UPJOKE
oldlong-timeformererstwhileexveteranancientonetimeoctogenarianseniorwhoseprominentoutspokenfellowstalwart

Longtime Jokes

RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke,
“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all...

My longtime girlfriend broke things off because she said I was “too competitive…”

I don’t know what that means but I know who won the “I love you more” game.

Being an older due and a longtime Penthouse fan I never thought I'd say this but...

I sure do miss Bush.

Sudden end of a longtime friendship

**Sudden end of a longtime friendship**
*a short story*

Monica was breastfeeding her son
while her best friend Soniya sat nearby...

Monica asked - 'Does my son resemble me or his father?'

Soniya - 'He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father!'

**The End*...

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

A guys longtime girlfriend broke up with him for playing too many video games...

What a dumb reason to Fallout 4.

Despite being a longtime single dude, I just *know* that legions of ladies want my body.

I've got the figure of a Maxim cover girl.

Engineer and anti-vaxxer

An engineer, an anti-vaxxer, and others were walking through the woods when they came upon a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that river safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess...

Pope decided to drive

(not my original content, and I cannot remember the whole thing very well, so I may have taken some liberties)

One day, Pope was scheduled to visit a village in nearby Italy, but since it had been a longtime since he had driven a car himself, he decided that he wants to do the driving on this...

A user is new to Reddit.

His friend—who is a longtime user—agrees to show him around the site. They go to r/jokes, and the user simply posts “7.”

Immediately, people begin upvoting and commenting their approval. The new user is puzzled.

The Reddit veteran then posts “13,” much to the pleasure of the sub. The p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Look what the wind blew off!

A soldier and his longtime girlfriend had just gotten married and were enjoying their honeymoon in a romantic oasis; both were virgins and had waited years for their consummation. As they were about the make love he was contacted by the army who said World War II had just begun and he had to be depl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Greg gets home from work...

Greg gets home from work, he is annoyed and exhausted because his boss was on his ass all day.

As Greg enters his house he says "honey I’m home" his longtime girlfriend, Betty, walks up to him with her arms crossed and she says "I’m really mad at you".
Greg collapses in a chair and respon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wendy

A man proposes to his longtime girlfriend, Wendy. He says: Wendy, I love you so much will you please be my wife? Which she replies: No, I will not be your wife until you prove your undying loyalty to me. You have to prove that you will never cheat on me or leave me.

He thinks about it for a c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dildo

A woman had just recently been separated from her longtime boyfriend. After a week went by she was getting horny, so she stuck her hand down her pants and starting fapping on the couch. She tried to get off but just could not with her hand. Frustrated and unable to sleep she decided to go the t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.