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Knocked Up Jokes

Why do you call a pregnant lady “knocked up”?

Because someone came in

After the dalmation knocked up the neighbor's Jack Russell...

...he experienced post-mutt clarity.

My now knocked up GF just told me that she's an anti-vaxxerr

so I only have to pay for 4 years of child support instead of 18.

What did God say to Joseph when he knocked up Mary?

Divine intervention baby!

Why did the seamstress keep getting knocked up?

She kept getting confused when her customers said they wanted her to take the seam in.

When the teenage daughter has been knocked up.

A teenage girl goes to her mother and tells her that she is pregnant. The mother is outraged by this news.

"Who is this scumbag who has done this to you? I demand to know who it is!"

The girl calls the father-to-be. 30 minutes later, a fancy limousine parks next to the house and a dis...

My wife got knocked up by her tennis instructor.

Serves her right.

Confucius say it's better to be knocked down and held up...

... than held down and knocked up.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this girl comes home pregnant.

Her mom's like, "What the shit? How'd you get all knocked up like this? Who's the dad?"

And she's like, "Mom, you've got it all wrong, it's a school project about the miracle of life!"

Mom's like, "Bitch you betta tell me who that bump's father is!"

The daughter just cries and i...

The guy will stand up to get knocked down

But the girl will lie down to get knocked up

My wife is leaving me for a being an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator. However...

...I knocked up the maid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God's Vacation

God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,

"Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"

St. Peter says, "well Pluto has good skiing."

God shakes his head fervently and replies, "no way, I brok...

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