Norm Macdonald Jokes - 30 Hilarious Norm Macdonald Jokes

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Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I'v...

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

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My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.

—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

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As a single man trying to attract a partner, it's important to project the qualities you desire

Which I understand. But boy.. oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately

\~ Norm MacDonald joke read by Bobby Lee

I feel bad for the homeless guy

"I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever"

-Norm Macdonald

I endorse podiums

That’s a product I can stand behind!

-Norm Macdonald

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Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

So Norm Macdonald died

As he would have wanted, there is no punchline.

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

Norm Macdonald: I was gonna say that the Polish government did actually try to land on the Sun back in the..[interrupted: No, no they didn’t.] (Norm continues) Yes, and they were ridiculed for it, because they said, you know, you’ll burn up when you come anywhere near it.

They said 'we’re going at night'

Bob Saget, Norm Macdonald, and Gilbert Gottfried walk into a bar

There's no punchline, I'm just really sad now.

[nsfw] Why did Norm MacDonald never have a farm?

Because he never got old.

Why do English people call it Football?

If they play it with a soccer ball

~Norm MacDonald

I signed up for my company’s 401k

but I don’t think I can run that far.

-Norm Macdonald

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I heard Bill Clinton got really drunk one day and had sex with Hillary

- Norm Macdonald

"I'm not a doctor

But if you die...The cancer dies at the same time. So that's not a loss.. That's a draw"

- RIP Norm MacDonald

Honey, I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. I need you to pay me a compliment.

Ok. Your eyesight is damn near perfect!

- Norm MacDonald

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What kind of jacket did hitler wear?

A fuhrer coat

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."

"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

I found a baby bird the other day

The other day I found a baby bird that had fallen out of its nest.

I love animals, and I thought to myself 'I'm going to get this little guy back to its nest'.

Now, it took me about 5 or 6 throws...

Credit: Norm Macdonald on his new Netflix show (Since everything here is...

Memory joke from Norm MacDonald's new memoir

An old fellow named Jim is having memory troubles and goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him medicine.

Jim's friend comes over to his house and says, "Jim I understand you got some medicine for your memory. Tell me, does it work?"

"Oh yes", says Jim. "Works like a charm."...

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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

I don’t want fancy things.

I don’t want fancy fancy fancy things.

I don’t want fancy fancy schmacy things.

I don’t want fancy fancy schmacy whancy things.

I don’t want fancy fancy schmacy whancy take me on a trip to Paris Francy things.

What I do what

Is to waste your and my time.

-...

ID is a funny abbreviation.

The I stands for I and D strands for dentification.

-Norm Macdonald

I know how to nip March Madness in the bud.

Just look for signs of brooding antisocial February fever.

- Norm Macdonald

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Gambling jokes

**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!

**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!

**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 ou...

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A frog walks into a bank

Heard this one on Norm MacDonald's show/podcast so he gets the credit. It's better delivered in live, but here it is:

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He walks over to the bank teller--her name's Whack (nametag says Whack).
Frog: "Yes, I'd like to get a loan."

Teller: "A loan...

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Norm MacDonald dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.

"Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?"

"Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint."

Norm looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure sky.

Satan says, "Not bad ri...

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