UPJOKE

5 Minute Jokes

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it
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I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...
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My Father always told me if it takes 5 minutes...Do it now.

Now, I’m a chronic masturbator.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.
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When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
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My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes…..

I wasn’t really feeling it
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The 5 Minute Management Course

The 5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she say...

Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby".

Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".
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In New York, someone is mugged every 14.5 minutes.

Why doesn't he move away?
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What's worse than rushing to the liquor store 5 minutes before it closes?

Getting there 30 minutes before it opens.
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My Internet stopped working for 5 minutes.

Met my parents.

They're nice people.
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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Hey Guys! I just watched a 5 minute video on the Dunning-Kreugar Effect.

So, I’m pretty much an expert now.
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Why should you let your meat rest for 5 minutes?

In case your arm gets tired.
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The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I'm confused...

... because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
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5 minutes

A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the...
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5 Minutes !

The police just knocked on my door and asked “Where were you around 8.05pm last night sir?"

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love."

"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But god knows where he was at five past."
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Incredibly Fat lady and her Super Fat husband complained at me for standing in line for all of 5 minutes.

"Sorry about the weight."
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Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...
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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off
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My kid's pediatrician cancelled my appointment because i was 5 minutes late

He has very little patients.
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I watched a gif of a sloth for 5 minutes yesterday

Until I realized it was just an image
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The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.

I can't see it happening.
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My internet was down for 5 minutes today

So I went downstairs and spoke to my family. They seem like nice people.
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Do you know the difference between 5 minutes of sodomy and 5 minutes of blowjob?

Do you have 10 minutes?

I just realised that a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes"

Are exactly the same
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In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes.

And he's getting fed up with it.
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...
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Story of my divorce

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi...
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One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it'...

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PornHub now requires all visitors to watch at least 5 minutes of dwarf MILF content before accessing other videos.

That's the bare mini mum.

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Just had sex with my wife for 1 hour and 5 minutes

Thank you DST!

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5 minutes into watching willy wonka and the chocolate factory and I'm craving chocolate

This is why I can't watch breaking bad

It takes up to 5 minutes for Chloroform to work

And it takes additional applications for the desired outcome.

......talk about an awkward evening
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I’m finally starting to overcome my ADHD. Today I went on a 10 minute run, and then I spent 5 minutes on cleaning the kitchen.

And then I spent 45 minutes typing out 2 sentences to post to Reddit for karma
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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

The original "You won't last 5 minutes playing this game" was invented in

Guantanamo Bay.
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Finished a jigsaw puzzle in 5 minutes today..

surprising because the box said 4-6 years.
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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than 5 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death?

A Water Lilly.
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The FBI had an opening for an assasin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what th...

Last night I massaged my wife

Italian: Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French: Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 20 minutes.

Indian : That's nothing. Last ni...
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just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able
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Mom sends her son out to play fetch with the dog. 5 minutes later both the son and the dog are back inside, looking grumpy.

"What happened?" Asks the mom.

"We lost the ball." says the boy.

"Oh no, where?" The dog replies: "Roof, roof"

Stunned, the mother says, "Did the dog just say it's on the roof?"

"No," the boy scoffs. "I mean the ball is up there, but the dumb dog's not talking."

Th...
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On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."



Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:



"Computer is really screwed up now.”
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I once spent 5 minutes trying to remove a photocopied image of a staple from a document.

Nothing worked until I xeroxed the staple remover.
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Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...
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My internet was just down for 5 minutes,

Im okay, but the 9-1-1 operator was being a total bitch about it.

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I've only been in jail 5 minutes, and I've already been anally penetrated twice.

I fucking hate playing monopoly with my dad.

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

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I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."
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I was working in an ice cream shop and we ran out of vanilla ice cream

About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks for a gallon of vanilla. So I have to break the news too her.
“Sorry ma’am, we are all out of vanilla today.”
“Oh, no bother” she says, “I’ll just take a pint of vanilla then”
Slightly confused, I say “No ma’am, it’s not just the gallon size, ...

Dinner date

After a fancy dinner date, a young couple was walking back to their car, a beautiful Porsche Boxster. Upon arriving they realize that they have found themselves locked out as they left the keys inside the vehicle.

The man says to his date “hand me one of your hair pins, straighten it out and ...
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A guy reads an ad for a car driving course. 'Learn how to drive in only 5 minutes!'

He turns up and asks, "How the hell can you teach how to drive in only 5 minutes?" The teacher replies, "It's a crash course."
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A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...
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What do you do in 5 minutes that you then suffer for for 9 months?

A school application.
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I went running today but came back after 5 minutes because I forgot something

I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.
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An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...
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The year is 1939, Soviet troops are marching on Finland

As they cross the border, the general hears a Finnish voice just over a hill saying "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!".

The general laughs and sends 10 soldiers to take the hill, after a minute or so of gunfire, the same voice says "one Finnish soldier is better than 1...
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A guy dies and gets to the pearly gates

where st peter asks him
"son, to let you into heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on earth"
the guy thinks for a minute and replies
"well, this one time i saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over...
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David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
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Why is viagra just like Disneyland?

It's a 1 hour wait for a 5 minute ride.

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')
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How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.
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The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...
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In Gulag

Inmates discussing what they were sent to Gulag for.

"I was always 5 minutes late, so they sent me here for sabotage. You?"

"I was always 5 minutes early, so they sent me here for espionage. How about you, comrade?"

"I was always on time, so they sent me here for harming Soviet ...
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A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says "buk".

So the librarian gives the chicken a book. The chicken walks outside with the book and comes back 5 minutes later without the book.

"Buk, buk" says the chicken again, so the librarian gives it another book, it walks outside and returns with no book.

"Buk, buk" it says, and the same ...
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3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.

Inmate 1: "So what are you in for?"

Inmate 2: "I was 5 minutes late to work and was accused of sabotage."

Inmate 1 turns to Inmate 3 and asks: "What about you?"

Inmate 3: "I was 5 minutes early to work and was accused of espionage. What about you?"

Inmate 1: "I arrived at...
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A bear opens up a grocery store in the woods

A bunny walks in the store and goes to the bear.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

“No I don’t” responded the bear.

A few minutes pass and the bunny asks again.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

The bear confused responds.

“You just...
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A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...
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3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later wit...
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An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...
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Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...
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A group of three men were sitting together...

When one asked " What would you do if you had 5 minutes to live?"
The second man responds by saying "If I had 5 minutes I would fu*k anything that moved"
When the third man was asked what he would do he replied " I would stand very still for 5 minutes"
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I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"
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A sloth walks into a bar in the afternoon

Bartender: we are closing in 5 minutes
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Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...
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two guys are out golfing and they realize they have to go to the bathroom

Two guys are out golfing when one of the golfers turns the other one it says "oh man I got to go to the bathroom."

The other one looks at him and says "yeah me too. But you better go first, I'm going to be in there a while."

So the first guy runs across the green goes into the Outhouse...

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A man hitches a ride with a trucker. Oddly enough, a monkey is seated in between the two of them.

After about 5 minutes of small talk, the hitchhiker finally felt comfortable enough to ask:

"So, what's with the monkey?"

"Watch this..." said the trucker.

He then smacked the monkey on the forehead. The monkey immediately unzipped the truckers pants, gave the trucker a blow job...

Never F#@k With Oldies...

“Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
...
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two men were walking thier dogs...

Two men, tom and bob were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. "You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungr...
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Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes...
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3 men are in a Soviet Prison

They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of havin...
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Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to hi...
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Final exam at the FBI

Three men isolated from each other are sitting in a room. The examiner goes to the first man: "Go into the room in front of you, there is your girlfriend inside. She comitted a war crime. Take the gun and kill her." He goes inside and after 10 minutes he came out and said: "Im sorry, i can't do this...

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