This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Physics Professor says "Explain the Uncertainty Principle."

The student stand up. He says:

There's four nuns and they want to know about a penis so they ask the vicar and he says "Okay each of you have a feal."

Afterwards the first nun says: The penis is soft like the flowers in a meadow.

The second nun says: You are wrong my sister, ...

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

What did the inflatable principle say to the inflatable school pupil when he brought in a pin into his inflatable school?

You’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down.

The Markaveich principle is that the person an idea is named after is not the first to discover it.

This was first thought of by Markaveich in 1842

What do you call an animal that conforms to and follows the principles of the forest?

A-Deer (Adhere)

Heisenberg is driving to a convention to show off his new Uncertainty Principle

On the way he observes the speedometer, and finds himself lost.

The principle difference's between Murphy's law and Cole's law

Murphy's law postulates that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Cole's law primarily consists of thinly shredded cabbage, carrot and mayonnaise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do school Principles always give great blowjobs?

I don’t know, all I know is they are the headmasters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

Why did the chicken of destiny cross the road?

Robert Frost: "To cross the road less traveled by."

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: "The eternal hen-principle made it do it."

Ralph Waldo Emerson: "It didn't cross the road; it TRANSCENDED it."

.
.
.

... Ernest Hemingway (*whispers*): "To die. In the rain."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 3rd grade teacher...

Prepares her 9 year olds for a writing class.

Teacher: “class we will be learning how to write without lifting your pencil off the paper!”

Little Johnny: “I know how to do that!”

Teacher: “You know how to write without lifting off the page!”

Little Johnny : “Yes ma’am t...

What is the principle argument for a complex pirate?

Arg!

I'm trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles...

I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I've eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I did the night before, and what I will do later with whom.
 

I gave them pictures of my family, my dog, and of my gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing i...

My friend always wants to talk about the scientific principle of buoyancy.

It's not interesting to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

99% of humanity Works on the principle of rocket science.

It does not mean , we always aim for the sky;

it means that we do not start work unless our tail is on fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father got called into his sons school.

He enters the principles office, and takes a seat across the desk. The principle says to the dad, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to inform you about your sons actions today in class. Your son was caught blowing bubbles today in class.”
The father kind of sinks down into his seat. But then he real...

I explained to my friend that he shouldn't be afraid of drowning in the sea because of Archimedes principle.

But he was too dense.

The Pythagorean Theorem, Newton's Third Law and Bernoulli's Principle walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm not going to get this joke aren't I?"

What do you call a dictatorship founded on the principles of Ethos, Logos & Pathos?

An Aristotalitarian Regime.

My kids operate the house under the HYDRA principle

For every light I turn off, three more get turned on to take their place.

My parenrs were very principled people...

When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..


..about brand loyalty.


_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

When I was a kid, I had to quit the marching band based on my religious principles.

I was a real tuba leaver back then.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it correct that Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev won a luxury car at the All-Union Championship in Moscow?

Radio Yerevan answered:In principle, yes. But first of all it was not Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev, but Vassili Vassilievich Vassiliev; second, it was not at the All-Union Championship in Moscow, but at a Collective Farm Sports Festival in Smolensk; third, it was not a car, but a bicycle; and four...

The Headmaster/Principle/Head teacher

Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs and great relationships with all staff/pupils....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

When small talk with the neighbors gets awkward.

I live in the Bible Belt and took a stroll around the neighborhood earlier in the week. At the turnaround an old man with a walker was getting the mail. He asked me my name and we engaged in some small talk.

 

I was about to leave, but his wife came outside so I stayed and sai...

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his family have a pet duck

Most of the time, the duck stays near the little pond that lies in the corner of their property. Every now and then, the duck wanders around, and sometimes crosses the fence into the neighbor's land.

The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, is a bitter, mean old man who always yells at the children for lett...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy is at school, and they start the day by telling riddles

The boy says: it goes in, it goes out! The teacher becomes red and angry. Get out! The teacher said. So the boy goes onto the hallway. There he meets the principle, who asks him what he is doing there. I got send out of class, because I asked: it goes in, it goes out! The principal get angry, and sa...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl asked me to have sex with her

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her an...

A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.

He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other. Upon finishing, he orders another drink. The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it. "Something wrong with this one?" "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion." "Oh," say...

An OB/GYN student is late for his final exam.

He races out of bed, gets dressed, and is out the door in 5 minutes. He quickly gets to the lecture hall, and sits down just in time to receive a test.


Unbeknownst to him however, he had run to the wrong room: the Law lecture hall. The student reads over the first question, assured in hi...

A professor was in class teaching his students about laws, and begun a conversation about Murphy's Law.

Professor: " Have you ever heard about Murphy's law?"

Student: "No, what's that?"

Professor: "Well basically, it's the principle that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong"

Students were impressed, so one student in particular decided to respond.

Student: "Oh yeah? We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teachers didn't have sex with students when I went to school

There were principles for that.

Tax.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The se...

A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

I asked my bookshop if they had a book on Werner Heisenberg.

The shop assistant said "In principle we do, but I'm uncertain".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've translated a popular Russian joke to English, would like to know what you think.

A young boy came crying home to his father "Dad, my math teacher is upset with me! He wants to talk with you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"I have no idea! She asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' so I answered '63' and then she asked, 'and what's 9 * 7?'"
The father cut him off, "Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently, I've managed to get really into crosswords.

Like those really cryptic ones you get in the weekend papers, with clues like 'fish worn on head, (5, 7,)', and stuff like that. I get really intense about them, though, and can't stand starting a new one until I've finished the last one. I refuse to use dictionaries and things on principle, and I'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet

At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what’s the first letter of the alphabet so she said “Shut up.”
His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said “YES YES YES!!!” because his favorite team had just scored.
His brot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Always wank before making a big decision

I've been following this principle until I got fired from my job at Wallstreet investing company. They said I spent way too much time on bathroom breaks.

A collection of Radio Yerevan jokes

Radio Yerevan jokes were basically a pre-internet meme here in the former Eastern Bloc, which follow a simple QnA format and were often political, and here's a few of my favorites:

---

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union in the same w...

The Heisenberg joke

Heisenberg was driving his car. Until he was stopped by the police.
Police office: do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but i know my position.
TIP:
(/s "The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (simply) is that you dont know the position, if you know the momentum. Therefor...

A cop car pulls over Heisenberg as he's driving on the highway...

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
Officer: Well, you were going EXACTLY 100 mph.
Heisenberg: Great! Now I'm lost!

Shout-out to my physics professor for making the Heisenberg uncertainty principle less boring today.

Is there a difference between capitalism and communism?

Yes, in principle. With capitalism, man exploits man. But with communism, it is precisely the opposite.

How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3

How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't ask...

So one fine day, a young boy is listening to the radio. He has very bad reception so the radio is sort of static, nevertheless, he catches something about a purple donut. His curiosity sparked, he meanders over to his mother and said, "Momma, what's a purple donut?" She then gets this wild look in h...

I tried to offer my school administrator a bribe

But he was too principled

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another set of Jewish mom jokes

Seeing how my first post had a ~~huuuuge~~ kinda moderate success, here's another set.

Because it seems americains are not aware of the jewish mom stereotype, here is a rough translation of the French Wiki :

> The typical traits of the jewish mom include :
>
> * An exces...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Exam for athletes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Problems In Bed

A man and his girlfriend were having sex for the first time. The man says to his girlfriend, "So you know exactly what position I'm in?"
She replies, "Yes,"
The man repeats, "You know EXACTLY what position I'm in?"
The girlfriend, slightly annoyed snappped, "Yes, I know EXACTLY what positi...

Economic research

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle attract the most interest.

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park eating lunch.

As they eat they see two people walk into a house.

After a while they see three people leave the house.

The physicist says "Simple, due to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, the universe has spontaneou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate when someone I had sex with in High School sends me a friend request on Facebook.

Request denied, Principle Anderson.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.