UPJOKE
codeinemorphineanodyneopioidacetaminophenanestheticaspirinanalgesicparacetamolpainoxycodonefentanylmedicationanticonvulsantmethadone

Painkillers Jokes

Why did Helen of Troy never use painkillers?

Because paracetamol.

As I crushed the painkillers...

As I crushed the painkillers and poured them into a glass of vodka, I looked at a picture of my wife. "We'll be together soon, my darling..." I said.

"Did you say something?" my wife asked from the next room.

"I'm on the phone to your sister," I said. "Your drink is ready by the way."

Why does Pete take painkillers?

For Pete’s ache

LPT: If your dentist has no painkillers, ask him for Helium.

It will be hilarious when you scream.

Why don't birds have any painkillers?

Cos the parrots-eat -em-all.

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat them all

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A thief stole a bottle of laxatives, mistaking them for perscription painkillers.

After he found out, he nearly shit himself.

Why can't you leave painkillers near a bird cage?

Because the paracetamol.

How do painkillers know where the pain is in the body?

Painkillers are like woman, they know everything.....

I didn't think Miss Hilton could consume all those painkillers at once, but wow!

Paracetomol!

I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

My nurse wife told me this one a while ago

Why can you never get any painkillers in the jungle?

Cus parrots eat 'em all



This one always puts a smile on my face, even when I'm reaching for painkillers with a headache.

A man went to the dentist to schedule getting a tooth pulled.

"I don't have a lot of money." he confessed. "Is there any way we could make the procedure cheaper?"


"I suppose for a small discount," thought the dentist, "We could reuse some of our disposable tools. It may slightly increase your risk of infection, but, theoretically, you should be fi...

Suicide gone wrong [CORNY]

-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

A man and his wife go to the dentist to get a rotten tooth removed

The man tells the dentist, "Look doc, I don't want any painkillers. No gas, no needles, nothing. Just get in, yank out the tooth, and we'll get out of here.

"I wish more of my patients had your fortitude," says the doctor admiringly. "Which tooth is rotten?"

The man turns to his wif...

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.” Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An man goes to buy some Viagra.

He explains to the doctor that a couple of young girls are staying at his place for the weekend. The doctor sells him the pills, and sends him on his way. On Monday, the man comes back and asks for some painkillers. The doctor says, "What did you do to cause so much pain to your penis?" The man says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender goes: "Oh shit, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.

The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.

The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.

One patron takes ...

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

A man goes to the doctor's office with a black eye...

The doctor asks, "How did this happen?" The man says, "Well doctor, you're not going to believe this, but this happened at church! The pastor asked us all to stand, and when we did I noticed the woman in front of me had a wedgie. So naturally, I reached forward and pulled her dress out for her, but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor is sat in his office one day & asks the nurse/secretary to send in the next patient.....

.........In walks Mr. Jones, closes the door behind him, sits down & the doctor immediately notices that he looks totally physically drained & hasn't had a decent nights sleep for weeks......

"Ok, so how can I help you Mr. Jones?"

"Well, it's like this doc, I have a hyperactive...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.