UPJOKE
friedrichfrederickoutageblackoutsaxondefectivedevonbritaingaulscottishshirefrancoislongbritishmalfunctioning

Little Fritz tells his father he wants to become a criminal when grown up.

His father explained, he would have to choose between a career in organised crime and a political career.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fritz and his grandpa Hans sit atop a hill overlooking their cozy little village.

Hans points at one of the houses and says "See that house over there? I built that. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the house builder'? No."

Then he points at a bridge crossing a small stream and says "And see that bridge over there? I built that as well. But do the people of o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Father’s Favorite Joke

One day, a man goes to a remote village and goes to the pub. He is completely taken with how incredible the bar is. Eventually he speaks to the barman and tells him how he has travelled the world but that this is the most beautiful bar he has ever seen. The barman says:
“You like this bar, hr...

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

"What do I look like?"

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife.
"Honey, my car got a flat, can you fix it for me?"
"What do I look like", He asks "The michelin tire guy? Get me a beer." And goes and watches TV/

The next day his wife greets him again after work.
"Honey, the dishwasher is on t...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Captain of a ship saw another ship on a collision course with his.

It was a pitch black night and the radio was on the fritz, so he decided to use Morse code to communicate with the vessel way out of sonar range.

He signaled out: change course 10 degrees west.

The reply comes back: change yours 10 degrees east.

The Captain signals back to th...

German Refugee

A refugee is sitting in the street in Berlin, bemoaning his life, when suddenly, a genie appears.

"I'm the socialist, liberal genie," says he, "and I'm here to grant you three wishes."

The refugee says "You see this gap in my teeth? I want it fixed." No sooner does he say that, that he...

In school there was a show and tell event.

Teacher: Adeline what did you bring?

Adeline: A MP3!

Teacher: Nice! What about you Ben?

Ben: A MP4.

Teacher: Interesting. What about you Carl?

Carl: I brought my MP5. Dan brought his MP7, Eva brought her MP18 and Fritz brought his MP40.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob sees his new neighbor working in his driveway...

Wanting to be friendly, he walks over to the driveway where his new neighbor is repairing his car. "Hey neighbor!" he says affably.

Hearing the voice, a big shaggy dog comes running over and starts sniffing Bob's feet. "Hey," the neighbor grunts.

"I see you've got a dog! I've g...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.