Max Jokes - 84 Hilarious Max Jokes

Hannah and Max are talking during recess...

Max finds Hannah really pretty. Thinking he's old enough for a girlfriend, he decides to try to flirt with Hannah.

"I just remembered, I had a dream about you last night!", Max did not, in fact, have a dream about Hannah last night.

"Oh, really? Was it a nice dream?", says Hannah, clea...

My new neighbor practices the trumpet at 6 in the morning, then listens to thrash metal at max volume after midnight.

Don't worry though. I've let him know that if he stops doing the first thing, I'll let him stop the second too.

Max Clifford, Jimmy Saville and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar in hell

“Oh no” says the barman. “Not Yewtree again”

When Max went to his violin lessons, he found a gun in his case.

"Oh my god!" he yelped "Now my old man is in the bank with my violin."

My name's Mad Max.

These are my brothers, Sad Max, Glad Max and Bad Max.

And this is the fella who started it all...

Dad Max!

What's the difference between Covid 19 and the 737 Max?

Covid 19 is airborne.

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

Max and Carl

One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.
“Whoa, what happened, Carl?”, Max asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.
“What?”, Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Carl replied, “There was in this one!”

Max has been working as a garment cutter for over 30 years for the same small company.

He had never been late once. One day he shows up for work two hours late with blood running from his lip and nose. His clothes are a mess, he's limping terribly, and looks to be in a lot of pain.

The boss asks him, "So Max, why are you late?"

Max breathlessly answers, "As I was going...

A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini

. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took u...

Max receives a text from his neighbor.

Hi Max, its Richard from next door, I've been riddled with guilt for months and have been trying to build up the courage to tell you face to face but i couldn't. When your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently....

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

My friend Max really gets off on climbing

We call him Climax.

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

Daniel Radcliffe could play a War Boy in Mad Max.

He is the boy who lived... and died... and lived again.

Yo momma's so fat, she's like a Boeing 737 Max 8.

At the slightest sign of trouble, she throws herself at the ground screaming, killing all 300 people riding her.

I was walking my dog, Max, on a bitterly cold morning when he paused by a fire hydrant and rose his right leg.

He yelped, and I saw a stream of frozen pee connecting him to the hydrant. I broke off the icicle, took him home, and warmed him up, and eventually he was fine.

A few days later, I was talking with my Aunt Edna and she asked how Max was doing. I told her the story, to which she replied that ...

A Max Miller Poem

I like the girls who do, I like the girls who don't, I

like the girls who say they will, And then decide they won't.

But the girls I like the most of all, And I know you'll think I'm right,

Are the girls that say they never will, But look as though they might!

...

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

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A man is at the bar, talking about his best friend, Max, being interested in his girlfriend.

"I understand I may be overreacting, but I'm still kinda worried like what happened to my ex." The bartender tells him "You'll be fine, just ask if there's a misunderstanding and try to clear it up." He thanks the bartender and goes home.

When he opened the door, he found Max having sex with ...

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What's the max speed of sex?

68, cuz when you hit 69 you have to turn around.

Max asks his best friend Oscar a question.

Max: "Hey Oscar, wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
Oscar: "Uh ... not really."
Max: "I guarantee it's a good one."
Oscar: "Uh ... okay."
Max: "Okay. Start it."
Oscar: "Uh ... knock-knock."
Max: "Who's there?"
Oscar: ???

My doctor assessed my condition and grimaced. He said, "I give you two weeks max."

"Bad news," I replied, "and my name is Tom."

What's the difference between a 737-Max and the Corona Virus?

What's the difference between a 737-Max and the Corona Virus?

The Corona Virus is air born!

Girlfriend walks into tk max halfway through the night out. She says....

I won't be long, I promise.

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

The FAA is reviewing the Boeing 737 Max...

... they might throw it under the Airbus.

A joke by Max Millar that got him banned from the BBC for 5 years in 1944

"I met a beautiful woman on a mountain trail. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off."

Reference: QI, S18E01

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A penis can be 11inches max because -

more than that and then it’ll be a foot.

"Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer"

They should make condoms...

My workmates are weird

They label the food in the companies fridge

Today I had a sandwich named Chris and a yogurt named Max

What's the difference between a commuter's phone and a 737 MAX?

The phone doesn't randomly lose Lyft completely while operating.

HBO Max has removed the film “Gone With The Wind,” from their streaming platform and...

frankly my dear...

What do Trump and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both deny all charges.

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(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.

*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

Did you guys see the new Mad Max prequel?

It was playing on every channel last night

I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

Greg wants to show his friend Max the golden toilet in the house he cleans in.

Greg cleans a big luxury house every week, the owner of the house is Mustafa. In the house the owner has a golden toilet and Greg thought it looked really luxurious and decided to show it to his friend Max. One day they go over to the house and ring the doorbell. Mustafa's wife comes to the door and...

I don’t know why all these countries are ordering to ground the Boeing 737 max

They literally ground themselves

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Max Goldstein has died and his body is being prepared for his funeral

The undertaker is astounded by the size of his penis, so he decides to cut if off, put it in a box, and bring it home to show his wife.

When he gets home he takes out the box, opens it in front of his wife, and says "What do you think of this?"

His wife screams, "Oh my god, Max Golds...

True fact, this week i weighed in at 188 pounds for the first time in forty years. I once maxed out at 288...

But that was too gross.

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A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time

Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. The...

Max the camel walks into his parents' room at 2am and asks for a glass of water.

His dad says, "Another one? That's the second glass this month."

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

I Think My Wife is Cheating on Me!

I think my wife accidently admitted to cheating on me. She was getting ready to go to the gym and I asked her when she would be back. She replied, "An hour, two Max."

The only problem...my name isn't Max!

Dave: "When will you be home?"

Wife: "10 to 15 minutes max."

Dave: All these years and she can't remember my name is Dave.

Don't know if this is known but I wanted to share

The wife said: "hey I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"

Husband: "are you cheating on me?"

Wife: "what?"

Husband: "say what you just said"

Wife: "I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"

Husband: "Exactly, my name is John"

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A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

The drunk father

"Hey son. Do you know what an alcoholic is seeing?" A father asked his son, Max.

"No," replied Max.

"See those 4 trees? An alcoholic would see 8." The father said.

"But there's only 2," replied Max.

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A scrawny man with a funny-looking yellow dog walks into a bar.

He sits right next to a great big guy with a great big dog and orders a beer. The big guy takes one look at the funny-looking dog and bursts out laughing! The scrawny guy doesn't say anything, so he says "that's the funniest-looking dog I've ever seen!"

"yep, sure is," the scrawny guy admitte...

The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.

That’s....sound advice.

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3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

Guys i just recently bought a 512Gb iPhone 11 Pro Max, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 9 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner....

Hi, Norm and Max.

Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol

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Little Timmy

When little Timmy went to school,
and mastered one to nine.
He thought the other kids were cool,
and every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
and drew in curves and bends.
And by the time the day was through,
he’d made a hundred friends!
“I’m pals with Pete, and...

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A Finnish salesman comes to Russia to sell chainsaws to local lumberjacks.

“With this saw a good lumberjack can cut down 40 trees an hour and not even get tired” says the salesman.

The lumberjacks, thinking that sounds pretty good, place an order for 50 chainsaws.

At first they are delighted but then the miracle wears off as they notice the Finnish salesman...

On average how many planes crash each year?

Typically in bounces between 7, 3, and 7. But recently it's at Max 8

World cup for firefighters

There was this world cup for firefighters(WCF) and the ref's would set a buliding on fire,and the team that stops the fire the fastest wins.

First up were the Germans.They come with some ladders and pipes filled with water.They stop the within 30 min.

Second are the Americans.Again wit...

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Doctors at a funeral

Dr. Ray recently died and his brothers, Dick and Max, also doctors, are at his funeral. Since Ray is a cardiologist, his coffin is enclosed in a big heart shaped tomb. Dick starts laughing, and Max says, "Why are you laughing, our brother died!" Dick says, "Well, as you know, I'm a gynecologist, and...

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"

What’s your favorite submersible?

Mine’s the Boeing 737 Max 8

Judging by how expensive this year's iPhones are...

It's no wonder why they're called the iPhone Excess and iPhone Excess Max

I hate people who brag

I swear, the next person who brags in front og me will be mowed down by my brand new Lamborghini Aventador with extremely comfortable leather seats at max speed (218 mph)

Need your best Short Jokes

One sentence max, I'll start:
A Dyslexic walks into a bra

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I feel that Apple fucked up their latest iPhone’s name

It should be rightfully named the iPhone XSpensive Max Price

A guy is selling a tv...

A guy is selling his tv at a yard sale

A customer who is looking for a tv asks how much.

The man replies, “The tv is only a dollar.”

The customer replies, “Really, only a dollar? Why is it so cheap?”

The man replies, “The volume is stuck on max. I hate it, so I’m selling...

New flight simulator.

I downloaded a new 737 Max flight simulator, but it keeps crashing.

Why did Nivea Cream?

Because Max Factor.

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My brother is deaf and watches porn

I turned the volume to max in his pc

The new iPhones are at the climax of political correctness

It's not XL, it's XS Max.

Only been going to the gym a week

And already hitting the max weight on one of the machines.

Shame it's the scales

There is a university in Germany that continually searches for the biggest piece of wood

Its the Max Plank institute

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A Jewish guy walks into a bar. The Chinese bartender asks him his name...

"I'm Max Goldberg", he says, "what's yours?"
"I'm Wei Zhang, it's nice to meet you."

Mr. Goldberg says, "I'll never forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor."
"I'm Chinese. That was the Japanese."
"Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me."

Mr. Zhang says, "I'll never forgive ...

A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,

and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.

The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said,...

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When I bought this car, no one told me there would be three jews in the air conditioner

High, Norm and Max

How did the Avon lady get pregnant?

Max Factor

What’s small and thin but gets you in?

Maxing out your credit cards

A guy is selling a TV at a garage sale for 1$

It is a close to new, 50” 4K flatscreen, and a woman comes up and asks him “What’s wrong with this TV, to only be selling it for a dollar?”

The man tells her “Well, there’s nothing wrong with the picture, or anything like that, but the volume is stuck on max, and you can’t change it at all. S...

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A woman is standing in line at a grocery store...

In front of her is a granddad and his young grandson. The kid goes "I WANT THAT CANDY NOW!" as he swings his arms around. The grandfather says "James, calm down or you're gonna hit someone."

A while later the kid goes "GIVE ME THAT TOY NOW!". His grandfather says "James, just be patient."
...

Snails.

A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says “this is the last one that’s built for sp...

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A woman buys a new car

It comes with a voice activated radio that will play whatever music that the driver desires. She decides to test it out while driving her new car home.

"Classical," she said.

The radio immediately starts playing Nocturne op.9 No.2.

"Country," she said as she turned left.

...

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