...

...And he says 'Your majesty, I think America is the greatest country, all the people, I've asked say so, all over the world, and they all agree, we should become, a Kingdom!'

The Queen looks at him and says 'Mr Trump, in order to become a Kingdom you need a King, and you are certainly not a ...

Countries take on attributes of their ruler

For example, there's a king on every kingdom, an emperor rules an empire, and Theresa May is causing mayhem.

A flock of penguins escaped from the zoo.

While searching for them, the Zookeeper spoke to a man who claimed to have run over one of the penguins with his car.

“I didn’t get a good look at it, so I’m not 100% sure that it was a penguin. How big do those guys get?” Asked the man.

“Well most of them are around a foot and a half”...

With Romaine lettuce being gone...

it’s safe to say that Caesar, emperor of salads, has fallen with the great Romaine empire.

Saul the Dreamer (An Old Yiddish Joke from Centuries Back)

Here's one that's long, but probably not a repost.


Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Saul the Dreamer. Saul was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far away country where onions w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald trump and Queen

Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her:

“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.

Queen:’ Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on’
Donald:’ I rule the USA, what does that make me’
Queen:”that’s a country,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two young male chinstrap penguins are having an argument.

They can’t settle it so they go to visit Salty, the oldest and wisest penguin in the flock.

“How big do penguins get?” Asked Slippy

“Once knew a king penguin that grew to over three feet tall.” He replied

“Can penguins get any bigger than that?” Asked Slippy a bit more despera...

What's the opposite of "The Empire strikes back"?

The Emperor has a stroke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a political discussion...

President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a discussion about politics. Trump asks the Queen, "Could the United States become a Kingdom, like yours?"

And the Queen responds, "No, a Kingdom is ruled by a King. I'm sorry but you are no King."

This upsets Trump, but he thinks it over ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Tale of Three Samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai,...

In the distant land of Punsar two thieves were stealing

The thieves happened to be twins, named Manny and Manny. They belonged to the clan of Long Anconvo, a Chinese clan of thieves known for their dexterousness and efficiency. One day, the head of the clan sent the two thieves to Punsar, a land known for its wealth in gold and jewelry.
The thieves...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen and President Trump meet for the first time

After the usual head of state niceties, Donald gets down to the real reason for his visit:

"Liz, I want to be a king. How do I make that happen?"

The queen sighs. "You can't be a king, you don't have a kingdom."

"OK" he says. "Let's go bigger. I want to be an Emperor. Make me on...

Who lead the Chinese empire into the Wi-Fi age

Emperor Ping

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time...

...there lived a great ruler in India, Emperor Akbar. This great emperor had the most beautiful wife in all the realms.

At the palace, there lived a certain Ahmed who was a low-ranking official. He took a liking to the queen, and his greatest desire was to kiss the queen's gorgeous breasts....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, a British, and a Japanese walk through a forest. [long]

They come across a sign that reads, "Indian Sacred Burial Ground." The Japanese man warns the others to turn back, but the others insist on continuing their journey through the burial ground.

Soon enough, the men fall into a trap set by the Indians. As they tumble down into a hole, the chief ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In order to concentrate superior combat strength in one place,
economy of force must be exercised in other places.
Economy of force requires the acceptance of prudent risks in
selected areas to achieve superiority at the point of decision.
One account has it that Napoleon allowed a subor...

In tonight's debate Trump said we can't trust the rebels

I'm not surprised; he has always reminded me of Emperor Palpatine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash.

The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up."

The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect.

The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

What was the worst thing about finally getting my pilot googles at the end of pilot training?

Emperor Hirohito handed them to me...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The best sword joke of all time [Long]

The Emperor of Japan was hosting a banquet and invited the best swordsmen from all over the country.

A geisha approaches a man rumored to be the third best swordsman in Japan, and asks him for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts a fly out of the air....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

A Space Marine walks into a bar.

He says to the grizzled, portly barkeeper, "Bring me two beers." Seeing that he is alone, the barkeep asks him 'Why two?' The Space Marine chuckles and replies, "Simple, my friend. One for me, and one FOR THE EMPEROR!"

Do you know exactly what Darth Vader did at the end of Star Wars...

He Overthrew the Emperor

Russian political joke from time of the Russian Empire

A man in the street shouts: "Nicholas is a moron!" (Nicholas is a common Russian given name, it's also the name of two Russian emperors). He is naturally arrested by the police and charged with insulting the emperor. He tells the officer: "I meant another Nicholas". The officer answers: Do no be sil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish Samurai [Long]

Once upon a time there was a competition in Japan to decide who would be the new head samurai. There were 3 contestants, A Jewish Samurai, and Christian Samurai, and a Muslim Samurai. The emperor of Japan says to the Muslim Samurai to go first, so, The Muslim Samurai spots a bee and slices it clean ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New Samurai

The head samurai of Japan has died, the Emperor is searching for a replacement. He puts out word that all should try out to become the next head of the samurai. 3 men show up, a Samurai from China, a Swordsman from Mongolia and a Jewish samurai. The emperor greats the Chinese samurai and tell him to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

George W. Bush

wakes up one morning, feeling good. He calls in his Vice-President.



"Dick", he says, "I think I need a new title to reflect my position as leader of the free world. I'm going to call myself King."

"You can't do that," says Cheney, "you don't have a kingdom."

"Okay then,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be behe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Jewish Samurai [Long]

The Emperor of Japan loses his most trusted bodyguard, and sends out a proclamation to the whole empire: Bring forth the best samurai to show their skills, so that they may guard my life.

Three samurai enter the throne room: A samurai from Edo, A samurai from osaka, and a jew.

The firs...

Roman Rollers

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game.

The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man, a British man, an American man, and a Mexican man go skydiving together...

A Japanese man, a British man, an American man, and a Mexican man go skydiving together. As they reach the intended height, the intructor says, "One by one, strap on your parachutes and jump out." The Japanese man gets up, straps on his parachute, and jumps out, yelling "Remember the Emperor!" Next,...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.