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Embalm Jokes

Where do you buy embalming fluid?

At the coroner store.

A woman walks into an embalming and burial service office

The depressed-looking woman goes up the embalmer and says, "My husband died a few days ago in a car crash. When he died, he was in a black suit. It would be very nice if you could change his suit into one that is blue after embalming him. Blue was his favorite color, so I hope you understand." The e...

It seems I passed my mummy embalming exam...

It was a no brainer!

My wife hates it when I work from home

I am an embalmer

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Joe the janitor reports for his first night of work at a funeral home.

One of his first tasks is to sweep and mop the embalming room floor while the embalmer is eating dinner. Joe is alone in the room, out of curiousness he looks under the sheet covering a corpse on the embalmers table. The body lays face down. With a giant cork protruding from the rectum. Joe taps on ...

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Mortician.

A mortician was going about his typical day of embalming and what not, when he came across a client that had the biggest male member he had ever seen. Even by porn standards his hog was huge. So the mortician decides he needs to preserve this monstrosity of man meat because this definitely has to be...

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

Trump goes to Israel

and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks “why take the most expensive solution...

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

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Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering the night shift.

One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse,
he noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly,
well, hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork
back, an...

Who has the easiest job in the world right now?

Joan Rivers' embalmer.

Grown-ups fooled us by making us think we would be superheroes on adulthood

Firefighter, Broker, Waterboy, Machinist, Driller, Embalmer, Goldsmith, Hydrologist, Lifeguard, Naturopath

What’s your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon?

Mine’s embalming fluid.

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[Long]Another joke from my country

Part 1

There was a guy in a small village called 'Amda' and he had a weird fetish of trying to stick his dick in anyone who bends over infront of him.

People in his village started to avoid him once they got to know this fetish of his and that made Amda desperate to stick his dick in ...

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