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Meek Jokes

God: "The meek shall inherit... Neptune."

The Pope: "What happened to the Earth?"

God: "Funny, I was going to ask you the same thing!"

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Stalin is giving a big public speech...

... and someone sneezes. Stalin says, "Who sneezed?" Nobody says anything. He looks at a couple of his goons and jerks his head towards the audience. They go pull some random guy out of the crowd and shoot him. Stalin again asks who sneezed. This meek little guy that sneezed can't take it, and steps...

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Three college kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ Steak, and eggs," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks her middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ steak, and eggs for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks her youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the...

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There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

A Dumb Blonde goes Ice Fishing

They head out onto the ice with their bucket, fishing gear, and a big drill. As they put the drill bit on the ice surface, a voice booms out from all around:

**DON'T DRILL INTO THE ICE!**

The Dumb Blonde looks around fearfully and says meekly, "G-G-God? Is... <gulp> Is that you?"...

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A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar...

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar and strolls up to the bar that already has wall to wall customers. He shoves everyone to one side and demands the bartender's attention. Everyone is immediately cowed into silence by the look of him.

"Gimme a shot of whiskey!" He barks...

A father, finally exasperated looking at his son's failed test scores, shouted: " Son, if you fail your exams one more time today, don't you EVER call me your father again!!"

"Yes, father.", the son replied meekly.

After the exams, the son came home.

"How were the exams, son? Do you think you managed to pass this time?"

"NO PROBLEMO, DUDE!"

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stalin is in a huge auditorium giving a speech,

when from somewhere near the front of the crowd comes a DEAFENING sneeze, cutting him off. In a booming voice Stalin asks, "WHO DID THAT?"

No reply.

Stalin orders the entire front row to be taken outside and executed. Thereafter he continues his speech, until another ear-splitting ACHO...

There was a skinny bus conductor and a buff guy...

Whenever the buff guy traveled the bus and conductor came to him for the ticket, buff guy says I don't buy tickets.

The conductor always meekly went away.



One day the conductor got tired of this and joined the gym.

After some time he too got buff.



Next day...

I was nearly at the freeway entrance...

... when I suddenly remembered that since I had the SUV today, I was stuck with dropping our Great Dane off at the vets that morning. A screeching u-turn, more than a few rolling stops and made it back in record time. Bursting into the house, I tore from room to room, calling for the dog. Throwing ...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

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The bus driver

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like ...

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A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.

The bear was grunting and groaning trying to do his business. This agitated the rabbit who did his business quietly.

After the bear was done grunting and groaning, he looked to the rabbit.

The rabbit, feeling uncomfortable, looked back at the bear and sharply asked, "what?"

The...

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

Death or Buka?

Three explorers are out exploring the jungle. Suddenly, they are captured by the native people who live there. They are tied up and brought before the chief of the tribe.

The chief looks the first man in the eye and asks him,
"Death or buka?"
The man, not knowing what buka is, but dec...

Which rapper would you rather bring back from the dead?

- Tupac
- Biggie Smalls
- Eazy E
- Meek Mills

[Long] A man goes into a hotel with a built-in restaurant

He checks in, goes to his room to read, then he goes to the restaurant and sits on one of the central tables.

He then orders the meal and waits for it, but he also notices that the waiter seems to always serve guests who are sitting near the room's walls.

The man gets a bit irritated...

Just as ordered

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.


"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.


"What do you mean?" barked the customer.


"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and...

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

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A woman goes to a plastic surgeon,

A woman goes to the plastic surgeon and she's very nervous. The surgeon says "Would you mind if I numb your breasts?" The woman meekly replies that that would be favourable.

Surgeon says "Numnumnumnum!"


- credit goes to Robin Williams in *Bicentennial Man*

Untitled joke

A starving man stumbles into a tavern, practically drooling from the smell of stew wafting out of the building.
He staggers to the bar and is about to order some food when he realizes he forgot his wallet.
Looking around in hopes of seeing someone familiar he could ask for help, he sees an ang...

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A big, burly biker walks into a bar.

He's a monster of a man, and he walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. Bartender slides him the shot, the biker picks it up, looks to his right and says, "You're all a bunch of cocksuckers!" and downs the shot. The bar is quiet as he orders another shot. Bartender slides it over, he pi...

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An Irishman was telling a Scott about his trouble sleeping.

The Scott asks if he’s tried counting sheep. The Irishman says that stuff doesn’t work, it’s for wee babes in mums aarms. The Scott says, “Ney laddie, werks ever time. But ‘ye got ta meek it reel lifey like in yer heed. See ever lil’ detail, ever lil’ soond dontcha do any meer wandrin bye.”
...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.

Ha...

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A scrawny accountant goes to prison.

His first night there he meets his cell mate, a huge burly tattooed dangerous looking man. His cell mate says to him, “listen here fucker we’re going to play house, now do you want to be the man or do you want to be the wife?” The accountant thinks about it for a minute and answers meekly, “well I ...

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.

Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.


One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught,...

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Parrot discipline

One day a woman decided to get a parrot. She was in luck, because the pet store had a previously owned one very cheap, but when she got it home she found out why: its previous owner had been a sailor, and the parrot's language was awful. Whatever she tried, it just kept squawking "Fuck off, bitch!" ...

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The thinnest wire

In the 70s there was a worldwide scientific conference and the US was the dominant country with its post-WWII scientific advancements towering over all others. Teeming with overconfidence the US team spent the entire conference heckling the Japanese delegates who were put beside them and were not as...

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It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

During a nationwide blonde convention...

A blonde convention was being held at the City Square. A blonde representative screamed out loud, "We shall show them that we are blonde, and WE ARE NOT DUMB!" She was greeted with a roar of applause.

After two hours of cheering, speeches and demonstrations, the blonde leader called forward a...

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

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About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.

Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.

Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.

“Good morning, sir. I’d like 12 ...

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A man is found guilty & sent to prison

He's a slight man, with a short, thin, scrawny frame, & the prison assigns him to a cell with a 6'8" 325lb muscular man named Tyrone who looks absolutely terrifying.

The new inmate avoids looking at his frightening cellmate, so Tyrone decides to break the ice and in a very intimidating vo...

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A guy walks into a bar.....

A guy walks into a bar carrying a canvas bag. He says to the bartender "I'm gonna show you something so fabulous that you'll want to buy me drinks all night." With that, he jumps up on the bar, pulls his zipper down and starts gyrating with his dick swinging around. Everyone in the bar gasps as he r...

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Redeeming jew joke

So I'm at a party, and this guy drops a really offensive jewish holocaust joke. Everybody out the party bursts out laughing thinking it's hilarious, except one guy. When asked why he didn't laugh the guy said: "I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in the holocaust." Everybody...

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me....

A joke we tell tourists in china

Back when the Terra-cotta Soldiers were discovered, Bill and Hilary Clinton decided to visit the site. It was also asked of the chinese officials arranging the tour, that the Clintons could meet the meek and old chinese man that discovered the Terra-cotta.

Back then, the Terra-cotta site was ...

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A chef if having trouble killing a turtle...

It's a high class establishment along the campaign trail, and the Trump posse has just entered the restaurant, with Trump demanding turtle soup.

The chef, a consummate professional, starts working on the food. But this time, the turtle is not cooperating. Every time he goes to grab its head, ...

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

Three tough biker dudes...

...walk into a bar. They notice a skinny, bespectacled little guy sitting in the corner by himself, and decide to have some fun.

They order three beers, and one of the bikers says, "Charge these to that little runt over there in the corner." Then he calls over to the little guy, "Hey, Poind...

A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a lo...

Tommy

Did you hear about the english man who wanted to fight in the first world war?
He joined late. Skip forward to the first fight. He’s in the trench. Tommy as we’ll call him goes up to his captain, and says, er, captain, i’m reporting for duty. I want to fight for my country!
The captain replie...

Sad Christmas Story

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I wa...

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Something elsewhere on reddit reminded me of this old joke. - - - Four nuns are tragically killed in a car accident.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates they find Saint Peter awaiting them.

He greets them politely saying, “My dear sisters in Christ, before I can allow anyone to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each a question.”

Continuing, as he smiles down at them, “I must emphasize, being tru...

The ballad of Awful Ed

A British man was tending a bar in the wild west Americas of 1867. He hadn't owned the bar long, but for the most part it was quiet in the town where he did his business.

One day, a cowboy in a panic ran into the bar screaming "Everybody run for your lives! Awful Ed is coming to town!!!". Alm...

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A woman hasnt had sex in a long time (LONG)

A woman, named Ethel and in her 30's, is out with her girlfriends at a bar. Eventually, talk turns to sex and there are some laughs and sly whispers. Except Ethel starts silently crying.

Her girlfriends ask what is wrong.

"I haven't had sex in more than three years!", Ethel sobs.
...

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