Let's try a joke I learned in the Philippines

A Filipino woman and her husband, an American, wake up the morning after their wedding and decide to take a shower together. In the middle of their fun, the water cuts out (as sometimes happens in the Philippines). The wife cries out, "Ay! Walang tubig!" ("Oh no! No water!" in Tagalog).

The h...

Philippine Condoms

President Trump called President Duterte of the Philippines with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"

"Donald, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within ...

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

I'm thinking of visiting the Philippines

Anyone wanna tagalog?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

What do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's the toughest

A group of old men were sitting at the local VFW, downing beers and trading war stories.

They were joined by another old man, who was new to their club, so they took their turns trying to prove who was the toughest.

First the Navy guy stood up: "I was on the USS Indianapolis, when it g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Filipino taxi driver fetched a Japanese tourist visiting the Philippines at the airport.

As the taxi they rode in motored along the highway, a Suzuki cargo truck sped way past them.

JAPANESE TOURIST: (Proudly beaming) Ah! A Suzuki truck made in my country Japan...**very fast!**
FILIPINO TAXI DRIVER: (Thinking to himself, feeling slightly annoyed) Damn, so it is true the Japa...

What do you call a girl born in the capital of the Philippines about 20 years ago?

A Femanilalinneal.

The president of the Philippines says 3 of 5 Americans are idiots

What a dumbass, there are way more than 5 Americans

The aliens sent down a robot to earth.

The aliens claimed that this robot can catch thieves very fast!

They united nations sent the robot to Canada and in just a few seconds, the robot caught all the thieves in Canada.

Amazed, the united nations sent the robot to America.

The it the robot a bit longer but after 15 mi...

Meanwhile in Philippines

Meanwhile in Philippines, a local barber in my area got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his costumer for years, I didn't know he was a barber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to The Philippines for a two week vacation

While there he makes it a point to sleep with a different prostitute every night. A few days after he gets home he notices his dick beginning to turn black and blue and shrivel up, so he immediately goes to the doctor.
The doctor runs a few tests and says "I hate to tell you this, but I'm afraid...

During wartime, the Philippine flag is flipped upside down so the red part is on top

The same thing is done with the French flag, but instead they remove the red and blue colors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Granny suprise

A prostitute in Philippines stands in line with 50 others during a police raid, checking their IDs

As suprise her grand mother shows up, asking what she is doing in that long line.

"There is a man on the end, giving oranges for free, to make juice", she lies ashamed.

"Well, in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to this massage parlor

This beautiful Philippine lady was giving me a rub. She had great hands and a soft voice. I kept thinking to myself "don't get a boner, dont get a boner"

And then she did.

I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights...

The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

Marriage Question

So if a person from Holland and a person from the Philippines got married, would their babies be called Hollapiños?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three explorers

Here's one I heard years ago and haven't seen on here (you folks that live on reddit might have seen it though).


Three explorers (an Englishman, a Japanese, and an American) were captured by cannibals deep in the jungles of the Philippines.


"You are all trespassing on our lan...

Who has the most children

There was a contest held to determine which race can produce the most amount of children in their lifetime. The 3 finalists were India, China and The Philippines.

The judges called the first contestant to the stage. Mr. India proudly announced " I have a very big family! I have 100 kids!!!". ...

A joke from my Filipino uncle...

It is common in the Philippines for families to live in one-bedroom homes.

One night a couple wanted to make love, and so they had their child look the window. As the couple made love, the child continued to look out the window without turning around.

When the couple was done, the fath...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is globalization?

Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?

Answer :

An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottis...

The 3rd contender for the Space Race

The Soviets sent the first Soviet to Space and returned him safely to the Earth. In response, the Americans sent the American to the moon, landed him there and returned him safely. Another country contended, the Philippines in secret to the public was in preparation of a space program, to send the f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.

They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.

"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it...

My high school assignment

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the coo...

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