What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a hooker with diarrhoea?

With the oyster you shuck between fits...

Scientists have found out that diarrhoea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans.

My son came over to me and asked, "Dad, how do you spell 'diarrhoea'?"

I replied, "I don't know son, but Doesn't It Always Run Really Horribly Over Each Ankle?!"

I was just reading an article of ten facts about diarrhoea.

Number 2 will really surprise you!

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What does a disorganised person with diarrhoea say?

I need to get my shit together

My father, his father, his father's father and his father's father's father all had chronic diarrhoea

Runs in the family I guess

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I was having a bad case of diarrhoea so I called in sick to work. However, my plea was rejected

Apparently having a lot of shit to deal with isn't a valid excuse.

What's the difference between diarrhoea and a hopping marsupial that loves wordplay?

One's a runny poo and the other is a punny roo.


Thank you and goodnight.

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Dear Diarrhoea.

Today, I was diagnosed with dyslexia and I also shit myself.

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What’s the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhoea?

One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits

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My chronic diarrhoea is giving me insomnia

I'm getting real tired of this shit.

I've got diarrhoea, my dads got diarrhoea and my brothers got diarrhoea.

Runs in the family.

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea

Brave fart

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What magic spell does Harry Potter use when he get diarrhoea from a chocolate mousse?

Expelli-arse-mousse

Diarrhoea leaves you like an Xbox

With a red ring

I'm not sure if I have constipation or diarrhoea.

I'll find out by a process of elimination.

Did you know cucumbers are really good to stop diarrhoea?

It just hurts a lot...

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[NSFW] Every time you are constipated I get diarrhoea

I shit you not

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Even had diarrhoea while camping?

Shit's intense.

What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common?

Blood on your stool

My sandwich had a bomb inside

I think I might have explosive diarrhoea

Next week is national diarrhoea awareness week

It runs to Sunday

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What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea?

"Get your shit together"

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The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.

At some point, one says:

"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''

"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch a...

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Why are people with diarrhoea the best mods?

They take so much shit that they can't give any.

The Interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of rsums he found four people who were equally qualified. An American, an Indian, a European and a Nigerian.He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers w...

Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world

The first man says “The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head”

The second man says “The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly”

The third man thinks for a second and says “you are b...

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Doctor I have constipation!

Doctor: No shit?
Me: I meant diarrhoea
Doctor: Oh, shit

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A honeymoon couple booked into a quiet sea-side hotel.

All the staff exchanged knowing glances. At 3 o' clock on the first morning, the desk clerk noticed the groom heading out laden with fishing gear. Amazed, the clerk asked,

"You're going fishing? Why aren't you making love to your lovely new wife?"

"No way, she's got gonnorhoea."
...

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug,

apparently 9 out of 10 people suffered from diarrhoea.

I can’t stop thinking about the tenth person that actually enjoyed it...

what’s brown and hides in the attic?

the diarrhoea of Anne Frank

I'm writing a book about my time growing up as a shy young boy with irritable bowel syndrome...

... i've decided to call it 'Diarrhoea Of A Wimpy Kid'

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When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

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A visit to the pope

A man walks into the barber's and says "I don't mind what you do so long as it looks smart, I'm going to see the pope".

"Oh not the pope! He's done nothing for the faith. I went to see him a while ago and he never even appeared. They said he wasn't feeling well. Pathetic if you ask me, lett...

Doctor: sir I have two bad diagnoses for you...

Doctor: sir I have two bad diagnoses for you, one is that you have worst diarrhoea I have ever seen.
Patient: what's the other one then?
Doctor: you also have very bad amnesia, you can't remember anything from last 15 seconds.
Patient: well at least I don't have diarrhoea.

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Johnny at school..

At school, Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Catherine, the teacher, asks the students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said, "Paracetamol ?"
"Very good! And what is it used for?"
"It is used for a headache."
The second pupil said, "R...

I was stood in the Chemist..

And I said to the lady behind the counter, “Do you have anything that will clear up Diarrhoea?”
“We have some Imodium plus, if that’s what you mean,” she replied.
“No, I don’t think you understand my question. I just shat on your floor.”

My dog kept me awake all night.

Dreadful diarrhoea.

Don't think I cooked him properly.

Why do terrorists avoid Indian food?

Cause when you've got C-4 falling out of your ass, the last thing you need is sudden, explosive diarrhoea.

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The teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines tgey use at home

Little Kevin promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!"

The teacher says, "Very good, Kevin, anyone else?"

Little Lisa answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?"

The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Lisa," then turns ...

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