It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

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I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out….

there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another...

Mom sends her son out to play fetch with the dog. 5 minutes later both the son and the dog are back inside, looking grumpy.

"What happened?" Asks the mom.

"We lost the ball." says the boy.

"Oh no, where?" The dog replies: "Roof, roof"

Stunned, the mother says, "Did the dog just say it's on the roof?"

"No," the boy scoffs. "I mean the ball is up there, but the dumb dog's not talking."

Th...

The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.

I can't see it happening.

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

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My Father always told me if it takes 5 minutes...Do it now.

Now, I’m a chronic masturbator.

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PornHub now requires all visitors to watch at least 5 minutes of dwarf MILF content before accessing other videos.

That's the bare mini mum.

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes...

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it.

Hey Guys! I just watched a 5 minute video on the Dunning-Kreugar Effect.

So, I’m pretty much an expert now.

What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than 5 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death?

A Water Lilly.

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My wife has a moto: "If it takes less than 5 minutes, I will do it now."

We have sex constantly.

I watched a gif of a sloth for 5 minutes yesterday

Until I realized it was just an image

The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I'm confused...

... because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"

Q : "Do you the difference between 5 minutess of sodomy and 5 minutes of doggy style ? "

A : "No"
Q : "Do you have 10 minutes ?"

Why should you let your meat rest for 5 minutes?

In case your arm gets tired.

My kid's pediatrician cancelled my appointment because i was 5 minutes late

He has very little patients.

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If it takes less than 5 minutes, do it right away

You won't believe how much Sex I am having since following this simple advice.

My Internet stopped working for 5 minutes.

Met my parents.

They're nice people.

I’m finally starting to overcome my ADHD. Today I went on a 10 minute run, and then I spent 5 minutes on cleaning the kitchen.

And then I spent 45 minutes typing out 2 sentences to post to Reddit for karma

I once spent 5 minutes trying to remove a photocopied image of a staple from a document.

Nothing worked until I xeroxed the staple remover.

just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

The original "You won't last 5 minutes playing this game" was invented in

Guantanamo Bay.

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

5 Minutes !

The police just knocked on my door and asked “Where were you around 8.05pm last night sir?"

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love."

"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But god knows where he was at five past."

It takes up to 5 minutes for Chloroform to work

And it takes additional applications for the desired outcome.

......talk about an awkward evening

My internet was down for 5 minutes today

So I went downstairs and spoke to my family. They seem like nice people.

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5 minutes into watching willy wonka and the chocolate factory and I'm craving chocolate

This is why I can't watch breaking bad

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The 5 Minute Management Course

The 5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she say...

5 minutes

A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the...

I only had 5 minutes to season my Lamb before it went in the oven

It was a race agaisnt thyme

My wife was in a coma for 6 months and the doctor told me that although it's unconventional that I could try oral to wake her up so I decided to give it a try but after 5 minutes I gave up and the doctor asked what happened...

She just kept choking.

In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes.

And he's getting fed up with it.

I just realised that a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes"

Are exactly the same

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I've only been in jail 5 minutes, and I've already been anally penetrated twice.

I fucking hate playing monopoly with my dad.

A guy reads an ad for a car driving course. 'Learn how to drive in only 5 minutes!'

He turns up and asks, "How the hell can you teach how to drive in only 5 minutes?" The teacher replies, "It's a crash course."

Finished a jigsaw puzzle in 5 minutes today..

surprising because the box said 4-6 years.

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My wife's been in a coma for years now and so the doctor suggested we try something a little unconventional to wake her up, oral sex. So I went in and came back out 5 minutes later, looking defeated. "What happened?" The doctor asks...

"She just kept choking, doc."

What do you do in 5 minutes that you then suffer for for 9 months?

A school application.

I went running today but came back after 5 minutes because I forgot something

I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.

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My internet was just down for 5 minutes,

Im okay, but the 9-1-1 operator was being a total bitch about it.

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

A bear opens up a grocery store in the woods

A bunny walks in the store and goes to the bear.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

“No I don’t” responded the bear.

A few minutes pass and the bunny asks again.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

The bear confused responds.

“You just...

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

The year is 1939, Soviet troops are marching on Finland

As they cross the border, the general hears a Finnish voice just over a hill saying "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!".

The general laughs and sends 10 soldiers to take the hill, after a minute or so of gunfire, the same voice says "one Finnish soldier is better than 1...

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

Might aswell.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

Five Things

Here are the five best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk at work: 5) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 4) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You pr...

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