A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...
The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.
"Do you know what I do for a living?"
She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"
"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...
Last Minute
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if e...
Last minute survey
They surveyed people about what's more tolerable in an elevator. A fart or a cough. By overwhelming majority the fart is winning 95% to 4%. The last 1% are afraid of elevators.
Why did you ruin the Thanksgiving turkey at the last minute?
It just wasn't very well thawed out. (it's bad, but it's mine)
How do you get your mother in-law to come to your house at the last minute?
"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!"
Our Christmas pageant moved online at the last minute due to COVID
So my wife is now barking orders: “I need a bathrobe for my Joseph!”
“No problem!” I replied, digging one out of the closet.
“I need a doll for my Jesus!”
“I’ll get one from the kids’ room!” I call over my shoulder, already on my way.
“I need a rustic backdrop for my in...
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Last Minute Christmas Shopping
Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas. Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."
Bob said,"Do you remember the jewelry store we went int...
A few years back, I was asked at the last minute to stand in on bass for Geddy Lee, just for one night.
It was a Rush job...
Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.
I met a few of his cousins too;
The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.
The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.
The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.
The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.
The one who is so sure of himsel...
Last minute anniversary gift (x-post from r/cleanjokes)
A devoted husband has made it a tradition to buy his beautiful wife beautiful flora for their anniversary. Though his plant of choice is not roses nor tulips, but her favorite: anemone
Alas, there was no anemone in stock this year at the local nursery.
"What else can I buy my wife for ...
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but I was outbid at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true:
You can't win a mall.
I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account.
Now all I can do is panic.
I waited until the last minute to study for my drivers exam
and ended up taking a crash course.
What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?
Critical Mass
Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!
The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.
Lawyer joke
There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the...
I was supposed to give a lecture on herpes today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.
Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.
A man was doing some last minute Christmas shopping and spotted a beautiful parrot through the window of a pet shop.
The man walked inside to get a better look, and the owner of the shop approached the man.
"That's Chet," the owner said, "He's a very special parrot."
"What do you mean special?" the man asked.
The owner struck a match and held it under the parrots left foot and Chet began to...
I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!
He's my super visor
I was almost in a devil's threesome once, but at the last minute the other guy backed out. So i looked at the girl and said...
"Well that's a load off your back"
The keurig machine at work acts like its going to give me coffee, but it turns off at the last minute.
I feel like I'm getting brew balls.
The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.
Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:
Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...
An 89 year old man goes to the urologist
"Doc," he says, "I need a vasectomy."
"A vasectomy? Why in the world would you need a vasectomy at your age?"
"Well doc, I just married a beautiful 22-year-old woman, and last night she told me she was pregnant! I can't have more kids at my age!"
The doc thought for a second an...
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...
A Man Is Driving Down a Highway, When He Sees a Priest Hitchhiking
So, being a good catholic, he picks him up. They drive a bit further down the highway, when the man then spots a well-known lawyer hitchhiking as well. Remembering that this man represented his ex wife during their divorce, an impulse of anger causes him to aim his car right at the lawyer. He then r...
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...
I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...
Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
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