A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

What's big and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas at night.

Your head

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The virgin bride

A nice Italian girl got married. The had their honeymoon in the brides parents house. When the time came for bed, they went upstairs to her room. The groom proceeded to take off his coat and shirt. He was extremely hairy.

The bride rushed from the room and down to her mother.

"Ma...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

What did Hagrid say to Harry after he was bitten by Lupin?

Yer a hairy wizard

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy....

Either way, the silver bullets work.

What’s long and hard, and hairy at one end?

A toothbrush.

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

A guy and his wife go to a party, one of the guests asks why his wife is so hairy?

The guy responds “that’s just hirsute.”

What is brown, hairy, lives in the desert, has four legs, two humps, and is full of cement?

A camel - I put in the cement just to make it harder.

Whats hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a "c", ends with a "t" and has the letters "u" and "n" in the middle?

A coconut

A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..

She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."

This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the...

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If you watch 1970's porn backwards..

It's about a hairy man who hoovers cum off a women, then breaks her washing machine and leaves...

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

What big, brown, hairy, and has a white liquid inside?

Coconuts

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

What has two dark hairy holes and is smelly

Get your head out of the gutter, it’s your nose.

A woman with extremely hairy armpits decides to wear a sleeveless dress.

She enters a bus and, finding no seats, is forced to hold the railing on top with the other standing passengers.

A drunk man was standing next to her. "I really admire you ballerinas, you know.“

Confused, she responds," Why would you think I'm a ballerina?“

“It's obvious, " says...

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on vacation.

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What do you call a hairy bush?

Vagitation.

I'm a very hairy guy, so...

...to me, the whole concept of manscaping is pretty nuts.

Cuddly bear

A woman walks into bar and sits next to a handsome man. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together, and go back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that a wall in his bedroom is completely filled with three shelves of soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears on three...

(From my 8 year old son), What do you call a hairy nut?

A moustachio.

Where does the hairy farmer hide his cows ?

In his moo stash.

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

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During the Japanese Occupation, a Malay, a Chinese and an Indian are captured by the Japanese army

The soldiers who capture them bring them to a forest, where they are told to pick 10 of the same fruits and to bring it back to them.

The Malay returns first, with ten rambutans. When he returns, an officer says: "I will stuff these ten rambutans into your anus; make a sound and I will kill y...

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One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,"You bitch, your cunt is too hairy!

Well your dick is to small bastard!"The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname w...

Why are Australian women so hairy?

Because Australian men don't mind exploring the bush in the land down under!

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A man walks into a bar...

He orders a fuzzy navel.

Bartender: "We don't have those right now, but I can give you the next best thing: a hairy bellybutton"

The man orders it, drinks it, and says "not bad. How about sex on the beach?"

Bartender: "We don't have those right now, but I can give you the next ...

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Teaching Virgil

Ma and Paw are sitting on the porch when Paw says "Ma, Virgil is 18 its about time he learns about fuckin".

"Well how you reckon we teach him Paw?" Says Ma.

"You go in the bedroom and get naked on the bed and spread your legs. I'll be in in a minute."

Paw goes to his son and say...

"A" hairy fruit. "AN" especially juicy stone fruit. "THE" fuzzy fruit...

= articles of imPEACHment.

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What has four hairy legs and fucks my sister on Christmas?

Me and my dad! Merry Christmas from the Alabama of the north, Alberta Canada .

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My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.



\- Gary Delaney

What's weird, hairy, and on fire?

A furry

What is black and hairy and runs around the back yard screaming?

A baby covered in funnel web spiders

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Italian Wedding Night

**Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.**


**Her mother reassured her;**


**'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of...

I feel sorry for my dad. He doesn't have a hairy chest.

Which means I got it from my mom.

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

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What do you call a super hairy penis?

A willy mammoth

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Girlfriend: "Why do you have a photo of this hairy, tattooed, scarred butt on your computer?" [nsfw]

Me: "You found it... You found the Pirate's Booty."

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..

C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..

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Little Billy comes home and asks his dad...

"Daddy, one of the boys at school called me a 'cunt'! What does that mean?"

His dad says, "wait until mommy goes to bed, and then I'll show you."

A few hours pass, and sure enough mom has gone to bed and fallen asleep. Billy's dad comes into his room and wakes him up. They go into the ...

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Two men are shipwrecked on an island... (long)

They decide to explore the island to look for food as they are quite hungry. After a while of searching they find a cabin hidden in the middle of the woods and there's smoke coming from the chimney.

The first man tells the second he'll go knock and check it out and that the other should stay ...

Every family reunion we would see our uncle who we called “caveman” we called him that because he was big and hairy and every now and then he would eat one of us

Then we found out he was a bear

Mom the mean kids at school are bullying me, they are calling me hairy.

Mom: MARIO THE DOG IS TALKING AGAIN

A little boy is in the bath with his mum and asks her what the hairy thing he found in the water is?

*”Oh, that’s just mummy’s sponge”* she replies
 

*”Ah thought so”* says the little boy *”The baby sitter has got one of those, I’ve seen her washing daddy’s face with it!”*

Ballerina.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar in Dublin ...
She raises her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as says to the people sitting at the bar
"What man here will buy a woman a drink?
The bar went quiet as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the...

Yo mama's so hairy

when she walks her dog she gets pet first

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

What do you call a hairy puzzle?

Pubik's Cube.

What is the difference between a prince, a bald headed man, a monkey and an orphan?

The first is an heir apparent, the second has no apparent hair, the third has hairy parent and the last has nary a parent.

A man and a woman were out on a first date together

Everything is going great and they are getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman comments on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”

The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thinks quickly and r...

My husband just interrupted my work from home to deliver this one.

The door opened, and in popped my husband's head.

**Him:** "Hey, Jennifer, what do you call a Jennifer with extra hairy legs?"

**Me, rolling my eyes at him:** "A Jennifer Spider?"

**Him:** "Nope. A SASS-SQUATCH"

In totally unrelated news: He'll be eating boiled chicken an...

Yo mamma so hairy

She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is

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Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

After the dinosaurs died out, mammals became the dominant life form.

Unlike dinosaurs, which had scales and feathers, mammals are covered in fur.

I guess you could say things got a little bit hairy after the asteroud hit.

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My grandmother won the hairy boobs contest.

She's the grey tits in the world.

A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom...

Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, "Would you like to go to Prom with me?".

The girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, "Would I!?".

"HAIRY LIP", replied the boy.

Hairy

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.


The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from...

What’s the difference between a flea and a coyote?

One howls on the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy

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Sick of all the comments I get when I wear my daisy dukes..

“Why are your legs so hairy” and “Sir, your penis is hanging out”

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I hate sphynx cats because

I prefer hairy pussy

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

A skunk and a rabbit were running through the woods and accidentally they collided with each other.

They both got amnesia from the crash.

"Who am I? What am I?" said the rabbit confused.

"Well, you're one such... with a short tail, long ears..."

"I guess!" shouted the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit!"

"And what am I?" asked the skunk.

"Ah! Yes. You're one such hairy, smell...

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What do bodyguards and testicles have in common?

They are always behind a big dick, they always come in pairs, they are usually hairy and ugly and when there's a party, they have to wait outside.

What is the big hairy thing between Napoleon's legs?

His horse Marengo

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A little boy asked his mommy 'Mommy, what's that big hairy thing between your legs?'

The mother replied, 'It's daddy now close the fucking bedroom door!'

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Luig' and the hairy woman NSFW

(Told to me in a very poor Italian accent.)

An Italian man is talking to his friend Luig'.

Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the hairy arms?"

Luig': "No."

Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the mustache?"

Luig': "No."

Italian man: "...

Why was Donald Trump's hairy messy?

Coz he lost his Comey!

:D

A man and a woman had just gotten married, and were spending their first night at her mother's house.

The mother tells her daughter "OK, you go upstairs and enjoy your husband, and I'll cook dinner". The newlyweds then head upstairs to the bedroom and the husband begins to undress, eager to consummate their union. He starts by removing his shirt, which earns him a startled look from his bride before...

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation...

A service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasants daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, ...

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This is a Kurdish joke and I hope I can translate it well. So a man is planning to visit Europe for a year...

Before he leaves to the airport he goes to the supermarket to get essentials. As he’s there he sees Kiwis and he absolutely loved them, but unfortunately he can’t buy them now since he’s leaving, but he promises himself when he gets back he’ll buy some from the same guy.

He departs to Europe ...

A zoo has the most amazing gorilla specimen, but no mate for her...

They cannot find someone to satisfy this amazing female gorilla but cannot find any gorillas strong enough to withstand her.

Eventually they realize the janitor, Hank, is a very big, strong and hairy man. The zoo owner approaches him and says:
“Hey Hank, you know Lucy the gorilla? Woul...

What do you call the Sasquatch who likes to throw pots?

Hairy Potter

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years...

A man goes to the doctor....

He says, "I don't know what's happening: I've grown a hairy chest, sideburns and I'm started talking in a Welsh accent.

"Ah", said the doctor, "I think you have Tom Jones sydrome".

"I've never heard of that", says the man, "is it very common?"

The doctor says, "It's not unusual....

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. ...

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

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