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Medical Condition Jokes

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

My doctor told me that, due to an obscure medical condition, I would never be able to feel shocked or frightened ever again.

I wasn't surprised.

I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top.

My doctor said, it is called "Turret-Syndrome"

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The one with a rare medical condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed ...

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

A man lied about his medical condition.

When he went to the x-ray operator, he was told that nothing is wrong with him.

Later that day someone asked him,"how did you know?"

The operator replied,"I could see right through him."

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I have suffered from an annoying medical condition for a long time.

During sex, when I am just about to come, I suffer from shortness of breath, running nose and I burst into tears. The symptoms turned gradually so bad I had to consult a doctor. Today he called - the lab results were finally ready. It turns out that I am apparently terribly allergic to capsaisin spr...

Did you hear about the psychologist who's career was ruined by a medical condition?

She had a nut allergy

I have a medical condition where I’m allergic to only one type of pasta

It’s called macaroni and sneeze

I have a medical condition that means I can die if I have burnt bread..

I am black toast intolerant

What is the medical condition where your lizard can't stand up?

Ereptile dysfunction

What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?

Incontinence.

At my university the only way to have a mini-fridge in my room is to have a medical condition...

Apparently being an alcoholic doesn't qualify...

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A guy goes to see his doctor

The doctor, as per routine, asks, "What brings you in today?"

The guy sighs and says, "My penis is orange."

The doctor looks up from his chart, slightly confused and askes, "Is that a metaphor or...."

The guy stops him and says, "No, doctor. My dick is bright orange."

Eve...

I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine.

Apparently being a republican isn’t an acceptable medical condition.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a bottle of champagne and yells "Happy New Year!"

"It's not even close to midnight yet, you idiot," the bartender reprimands him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I suspect I might have a rare medical condition that makes me yell that," the guy apologizes. "I think I suffer from premature congratulations."

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The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

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Extreme Sexual Exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the ...

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a doctor and a lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were speaking at a cocktail party.

The conversation was constantly being interrupted by people asking the doctor about their specific medical conditions and seeking free health care advice.

This went on for about an hour until the doctor was completely exasperate...

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The Queen's Surprise

The Queen of England is taking a tour of one of America's best hospitals. They are going through different areas, and occasionally meeting with some of the patients.

They walk into a room, and inside, a patient is intensely masturbating.

The Queen is shocked. "My heavens, what is the...

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A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.

The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate...

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A woman gets on a plane and takes her seat. A few moments later a man boards the plane and takes the seat next to her.

After about 5 minutes the man sneezes and proceeds to unzip his pants, pull out a hanky and wipes off his dick.

The woman is shocked but doesn't say anything. A few minutes later the man sneezes again and proceeds to pull his dick out and wipe it off. Shocked the woman says to the man, "excu...

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A guy ate at a restaurant.

He noticed that the waiter's thumb was touching the soup when he brought the appetizer to the table.

"Excuse me. Half of your thumb was in my soup."

"Oh I am sorry!"

As the guy was enjoying the soup, the waiter brought out the main course. Again, his thumb was sticking in the f...

A man is shopping without a mask on....

Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*

Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.

Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.

Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?

Man: Covid-19

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Bob’s flight

Bob is on his flight home from a long business trip.

He’s thankful to find the middle seat will be open for the upcoming 5 hour trip.

About 30 minutes after take off, he notices the man in the window seat sneeze and then proceed to take a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe off the he...

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The Doctor is Always Right

A man wakes up feeling sick, so he goes to an urgent care center.  The doctor asks what his symptoms are, and he tells her, "I'm not sure - I'm just not right."

The doctor immediately replies, "I need a urine specimen."

The man is taken aback.  "Why do you need a urine sample?  You hav...

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

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A woman sits in her seat on a plane.

As she gets her pillow and mask out preparing for the long flight ahead, she hears the man sitting beside her sneeze. She looks over to say "bless you", but before she can get the words out she is startled to see the man unzipping his trousers. He pulls out his penis, wipes it off, tucks it back in,...

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

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A man goes to see his gynecologist

"So, what seems to be the problem sir?" The doctor asks politely.

"Well, uh, there seems to be something wrong with my genitals..." he says awkwardly. "I want you to check up on me, but I'm embarrassed you'll laugh"

"Sir, I have been in the medical business for 15 years, and I have nev...

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There's no easy way to say this, but...

you have a rare medical condition know as Irish Wristwatch Syndrome.

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A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight from New York to Los Angeles.


As they were taking off, the man let out a sneeze, then took a napkin out from his pocket and reached into his pants and patted down his crotch region. The woman, being polite, pretended not to not...

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

A man brought his sick wife to see a doctor.

The doctor examined the woman and he was quite concerned about her medical condition. He took the husband aside and said to him, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me too", the husband remarked, "but she cooks well and takes care of the children."

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A guy walks into a bar

And orders a drink. As the bartender is pouring the mans drink, he notices the man sneezing multiple times, then reaches down his pants and wipes himself off. Wondering the bartender asks " what the hell was that about?!" the man explains that he suffers from a rare medical condition. "Once I sneez...

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My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

So I went to the doctor's yesterday, and he said he had good news and bad news

I asked him to give me the bad news first. He tells me I've got a rare medical condition that is known to kill the victim incredibly quickly, and says that I have a 100% chance of death very soon. I then asked him what the bad news was.

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Bill can't get the song "What's New, Pussycat?" out of his head.

Bill goes to the doctor, and says "Doctor, doctor, you've gotta help me! I can't get the song "What's New, Pussycat?" out of my head."

Doctor says "Well, that's not really a medical condition, is it?"

Bill says "You don't understand, it's been in my head for three or four months, const...

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An old man is not feeling well, so he goes to see the doctor....

...accompanied by his wife. The doctor gives him a full physical, EKG, treadmill test, X-rays, the whole nine yards. When the exam is over and the couple is in the doctor's office, the doctor asks the man to step outside for a minute so he can talk to the wife.

"Your husband is gravely ill ...

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Queen Elizabeth II visits a hospital...

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating. "Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your R...

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I dare someone to pull off this joke IRL.

A manager calls one of his employes because he is very late for work.
The employee picks up the phone. The boss enquires, "John, why aren't you at work?" John responds, "I have a medical condition." Concerned the manager asks, "What is it?" John replies, "I have anal glaucoma." The manager respo...

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