UPJOKE

2 Minute Jokes

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

My girlfriend got mad at me cause I only lasted 2 minutes...

Including the walk back to her car

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This is OC just made it up 2 minutes ago

So a teacher starts class by talking about responsibility, and says, “As you know, we’re all human, and we all make mistakes, but...” and just then, Johnny raised his hand, and the teacher called on him.

“Actually, I’ve never made a mistake.”

“There’s no way on earth Johnny, everyone ...

A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I finally lasted 1 hour and 2 minutes in bed...

Thank god for daylight savings

I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something

I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.

Why Somali submarines come to the surface every 2 minutes?

To let paddlers breathe

I made a vinyl disc with grooves in 2 minutes.

I think that’s a record.

Three vampires were arguing about who's the fastest.

The first said, "See that village? I can kill all of the people there in 5 minutes"

The other two agreed to time it and he sped off, coming back in 4 minutes covered in blood.

The second vampire said, "See that town over there? I can kill all the people there in 2 minutes." and sped o...

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

New research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy and as good for you as a 20 minute jog.

So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

My math Professor arrived 8 minutes late for our first lecture, 4 minutes late for our second, and now 2 minutes late for our third.

At this rate, he will never be on time.

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

(Edited from Tennis to Golf.)

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

I ordered take out and it came in less than 2 minutes.

It reminded me of you.

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...

The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.

"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down ...

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

I asked my wife if I could play doctor

I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time

[NSFW] What is a guaranteed way to make a Weiner hard?

Put it in the microwave for about 2 minutes.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Elon Musk's DM to a hot girl: "Will send pics of my rocket. Lots of thrust. Gets up fast! Wink. Wink." Girl responds…

"Would be nice if it didn’t explode after 2 minutes."

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Good sex or bad sex?

Two women are talking:

“How was the sex last night?” one asks.

“A catastrophe! My husband came from work, had dinner in 3 minutes, after we had 4 minutes sex, he was deep sleep 2 minutes after! That fucker! And yours, How was it? “

”My, was AMAZING! My husband took me out for a...

I asked a blind date what she wanted to do for the evening...

She made what seemed like a very forward and provocative suggestion. Not one to turn down a lady, I shrugged and tore off her clothes and mine, and we made passionate love that lasted less than 2 minutes.

Afterwards, breathing heavily, she said "That was... Unexpected and amazing. But can we ...

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

Doctor's phone rings.

Dad: Doctor!, Doctor!

We were watching soccer with a TV dinner.

I guess I wasn't looking, I nicked my son's wrist.

There's blood everywhere, I, I can't stop the bleeding,

.. wait, oh it's a mess..

Doctor: Don't panic, my nurse has called an ambulance.

What's...

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

My performance in the bedroom is like a high-sticking call in hockey.

Typically 2 minutes, but 4 minutes if there's blood.

An atheist, a vegan and a crossfitter walk into a bar.

I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes.

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A Man Goes to a Small Town

He goes to the local bar and asks the bartender where a guy goes to have sex.


"If you're looking to get fucked, go on upstairs and knock on the door at the end of the hall"


The guy heads right up the steps and knocks on the door. A voice behind the door says "what are you looki...

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(LONG) A woman walks into a parrot shop....

She points at a bird and says "I'll take that one please." "Be careful" warns the shopkeeper "That ones a real pervert." "Don't worry" replies the woman "I know how to deal with it"

Later that day, the woman puts the bird in her bedroom and begins to undress. Once the lady took her shorts off...

My favorite joke from tonight's debate

"you have 2 minutes"

My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman

I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4” and is over in 2 minutes.

Women can argue for 3 hours straight.

But 2 minutes into a bj and their jaw hurts.

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Santa and Mrs. Clause

Santa has been so busy with getting toys ready for next Christmas that he hasn't been able to be intimate with Mrs. Clause. They realized it had been 3 months since the last time they have had sex. That night, Santa decided to take a break from making toys to be intimate with his wife .

That ...

My girlfriend wanted to visit another country, so I wrote an algorithm that crawls all the travel sites online...

She wanted to go to either Canada or Iran.

Canada, Canada's pretty close, I just ran Canada in about 2 minutes; I found a way that fit our budget.

And Iran, Iran's so far away, I just ran Iran all night and day; I couldn't get a way.

What do the Kentucky Derby and a wedding have in common?

They both have months of build up for 2 minutes of action.

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Having a bad day at work…

An associate goes to the bar in the top floor of his high rise office building and orders a drink. The place is empty except for the bartender and a lone man at the other end of bar. While staring into his drink, he can’t help but notice the other guy pound 4 shots.
“Must’ve had a worse day than...

A bear walks into a bar and orders 100 pints on beer

After 2 minutes the Bear asks “when are you gonna finish?”
the bartender replies “ bear with me sir”

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

Fireman;s hose

So, a fireman comes home from work one day, and says to his wife, "you know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell 1 rings, and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell three rings, and we all get on the trucks".

"So from now on, we're going t...

A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”

So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches ...

A man gets woken up by intruders in his house.

He phones the police and says "There's people robbing my house, please send help".

They dispatcher says there's no cars or police available.

The man hangs up and phones back 2 minutes later.

"I just shot the guys. They're both here with bullets in them"

2 minutes later, p...

I just don’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal about Eminem kneeling at the Super Bowl…

He literally said his knees were weak like 2 minutes earlier…

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What did the redditor say after he won the dick measuring competition?

Wow! This blew up. Thanks for the gold.



repost because i accidentally deleted the 1st post in 2 minutes

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

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Three vampires just casually sitting on a bench at 02.00 am.

They all get hungry and the first one leaves them to find some fresh blood.
He returns after 30 minutes with some blood dripping from his chin.

“Where have you been?” The other two vampires ask.

“Do you see that light over there?” he asks them. “Yes” the others reply.

“There...

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Little Johnny and Little Jack were playing the Penis game, a game where you shout 'penis' louder and louder.

Little Johnny: Wanna play the penis game?

Little Jack: Ok

Little Johnny: penis

Little Jack: Penis

Little Johnny: PEnis

Little Jack: PENis

Little Johnny: PENIS!

Teacher: LITTLE JOHNNY! GO TO THE FRONT OFFICE, NOW!

Little Johnny: Okay :(

-...

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