God’s last name

Isn’t “damnit”

Yoda's last name

Not many people know this, but Yoda has a last name. It's Lay Hee Hoo.

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I’m changing my last name to Constipated...

I just don’t give a shit any more.

Have you ever noticed that all airline Captains have the same last name?

Every public address they make beings with: “Welcome, this is your Captain Speaking...”

At a position of entry for asylum seekers, the functionaries have started to not require first and last name anymore, since some of the refugees had been analphabets.

Instead all they want now is two x's, one for first, one for last name. So they take the asylum seekers in, record their two crosses and move on.

At some point a woman comes in and writes down three x's. The person tending to her tells her: "Hey, you only need to make two x's.", to which she...

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Some last names originate from what the family did in the past...

Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

"Alright! We're gonna have you a...

Last Name Only !

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

What last name does the Irish Watchmaker have?

O'clock

if a woman is a grandma and her last name is Smith

does that make her a Granny Smith?

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

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In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

Disney finally released Yoda's last name. His full name is:

Yoda Lay-Heehoo

I can't thank you enough for telling me Yoda's last name!

Yoda Man!

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My friend Crystal married an Indian guy but decided not to change her last name

And it's a good thing she did, because she'll be fucked if her name is Crystal Mehta

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If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

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Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

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If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China"

It was her made-in name

Now that I have officially divorced my wife, and she has chosen to keep my last name.

I wanted to be clear that you cannot trust a word she says.

Regards,

Mr Information.

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What was the Virgin Mary's last name?

Christmas.


(Have a good one, reddit!)

Why does the FCC Chairman have the last name "Pai"?

Because he is irrational...

My family's last name is 'Expectation'

The entire family is currently in the hospital because of my stepdad, he started with me and said that for once in his life he'd beat all expectations

My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything.

You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

Security question: What was the last name of your first grade teacher?

My first grade teacher hacking my bank account: I'm in

When can a man and a woman have the same last name?

Teenagers: brother and sister

Adults: husband and wife

Alabama: yes

I should change my last name to Bull.

But I'm not going to as it would make this a Terry Bull joke!

Besides their last name, what does Wiz Khalifa and the Burj Khalifa have in common?

They're the highest things on this planet.

Why did I change my last name?

SO my wife could have Ms. Carriage

If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors...

Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.

"You have a weird last name!"

....is what she said to him. He replied,

"Well, it's pretty common in my family"

I changed my last name to 'Batman' the day before my wedding

My Father-in-Law didn't enjoy the wedding of Dan and Anna BATMAN.

What was Popeye's last name?

Pimento, because he comes in an Olive.

I found out Moe’s real last name from “The Simpsons”

Lester.

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What is Yoda's last name?

"Lay Hee Whooo!"

Guys, I'm so sorry for posting this but my wife turned to me and asked this in all seriousness, then laughed her ass off when she told me the punchline. She's super proud of her terrible joke, and no I don't think Yoda is a Swiss mountain climber, I'm actually just really hap...

Is your last name Ghandi?

Because you're Mah Hot Ma

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"My last name is Smith, because my dad was a blacksmith." "My last name is Fisher, because my dad was a fisherman."

"My last name is Dickinson, and I dont like this game"

I just realized why Joe Hill won’t take his dad (Stephen King) last name...

because everyone would think he was Joking.

I met a man with the last name Popcorn. He said he was in the military...

He was a kernel.

Somewhere in the world, there is a teacher whose last name is Carriage

And her students call her “Miss Carriage”

I wish my last name was Wong

Because when I get married and have a kid I can name them Right to say that 2 Wongs do make a Right

We were discussing last names when my friend David Meth said..

Every girl I’ve slept with has done Meth.

Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?

Because I Kant.

We should treat David like his last name

And Leavitt alone.

[Request] My friend's last name is Lung and I promised I'd make a really good joke about that

Does anyone have anything I could use? Additional information about her to make it specific is available at request.

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If some last names were an ancestor's profession (Baker, Cobbler)

How do you explain Dickinson?

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Ever notice how strippers' last names are always things they can't afford?

Like Katie Diamond, or Sugar Health-Insurance

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I was helping a customer fill out some paperwork and he told me he didn't know his first name.

He said his whole life people just called him by his last name, "Johnson." He thought hard for a moment, then suddenly perked up. "Oh! You know what, I think it might be 'Fuckoff," he said. I raised an eyebrow at him. "Fuckoff?" He nodded. "Yeah, back in school I would approach the other kids and sa...

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

"Do you know my father is a doctor?"

Guy 2: Wow! My father is a doctor too!

Guy 1: Phillip is my last name.

Guy 2 [excited]: Omg! My surname is Phillip too.

Guy 1: I'm 23 years old.

Guy 2: What? Get out of here [laughing], I'm also 23 years old.

Guy 1: Don't tell me that you are born on the 14th of Au...

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

Your spy name is

Your last name, followed by a brief pause and then your first and last name.

Native American name - a true story

25 years ago, I worked with a guy named Kee Smith (last name changed here... this is really a real story). Kee was sort of a crunchy granola type of European ancestry. Eventually, he told the story about his unusual name.

He said he was born on a reservation, and he was placed in a bassinet...

Jimmy had five sons named Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy and Rudy. How did he tell them apart?

He called them by their last name.

What do Polish men give their wives on their wedding day that’s long and hard?

Their last name.

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are"

Ok. BTW what's my last name?

"Scissorhands"

Alabama, the land of 5 million people...

...and 4 last names.

J-Lo's new nickname

Jennifer Lopez is called J-Lo. She dropped the last 3 letters of her last name. She got rid of them. Dispensed with them.

Doesn't that make her a pez dispenser?

Historical Context on How to Pronounce the Sauce

Since we are talking about how to pronounce the sauce. I though I would give some historical context I was talk when I was younger.

In the 19th Century, 2 men in England created a new sauce. It was savory, and went well with potatoes and meats. The 2 men didn't know what to call this sauce, s...

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Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?

>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?

They meet at work in the morning

>Did you heal about the Polish terrorist that tried to blow up the bus?

He burnt his lips on the ...

A pregant woman goes into a doctors office to have an ultrasound.

The doctor tells us that she is going to have a girl. The doctor then asks what she will name the baby. "Hannah," she says. "I have six other daughters, and I've named them all Hannah."
"Surely that's a bit confusing?" The doctor inquires. "What if you want to call one of them downstairs?"
"Th...

Anna Paula went to the doctor.

She checked in at the desk. The receptionist asked her name.
"Anna Paula" she replied.
"And your last name?"
"My last name is Day."
The receptionist went back to the doctor and came back quickly. "I'm sorry the doctor refused to see you."


Which just proves that Anna Paula Day...

White and Wong

One Sunday, back in 2005/2006, as i was reading the comics from the local paper, i was trying to remember the name of one of the actors from Law and Order: SVU. For the life of me i couldn't remember his name. My grandpa, being a smart-ass, gave me a hint by saying A.C. White. I thought about it for...

“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me.



"Bartholomew." I said.



"And your last name?" he continued.



"It's always been Bartholomew." I said.

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So there's this kid named Jackson . . .

Jackson is about to have his first day of kindergarten.

He knows his name. He's like 5 or 6, or whatever age kindergartners are. They all know their names. That's important.

So Jackson goes into his class. His parents drop him off or whatever. Class starts and the teacher starts doing ...

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

A cop pulls over a guy on a motorcycle...

and asks him for his name.

"My name is Ed." he said.

"Just Ed? no last name?"

"Just Ed."

"care to explain?" asked the cop.

"Well, it started a long time ago. I was Ed Johnson. As a kid, I always wanted to be a doctor. So I studied hard and finally graduated medic...

How can you get paid to do nothing?

Change your last name to kardashian.

A frog goes into a bank

“What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.

“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.

“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.

The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What ...

a german kid fails his art class

and his dad changes his last name

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