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Second Opinion Jokes

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A Second Opinion

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in...

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Second opinion

A man was walking into the therapist‘s office and sat down. „What’s your problem?“, asked the therapist. The man answered: „Well I have massive struggles to find a girlfriend and I don’t know why“. He looked the man deep in the eyes and said with a very meaningful face: „Well it’s because you’re ugl...

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

Second Opinion

Doctor: You're obese.

Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.

Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

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Doctor's Second Opinion

An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediatel...

A Second Opinion

A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I told him I want a second opinion.

He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

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Always get a second opinion

One day a man went to see his doctor complaining about severe migraine headaches.

After a long examination the doctor told the man that somehow his balls were pressing very tightly against the base of his spine and this was causing the man to have migraine headaches. The doctor concluded the ...

A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague

"I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?"

"Wait, does he eat the handles too?"

"No, that's the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched."

"Well then he's definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!"

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

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I think I need a second opinion.

My doctor said I have kidney disease.

I told him I'm a grown ass man and my knees feel fine.

Isn't asking a doctor for a second opinion normal?

I can't understand why my doctor got upset after my prostate exam when I asked him to try again with a second finger.

Doctor: "You're terminal. You haven't more than six months left to live."

"I want a second opinion."
"You're also ugly."

Could not decide how much lettuce to buy, until I got a second opinion

two heads are better than one.

What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?

Two fingers.

You are obese!

A woman visits the doctor

Doctor: Madame, you are obese.

Woman: What?? I demand a second opinion!

Doctor: Your hair looks stupid.

A man comes to a tailor to make a suit.

He brings his own fabric. The tailor takes the measurements, checks the fabric and says "sorry, that fabric is not enough for a suit".

The man leaves, decides to get a second opinion. He goes to another tailor. That tailor takes the measurements, and tells the man to come in two weeks.
...

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

Doctor’s visit.

Fellow goes to the doctor.

« Doc, I can barely breathe after walking only a few steps. And I even have trouble getting up after sitting down. »

Doctor replies, matter-of-factly, « I’m not surprised. You are grossly obese. You need to go on a diet. »

Fellow is outraged : « How...

I visited a fortune teller at a fair. They were quite grumpy and told me I was going to die within minutes.

I walked out of the tent and tried to find another for a second opinion. They were a little angry, and said i would live forever. I didn't like the sound of either of those outcomes so kept looking around, but just couldn't find a happy medium.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.'

The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

The doctor says to the patient

"You are fat."

"I'm gonna need a second opinion", replies the patient.

"You are also ugly."

I’m sorry ma’am your husband has diabetes

And if he doesn’t change he’s diet soon, he’s at risk for a heart attack or a possible stroke.

Lady: “We’d like to get a second opinion”

Doctor: “Okay. He’s ugly, too.”

Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.

The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."

The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."

The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of t...

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure cre...

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed;

she went out to get a second opinion.

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night:

“You are not that great in the bed anymore“

The wife kept mum. Went to the bedroom and came out dressed to go out.

Husband: “Where are you going out at this hour ?“

Wife : “To get a second opinion“

What do you call a doctor that finishes bottom of their class?

Doctor.

For major decisions always get a second opinion!

Mongolian VD

A man goes to the doctor and says "I just got back from South-East Asia and I seem to have picked up something". So the doctor says "let's take a look" and the patient drops trou and his pride and joy has turned a sickly green with vibrant purple spots on.

"Oh my," says the doctor, "up to now...

An Elvis Presley fan decides to get his likeness tattooed on each of her thighs.

However, she was not entirely pleased with the end result. One night, during a particularly successful tinder date, she decided to get a second opinion. Flipping on the lights and lifting her frock she asked her date "Does this look like Elvis to you?" After a moment of careful study, her date repli...

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

The doctor said my illness was terminal

I decided to get a second opinion. The next doctor also said my illness was terminal. Feeling disheartened, i decided to get a third opinion from a homeopathic doctor.

This doctor recommended I take daily mudbaths. Finally relieved, I asked "Thats great! That will cure me??" to which the doct...

A man is in a hospital bed in complete agony...

The doctor comes in and asks him "where does it hurt"

The Man says "everywhere, absolutely everywhere, I'm at my wits end, whenever I touch any part it hurts a lot!"

The doctor asks the man to point out the places the pain radiates from.

So the man pokes his knee, screaming as h...

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Went to the doctor the other day for a sexual problem.

It’s not what you’re probably thinking though.

My eyes and sometimes my entire face would burn during sex. Sometimes my eyes began watering uncontrollably, making me unable to see.

The doctor said it was probably the pepper spray but I’m seeking a second opinion.

I went to the doctors for my physical last week...

While the doctor was checking my prostate, I told him to put another finger in there...I wanted a second opinion.

A man goes to a psychiatrist...

...The psychiatrist says, "You're nuts!"

The man says, "I want a second opinion!"

Psychiatrist says, "OK, you're ugly, too!"

[ Apologies to Henny Youngman ]

A man and his wife are walking through the streets of Moscow in the 40s

Something starts to fall from the sky one christmas evening...

The woman stops and says, "it's snowing!"

Her husband replies, "no, it's raining, I think...."

The two of them argue for a moment before the man stops her, "let's get a second opinion...."

They approach a near...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Hit me with the bad news first, doc.

Doctor: It appears you suffer from Schizophrenia.

Man: That can't be right, I want a second opinion!

Doctor: Well, there's your good news.

A Corpulent Woman visits the Doctor

Woman: Hey Doc, everytime I walk up the stairs my back hurts and my heart beats like crazy.

Doc: I imagined something like that right when you walked in here. You're morbidly obese.

Woman: That's outrageous. I want a second opinion!

Doc: Alrigt, you're also pretty ugly.

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"You're terrible in bed" my Doctor girlfriend said to me the other day.

I was depressed.

Today she caught me cheating on her. She was pissed.

"What the hell's going on?" she asked.

"Getting a second opinion." I replied.

A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness...

He goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.

Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, do...

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NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

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A guy goes to China on a business trip.

While he’s there he bangs a bunch of Chinese hookers. By the time he arrives home in the U.S., his dick is covered in sores, swollen and hurts like hell. Guys goes to the doctor and the doc says “looks like you’ve got a pretty bad case of Hong Kong dong. We can get ya better but it’s gonna cost $3,0...

An insecure farmer didn't know how many cows he owned...

...so he counted them all, and came to the total of 196 cows. He asked a neighbouring farmer for a second opinion. She came up with a total of 200 cows.

Perplexed by this, the man counted again, and once again came up with 196 cows. He once again asked his neighbour to count them. Again, she ...

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Chinese prostitute

A guy went to China and while there he met a very exotic woman who he ended up having sex with him. While it was the best sex he ever had, his penis started itching and then started to swell. When he got back to the States, he went to his urologist. By then it was turning purple black and was very ...

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A 70 year old virgin Nun goes to a gynecologist

Because she is experiencing some discomfort. When she explains what’s going on, the gynecologist runs some tests. Later he came back into the room and told the nun that her tests are positive for crabs. “That’s impossible, my body hasn’t been touched by anyone.” She says to him. So she leaves to go ...

My grandmother went to a gynecologist to check on hey cervical cancer.

The doctor says to my grandmother: "Now, Mrs. Smith, I'm going to insert my finger..."

My grandmother replies: "Can you put in two? I want a second opinion."

Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.

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A man goes to his doctor

and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes," replied the man. "And did you have sex while over there?...

My wife and I were having an argument the other day.

She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A few hours later at work, I felt terrible about what i had said, so I called her to apologize and I asked her, "What are you doing?"

And she said, "I'm in bed."

So i ...

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Traditional Herbal Medicine

A guy, having been with a lot of questionable women, starts developing a bad rash and severe groin pain. After several weeks, he finally goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm real sorry, but the infection has gone way too far, we're going to have to amputate your penis." The guy doe...

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A man visits this Asian doctor

And pleads "Doctor, you have to help me, I am too ugly"

The Asian Doctor replies "Hmm, okay, do me a favour, take all your clothes off"

The Man does as indicated

The Asian Doctor Replies "okay, now turn around"

Again, the Man does indicated now feeling like he should get ...

Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist?

He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.

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There was this 80 year old virgin...

There was this 80 year old virgin that started getting itchy... down there....

So, she goes to the gynecologist. The dr does the examination and reports "ma'am, i'm sorry to tell you, but it appears you've contracted an STD. We'll need to do further testing to confirm." The lady is outraged! ...

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot and places the parrot, stiff as a board, onto the vets desk.

"Doctor I think my parrot is sick. Please make him well again!"

The vet takes a look at the parrot and puts his stethoscope on the parrots chest and listens solemnly for a few mo...

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Honk Kong Dong

Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to hav...

A man walks into the doctor

A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.

"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."

The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."

The doctor retort...

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A soldier comes back from Vietnam...

And finds out he caught some kind of bad crotch-rot from one of the hookers. His dick is changing colors; red, purple, green, so he goes to the VA to get it looked at.

The first doctor sees it and immediately says "I've never seen anything like that, I think we're going to have to amputate".<...

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A guy is suffering from terrible headaches....

... So he goes to a doctor

Doctor tells him "sir, I'm sorry but we'll have to cut off your balls, it's the only way"

"No way doc, I want a second opinion"

So he goes to another doctor and another and another and they all tell him the same thing

Meanwhile his headaches are...

The Doctor stuck a finger in my bum...

For a prostate exam. He said "All's fine." I said "Stick another finger in there, please." He asked "why?" I said "I want a second opinion."

Always get the bartender's opinion

Ever since I was a child I've always had a fear of something under my bed. So I went to a shrink and told him:

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed!! I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the ...

So an Evangelical Republican Senator goes in for a prostate exam...

The doctor gives him a clean bill of health, and sends him on his way. He returns a week later to get a second opinion. Another doctor confirms the first's findings. He comes back for a *third* rectal examination, swearing something is amiss, only to once again be given a clean bill of health. On th...

This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet...

The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I’d like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up ...

Sorry, folks - I know you've heard this one but the Devil's making me tell it 'cause I love it so much ...

Woman goes to a shrink because she's having trouble finding anyone to date her.

After months of therapy, the shrink finally decides her money isn't worth it and he's got to give it to her straight. So he tells her that the reason she can't find anyone to date is because she's not only comple...

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An oldie, but a........ Well, at least it's old

An American soldier on leave in Bangkok has spent all of his time frequenting the local brothels and enjoying many of their girls. After a couple of days he notices a rash beginning to form on his penis. In another day or so, his member is inflamed, swollen and red. Soon it's burning horribly and dr...

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An American man catches an STD while traveling through Asia

After having quite the sexual romp he starts to notice discomfort and discoloration around his groin. Afraid for the loss of his manhood he seeks out an American doctor out there for help.

The doctor looks him over and says "I'm sorry, it's going to need to be removed, it's too far gone"
<...

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A guy goes to The Philippines for a two week vacation

While there he makes it a point to sleep with a different prostitute every night. A few days after he gets home he notices his dick beginning to turn black and blue and shrivel up, so he immediately goes to the doctor.
The doctor runs a few tests and says "I hate to tell you this, but I'm afraid...

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The Doctor is Always Right

A man wakes up feeling sick, so he goes to an urgent care center.  The doctor asks what his symptoms are, and he tells her, "I'm not sure - I'm just not right."

The doctor immediately replies, "I need a urine specimen."

The man is taken aback.  "Why do you need a urine sample?  You hav...

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Chuck is on the last day of his tour in Vietnam...

...and he decides to celebrate. He goes into the city, gets very drunk, and sleeps with a Vietnamese hooker. A few days later, back in the states, he wakes up to find that his dick is covered in purple spots. So he goes to the doctor.

"I'm sorry, son," the doctor says, "but you've contracted ...

A woman walks into a vet with her duck

It's being dragged behind her, evidently dead. She opens the door to an examining room and says "I think my duck might be dead, doctor!" The doctor says "well ma'am, let me take a look". So the doctor takes the duck and gently places it on the examining table. After a few quick checks, he says "I'm ...

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