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Older Jokes

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An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

Two older couples decide to go out for dinner.

The two husbands sit in the front seat, and the two wives in the rear. The driver asks "Where should we go"? The other gentleman says "We had some great fish the other day". "Where was that?" comes the reply. The passenger gets a confused look on his face. He thinks for a bit and says "Give me the n...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

An embarrassed older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem.

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"

The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come s...

Two older couples were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

Old man 2: What's its name?

Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

Old man 2: Carnation?

Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

Old man 2: Rose?

Old man 1: That's it. (turns...

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A young man walks into a bar looking annoyed and sullen. "What's the matter, son?" asks an older patron.

The young man sighs.

"I have a girlfriend who's very nice and very pretty."

"So? What's the problem?"

"Actually, she's not just pretty. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my life."

"That sounds great."

"Not only that, she also adores me and wants to b...

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

An older joke but a good one- A frog goes into the bank…

and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,
so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unc...

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

An older man goes to the doctor for his physical.

The doctor hands him a plastic cup, and asks him to bring it back the following day with a sperm sample.

The next day the man returns to the doctor with the cup, which is still empty. The doctor asks what the problem is.

The man says, “well, first I tried for 20 minutes, but could...

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

3 jokes told to me by an older gentleman at the grocery store

Have you heard the one about the jump rope? That’s OK we’ll skip it.

Have you heard the one about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.

Do you know why blind people don’t skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog.

Backstory: I have pretty severe PTSD and things like running t...

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. A...

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I started a dating site for older people.

OK Boomer

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them ...

I just found out my older wife was cheating on me

Turns out she's not a cougar, she's a cheetah

A young, extremely perky woman gets into an elevator with an older man...

The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!

The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."

The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."

He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.

Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank ...

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."

The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on ...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

As you get older three things happen.....

The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.....

An older man confides to a friend:

"I'm already sixty, wealthy enough, and I've fallen in love. The woman I'm into is a beautiful young lady. What do you think, would my chances increase if I say I'm fifty?"

"Your chances would increase if you say you're eighty!"

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

hot older men in your area

Want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat?

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," pr...

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An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.

The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.

Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man cries ou...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery...

...and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your moth...

A Policeman pulled over an older lady,

He walked up to her window and asked "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

The woman said, "I just don't know, Officer, was it to invite me to your Police Ball?"

The Officer said, "Ma'am, the Police don't have balls...." He paused for a minute, closed his ticket book and said "Ha...

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I hav...

My father made this joke and now that I’m older I appreciate it more:

Driving by cemeteries he’d ask “how many dead people do you think are in there?”

I’d guess: “maybe a hundred” or whatever

He’d say: “*All* of them”

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

Few people knew about Albert Einstein’s older brother Frank

He was a total monster.

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"


"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."


"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
<...

Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

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My older brother told me “gay meant happy”

I still don’t understand the weird expressions people gave me when I told them, “my brother makes me gay.”

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Amish elevator(it's an older joke)

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'


The father (neve...

The older woman.....

A guy walks into a bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. "My wife just gave birth to my son this morning!" he tells the bartender. "That's great!" the bartender agrees. "I know just how excited you are! My wife just gave birth to my daughter yesterday. Who knows? Maybe someday they'll grow up...

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I would never ever refer to an older woman's sagging boobs as melons...

That would be low hanging fruit.

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Older joke told by my father in-law

One day Cinderella is down and her fairy godmother appears. Noticing she is not happy, she turns to her and says she would cast a spell so she could have a night out on the town, but she must be back by midnight or her pussy would turn into a pumpkin. So time goes by and midnight comes and goes and ...

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I’m not losing my hair as I get older

It’s just growing out of my back and ass instead.

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Two older couple…

Two older couple in their 80's rented a room at a fancy hotel on the 59th floor. They got into an argument and the woman threaten to jump out the window. The old guy call down to the front office and asked to speak with the manager. He said " look hmm me and my wife just got into a big fight and now...

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Older gentleman walks into the brothel...

... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not p...

Two older couples are hanging out together.

While the ladies are talking in the kitchen, Jim said, "Bill, we ate at a really good restaurant the other night. The food was good, the prices were reasonable, and the service was excellent."

Bill replied, "Oh yeah? What's the name of the place, I've been looking for a new restaurant."...

Can older adults be circumcised?

Or is there a cut off date ?

My dad’s joke: You see an older couple holding hands.

The older couple are laughing and apparently very much in love.

Mom: Wow look at that, old but still passionate.

Dad: I know them. They’ve been married for 40 years.

Mom: Oh wow really?

Dad: Yeah, just not to each other!

An older man is at a routine doctors appointment

Everything checks out, and he appears to be in good health.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor asks him if “he had any questions?”

The old man replies “no, I’m okay, but I am concerned about my wife; I don’t think her hearing is what it used to be.”

“That happens with ag...

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

When I'm older, I want to be a 1€-Coin

Why? Because wise people always tell me: Be the change you want to see in the world

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

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A joke for the older generations

So there once was this women by the name of Marge, who could never seem to snag a man to stay by her side for more than a year! She had many husband and would bear many kids with each husband. By the end of her fertility period she had given birth to a 100 kids! In order to remember all their names ...

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

What does a square grow when it gets older?

Cubic hair.

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Getting older is rough. This month I only had enough money to get either my Viagra or my Alzheimers medication.

I can't recall which one I chose...

An older couple is lying in bed.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in be...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

An older man never had a smart phone, until recently....

He was chatting casually with my brother-in-law (they are neighbors) to say he was done with smart phones.

The older man was **irate** as AT&T was charging him extra fees because he was old!

My brother-in-law was astounded. He asked the older man what on earth he means by that. I...

Two older men are golfing on a beautiful spring day.

As they approach the 8th hole, a funeral procession passes by on the road. One man takes off his hat and looks down solemnly until it passes, then resumes walking.

"Wow," says the other man. "I have never seen such thoughtfulness by someone busy with a game of golf!"

The first man repl...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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A man walks up to an older woman

and asks her
"Excuse me miss, if I were to give you a million dollars would you have sex with me?"
The woman takes a moment to think about it and stares at the man, before smiling and finally deciding to say
"I'll do it!"
The man says
"Great! Now, would you do it for a dollar?"
And...

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

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This older couple were spending their later years hoping for grandchildren to no avail.

Giving up on their kids, they decided they were going to have their own grandchildren.

Their first step took them to their doctor to see if it was a possibility.

The doctor told them they had to determine the feasibility through a couple of tests.

He gave the grandfather to b...

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A older husband and wife are laying in bed...

...when the husband lets go a fart, and the wife says what was that?

the husband says that was a touchdown, 7-0.

about 5 minutes later the wife also lets a fart go and says its 7-7.

then a short while passes and the husband lets another ripper go and says its 14-7.

then t...

One sunny day in January 2021, an older man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a parch bench

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old ...

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Four older ladies were playing bridge at Rose’s house one afternoon.

Rose’s husband walks in the door.

“Hello dear.”

“Hello dear,” she responds.

He slowly makes his way over to the table table and Rose unzips his fly and pulls out his pecker, giving it a gentle kiss before putting it back again.

He zips up his pants and walks away while th...

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies ...

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

The old priest say...

An older couple is getting married...

Reddit's new API pricing has forced third-party apps to close. Their official app is horrible and only serves to track your data. The CEO has blatantly lied and only wishes to exploit the unpaid members of the Reddit community.

Follow me on Mastodon or Lemmy.

One of my older friends called me the other day

He was born in the 50's and his grandson's birthday was coming up.

He was planning on getting him one of those toys that are supposed to always come back. He couldn't remember what it was called, so I reminded him.

Long story short, the boomer rang.

Why were older computers heavier?

Because they used a FAT file system!

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor.

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor. An older woman approaches her and asks
"I thought that Barbie came with Ken, not Thor?"

The little girl replies

"Nope. She comes with Thor. She just fakes it with Ken"

What's the difference between Yo Momma and a water buffalo?

About 25 pounds.


How do you change that?


Force-feed the buffalo or shave yo momma.


(I almost feel bad for trotting out a joke older than most Redditors but I can't.)

Do you knwo what will be James Bond's fetish when he gets older?

Bond-age.

Getting older

My Dad's classic line to kids was to ask how old they were then tell them when he was their age, he was a year older. It would blow their minds!

Dad: "How old are you?"
Kid: "6!"
Dad: "Oh, when I was your age I was 7."
Kid: (Confused)

Today's my birthday. They say, as you get older, the mind's the second thing to go...

I can't remember what they said the first thing was.

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Your sex life really doesn't change as you get older.

When you're in your 20s, it's tri-weekly.

When you're in your 40s, it's try weekly.

When you're in your 60s, it's try weakly.

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

Urgent message to all older men...

There has been a terrible spate of robberies by a gang of young women. Their MO is to pull you over on the road and hitch a ride. They always wear skimpy bikinis, then start to rub themselves on you while you're driving in order to distract you. One of them then sneakily steals your wallet. I have a...

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I'm getting older now

I'm getting older now. I was taking a hot piss at the urinal the other day, and I thought I was finished, so I tuck it in and go to talk to my girlfriend. Nope, just pissed all over myself! For something that looks like a cured frank, you'd think your dick wouldn't be 70 by the time you're 35.

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady:Whats that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
...

What did the Older Telephone said to the Younger Telephone?

You're too young to be engaged

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Older man and Viagra

An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. He asks for the largest dose the doctor can prescribe. The doctor asks, "why so much?" The man says, "two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place." The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the man co...

A kid asked his older brother what he could do to grow taller.

The brother told him to put lard on his head every day. So the kid said "Mom has some Crisco. Will that work?" And the brother said "No, stupid! That's shortening!"

I'm starting to suspect I was cloned from my older brother

All my genes are hand-me-downs

*Adapted from a song by His Royal Weirdness

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A smoker is having a smoke outside a bar when he is approached by an older non-smoker...

"that's a horrible habit" says the non smoker.

"My grandmother lived to 94" he replies.

"And did she smoke?"

"No, she minded her own fucking business."

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Why Older Men don't get hired.

HR. Manager: What would you consider your greatest weakness?

Old Man: "My honesty."

HR. Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."

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An Older Couple Are Having Dinner At A Nice Restaurant

Coincidentally, it is their 30th anniversary, and is also the same restaurant where the man proposed to his wife. The man leans toward the his wife and quietly says to her, "Remember how we had sex in the alley behind this place when we got engaged?" "Yes." the woman replies. "Lets do it again." ...

Did you know they sell older rap songs at a discount if you buy two at once?

They call it the Tupac-bundle.

Why is it harder for older dwarves to make rugs?

Carpet tunnel syndrome

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I was fucking this older woman

She said, “You know, you remind me of my son.”

I said, “Let's not make this weird, gran.”

Pick up lines change as you get older.

In your 20's - I have an original 1965 Ford Mustang.

In your 40's - I have an original Picasso.

In your 60's - I have my original hips

What do they call it when engineers get older and start losing their memory?

Dimensiona.

I'll show myself out....

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Hey, it happens as you get older

NSFW

30 years ago I saw a sideshow that touted, "Harold, the Magnificent Jew"

Intrigued I paid the entrance fee and had a seat in a packed tent with about 50 others.

In the back of the tent was a table on a small stage. The sideshow barker came out with a large fellow in just a ...

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An older man with a younger wife, visits his therapist.

"Doc," he says, "It seems that no matter what I do, I can't seem to give my wife real satisfaction when we make love."


"Well," the therapist says, "She is entitled to satisfaction just as you are. So try this: Hire a strapping young man and the next time you and your wife make love, hav...

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An upset older man calls his Doctor. NSFW

"Doctor Smith," it's Harold Renquist." "How can I help you today, Harold?" "It's my wife, doctor, my wife of 42 years, Ethel. I think she's dead." "What do you mean you "think" she's dead?" asked the doctor. "Well," said Harold, "the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink”

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The older man and his problems

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a ...

My older son looks exactly like me

\- That's an example of genetic factor.

My younger son looks like my neighbor.

\- That's an example of social influence.

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One of my favorite older dark jokes of all time

*this joke is probably one of the oldest and most famous dark jokes ever but it's by far one of the best ones I've ever heard

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" a...

Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older...

It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.

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Little Johnny came home after playing with his older friends.

His friends kept using adult words and making jokes. Johnny laughed, but he never understood what the words meant. He walks over to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a hooker?"

The dad, taken slightly aback by the bashful Johnny, decided he did not want Johnny to know that kind of language yet. ...

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A little boy is hanging out with his older brother and friends...

And he hears them use the words penis and vagina. So he goes to his mother later and asks, "Mom, what does penis and vagina mean?"

The mother replies, "Oh! Well son, penis is kind of like a hat, and vagina is like a coat."

Later that night, he hears his parents in an argument, calling ...

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Two young boys walk into a pharmacy store to buy tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'


'Eight', the boy replied.


The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used ...

Best Twitter handle for an older lady:

@InstaGrammy

A young lady and an older one were riding through town in the same carriage.

The older lady asked the younger if she wouldn't mind taking a detour down the cobblestone road which runs past the old church. The younger lady had no objection, and the older directed the driver, who turned at the appointed street. Unlike the brick of the main streets, however, the cobblestone roa...

“Isn’t all contemporary fiction just a retelling of older stories, arranged in such a way as to appeal to the broadest population, given their familiarity with technological advancements that would seem magical to authors of earlier ages….

…” I asked the chicken as we both stood on the sidewalk. It suddenly and without comment walked across the road.

“Hey,” I called after the chicken, “why’d you do that?!”

What do you call an older Lamborghini?

Sheeporghini

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

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When I'm older.

A young boy is sat on the stairs with his cat and a tube of smarties. As his mum watched, he put a smartie in his mouth, licked his cat then moved down a step.
He then put another smartie in his mouth, licked the cat again and moved down a step.Puzzled, his mum asked, "What are you doing?"
"I...

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