UPJOKE
russian language

Older Sister Jokes

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

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My older sister was constantly pressuring me to have sex

She was incestent

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A girl in Japan had an older sister who owned a car company. What was that company?

Nee-san

A boy asks his Redditor father about his older sister.

Boy: "Daddy, why is my sister's name Lily?"

Dad: "Because your mother loves lilies".

Boy: "Thanks, dad".

Dad: "No problem, Reposti".

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

Naming is hard

"Daddy, why did you name my older sister Cherry?"
"Because when your mom was pregnant with her, she wanted nothing but cherries. And so when we thought of a name we decided it was a good one."

"And why did you name my younger sister Apple"

"For the same reason: she wanted nothing ...

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How did you choose our names father?

A young indian boy asked his father "How did you choose our names father"?

His father replied:

""When your older sister was born I opened the flap to the teepee and looked out, naming her for the first thing I saw. So she is called Running Doe."

"When your older brother was bor...

Two sisters inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.

The older sister says, "I’m going t...

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”The dad answered, “Your mom.”

Little Johnny then pas...

Gorilla

A young girl hit puberty and her body started to change. One day she noticed she was getting hair down there. She went to her mom confused and the mom explained “that’s your gorilla and it’s getting hair. “ Very excited the young girl went to her older sister and exclaimed “my gorilla is getting ha...

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Want to know the worst part about calling a prostitute?

Waiting for her to arrive only to find your mother, aunt, and older sister there.

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A little girl went to her mom...

*I don't know if I'm doing a good job translating this from my native language, I hope you like it either way*
A little girl goes to her mother and says: "Mom, guess what? Some hair grew on my pussy!"
The mother replied: "That's not a very polite thing to say, honey! If you tell your older sis...

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Explain the difference between theory and relativity

Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks...

It's just a monkey.

When an adolescent girl starts growing pubes, she asks her mother about what's going on with her. The mother replies "it's just a monkey who is starting to grow hair". Later at the dinner table, she tells her older sister that her monkey had started growing hair. The sister replies "Mine even starte...

Two nuns, Sisters Mary and Teresa, are riding their bikes back to the convent from the shops in the old city.

Sister Mary says “Up ahead the road is blocked, but if you follow me, I know another route.”

Sister Teresa dutifully follows the older Sister as they wind their way through the city streets and down an old lane.

“Sister Mary,” asks Sister Teresa, “do you know this route well?”

...

Kids Marry The Darnedest Things

My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”

“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.

“Then I’ll marry you.”

“You can’t marry me either.”

He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”

“...

A boy's wishes started coming true

There was a boy who was scolded by his teacher everyday and one day he said to himself, "I wish the stupid man gets run over" and sure enough the next day, news come of the death of his former teacher. The next day he was teased by his older sister so he said again, "I wish she breaks her arm" and s...

50th Birthday Card

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ti me: "You know, one would have been enough"

My older sister told me this joke and i chuckled against my free will. I hope you do too.

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A young man turns 21 and decides to change his name.

He goes to the village wise man and explains what he wants.

"You do realize that, in our village, it is a tradition for the father to name a child after the first thing he sees after the child is born, don't you?" The young man nods.

"That is why your older sister is named 'Flying Dove...

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A girl realized that the area between her legs have grown some hair.

Worried, she quickly told her mother. Her mother calmly says "That thing where the hair grows is called monkey. And the growing hair is normal."

During dinner, the girl excitedly announced, "My monkey has started growing hair!". Her older sister boastfully said, "Heh, That's nothing. Mine sta...

eat dirt...

When I was a girl I had a disease that required me to eat dirt four times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older sister told me about it.

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Having guests for dinner (somewhat vulgar)

A man and his wife had three children, one young boy and a teenage boy and girl. The family was having guests over for dinner one night. Before the guests arrive, the younger boy checks to see what everyone is doing. His mom was cutting carrots in the kitchen, and right as the boy walks in, cuts her...

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

A 9 year old kid walks down the hallway of his house

and hears something coming from his older sisters room. He peeks through the keyhole and sees his sister naked caressing herself and saying, "Oh, I want a boy, Oh I need a boy."

The boy didn't understand so he kept walking to his room. The next day he looked through the keyhole again and saw...

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A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

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My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful

My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”

His reply: “I can only dream.”

Half as mad

A teacher from primary school asks Peter a question,

Teacher: "Peter; suppose that a car is moving at a speed of 100 mph suddenly brakes and the driver flies out through the windshield at a certain force and lands on the road. What would be my age?"

Peter thought for a moment and repli...

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Once, a kindergarten boy had to count to five

The class teacher assigned this boy to count to five the next day. When he went home, he asked his mother, who was talking on the phone:

"What is one?"

His mother replied, "be quiet!"

Then he went over to his brother, who was watching cartoons and not paying attention.

He...

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Two cowboys decide to go to the town to get laid.

They go to the bar and pick up two sisters. Once they are in the hotel room the girls hand them a couple of condoms. The guys had never seen one, living on the mountain all the time, and they ask what those are supposed to do. The older sister explains to them that they should use these so they don'...

How to Kill an Eel

"Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnn...

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The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

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