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Lockdown Jokes

The Lego store near my house just reopened after lockdown...

People were lining up for blocks.

New lockdown rules in England...

New lockdown rules in England mean from Monday groups of up to six can meet. Six of the Seven Dwarves are arranging to meet up.

One of them isn’t Happy.

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

Lockdown here in Australia is confusing.

I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.

With lockdown 3 nearly upon us...

I saw a guy with 12 cases of San Miguel, 5 Paellas and 7 Sombreros. I think Hispanic buying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

In Hong Kong, there once lived a rich prestigious old man known as Grandpa Li.

Grandpa Li lived together with Grandma Li in a big mansion with 3 daughters, each known as Miss Li.

The eldest Miss Li got married. Since she came from a very prestigious family, she decided to keep her last name, and then known as Madam Li.

Madam Li had a Son and a Daughter. They are ...

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

I hear a lot of dads gained weight during lockdown

Dads are always good at putting on spare tires!

I have a joke about lockdowns

But it doesn't go anywhere.

How i made 200k from home during lockdown

So just thought I'd share with you guys my success story, I was made redundant back in March. So there I was 30 years old and not a clue what was going to happen, then out of nowhere I had an opportunity to sell Avon, so there I was 30 years old, male, selling Avon... first month goes by and I make ...

What does a vegan call lockdown?

Quorntine.

COVID lockdowns have been tough on everyone, but especially hard for men.

They've been losing $1.00 for every $0.79 women are losing.

California on lockdown

California has decided to lock down its cities. Many queued to get the Covid-19 test. After queuing for hours, one guy told the person next to him and said “I can’t take it anymore, I am going to kill Trump, please save the queue space for me”.
After a few hours, he came back to his queued space....

Lockdown in Russia

Lockdown in Russia, the '50s. Interdiction to be out between 21:00 and 6:00. 2 military men see some guy sneaking. One of them takes out his gun and shoots him.
- Yuri, why did you shoot him? It's only 20:45.
- I knew the guy, he lives very far. He wouldn't have made it on time

During the corona virus lockdown I've lost 95kgs

I'm ganna miss the wife and kids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its a story before lockdown

As Englisis my second language it all happened in Urdu my first language hope my translation makes sense

Me and my fat fried was traveling on a metro and I was listening to a song and I was deep in my imagination my eyes were open but I was not looking if that makes any sense

And aft...

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

Lockdown was great! I didn't work, i didn't socialise, i barely left the house.

Same as usual, except i didn't feel guilty.

Did you hear the one about the UK lockdown?

It ended in tiers.

Are locksmiths in lockdown ...

Or are they key-workers?

I've a joke on lockdown.

But it's too long.

Why did the NRA protest against the lockdown?

They want schools to reopen.

This lockdown's got my girlfriend feeling really depressed.

Anyone got a puncture repair kit?

My fitness has been great these past years despite the COVID lockdowns.

I even maxed out the weight on the assisted pull-up machine.

What does a Mexican call camping during lockdown?

Tent in quarantino!

I tried growing a beard over lockdown but couldn’t pull it off.

Then I tried using a razor instead and that was much more effective.

The reason there are so many demons out during lockdown

is because priests are only allowed to exorcize for 1 hour

A crow was arrested during lockdown for trying to organise a get together with many other fellow crows.

The police said he was arrested for attempted murder.

Go out camping during the lockdown to become a famous movie director.

Tentin Quarantino.

Re Boris Johnson’s recent lockdown announcement.

I knew it would end in tiers

Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown?

He had no common scents

Some idiots only write the word lockdown,

Because they can’t spell kwarinteen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Making yachts during the coronavirus lockdown

I have a friend named Pete who makes yachts for a living. Pete was quite worried about the virus as he thought not many people would be in the market for one of his nice boats. His yachts are big, sturdy, and beautiful, but primarily they're designed for big groups of people. Who's going to want to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My state needs to enforce a statewide lockdown....

....so that PornHub can offer us the free premium service!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During school lockdown drills there's always a designated area to defecate.

Since in emergencies it's always important to keep your shit together.

Coronavirus could keep us in lockdown for years

Get ready for the ‘Boring Twenties’.

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

During lockdown I discovered that there are only 3 shops I need: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My whole body is changing during lockdown

The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other.

I've started my own buisness building model yachts in my attic during lockdown.

Sales are going through the roof.



(I'll take my things and leave now..)

My friend suddenly became interested in golf during the pandemic lockdown

He kept saying that he wanted to see the US Open

This lockdown is not bad as it seemed

Today I had a great chat with a web designer.

Can you guys believe, the guy lived in my attic the whole time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bunch of doctors were asked about easing lockdown restrictions

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception...

During lockdown, middle aged women are adopting dogs at a rapid rate.

It's called the manypaws.

I'll see myself out.

I haven't shaved my mustache since the lockdown begun...

And it's kind of growing on me.

What would Bruce Forsyth think of all this coronavirus lockdown eh?

Nice 2 metre 2 metre nice.

I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday

There was a lot of risk

Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

Say what you want about America being on lockdown...

but school shootings are practically zero.

Who are the most important key workers during a lockdown?

Locksmiths

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young couple next door are making sex videos during the lockdown

They just don't know it though...

How do bees keep safe at home during a Corona lockdown?

Stay in a hive!
Stay in a hive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Stay in a hiiiiiiiiiiiive....

Why don't burglars have a problem with the COVID-19 lockdowns?

They are used to work from home.

I got so out of shape during lockdown. I think I should start exercising by doing lunges.

That would be a big step forward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the 2020 lockdowns started, people bought all the toilet paper for their assholes

Well, that's what the claimed. They actually bought it for they're assholes.

My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over.

Unfortunately, she has now been released.

Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today

So the death row inmates were left hanging.

Thanks to COVID-19, this is the first year I've not been able to run the London Marathon owing to lockdown.

Every other year it's been because I'm overweight, can't run, and am too lazy to even try.

The government have extended the lockdown period for anyone that drives..

Car owner virus

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

What do you call playing tenpins with your friends amid the lockdown?

Bowling for quarantine.

Being under lockdown for Covid, my wife started having nightmares that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

Unable to go out due to the Lockdown, I started talking to my brother.

He seems like a nice guy.

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

I was worried my tightwalking class would be cancelled because of the lockdown

But it's all online now

Ms. Jerginov was teaching a class, when the school went into lockdown.

Ms. Jerginov was a new teacher, and hadn't quite remembered proper lockdown procedures. She was trying to remember her training, because, well, she knew that she needed to know this!

Suddenly, there is a banging on the door. Ms. Jerginov knew that it was now or never, but just couldn't re...

What do you call a group of Karen’s like the ones protesting lockdowns?

A Covid of Karens.

This Quarantine lockdown sure is messing with other peoples heads, I just saw my neighbor talking to his cat!!

Told this to my dog and we both laughed our assess off.

Since I haven't cut my hair since the lockdowns, I told my wife, "My hair is longer than my johnson."

She said, "that's not saying much."

Me and my wife are stuck in our house for 7 days due to the corona virus lockdown

I'm not sure what will kill me first, corona or my wife.

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.

Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.

Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse...

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

Because of lockdown, I have not been driving at all. So I was quite excited when I got back in the car again.

As I stuck it in reverse, I said,

"This takes me back"

All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.

But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.

With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero.

I think hispanic buying.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Being on lockdown together has made my wife and me really conscious of how competitive we are. We've been having a good laugh about it!

(I laugh more than she does, though.)

I've been craving KFC for weeks...

But due to a COVID lockdown, I couldn't get it delivered.

When the lockdown was finally lifted, I made my usual order of an 8-piece bucket--extra crispy, with a side order of mashed potatoes and gravy.

I waited by the door for 5 minutes...10 minutes...15 minutes... After 20 minutes, I ...

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

Austria’s Prime minister...

... and his minister of health were sitting in a restaurant and laughing out loud. A guest comes by and asks: “Why are you laughing that hard?”
The PM replies: “We are planning the next lockdown!”
Guest: “And that’s so funny?”
PM: “Yes…”
Guest: “What are you planning to do?”
PM: “We w...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?

He ignored the lockdown order because “Jesus will protect me” he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. “Jesus, why didn’t you protect me!?”
Jesus responded, “First I put lockdowns in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

They say good things come to those who wait...

...apparently not to those restaurant employees during a pandemic lockdown

First day in the gym

After realising that I've put on a lot of Lockdown weight I decided to try the gym.

They have a lot of equipment and fancy machines, but by far the one I spent the most on was the vending machine!

Why are people buying out all the pasta/macaroni products?

Because when you are in lockdown.. A nice bowl can pasta time quicker

How does North Korea have 0 coronacases?

They have always been on lockdown.

If the situation we’re in right now were an anime, what would it be called?

Your Lockdown in April

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar...

... but the bar is closed, and they all get fined for breaking lockdown rules.

Lawyer’s wife is refusing to cook...

...After experimenting with various dishes for four days during the lockdown, the wife was not interested in cooking anything and wanted the husband to cook.

The wife asked the husband why are only wives expected to cook food for their husbands during the lockdown.

The lawyer husband s...

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated

My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.

But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And...

staying home because of Corona

When this lockdown will finally be over, the first thing I need to do is to relax at home for a few days.

During this covid self isolation I went outside for a brief moment, the door closed behind, and I didn't have my house keys with me. So l called a locksmith for help...

... when he arrived, i asked, "you sure you should be out during l this lockdown?"


He replied, "it's okay, I'm a key worker".

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