The Lego store near my house just reopened after lockdown...

People were lining up for blocks.

COVID lockdowns have been tough on everyone, but especially hard for men.

They've been losing $1.00 for every $0.79 women are losing.

My fitness has been great these past years despite the COVID lockdowns.

I even maxed out the weight on the assisted pull-up machine.

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

I have a joke about lockdowns

But it doesn't go anywhere.

Lockdown was great! I didn't work, i didn't socialise, i barely left the house.

Same as usual, except i didn't feel guilty.

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

Edit: No, wait, it's 500.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.

Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

A crow was arrested during lockdown for trying to organise a get together with many other fellow crows.

The police said he was arrested for attempted murder.

Lockdown here in Australia is confusing.

I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.

I tried growing a beard over lockdown but couldn’t pull it off.

Then I tried using a razor instead and that was much more effective.

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

I got so out of shape during lockdown. I think I should start exercising by doing lunges.

That would be a big step forward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical experts in Washington DC today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while optome...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

I've been craving KFC for weeks...

But due to a COVID lockdown, I couldn't get it delivered.

When the lockdown was finally lifted, I made my usual order of an 8-piece bucket--extra crispy, with a side order of mashed potatoes and gravy.

I waited by the door for 5 minutes...10 minutes...15 minutes... After 20 minutes, I ...

All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.

But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.

How i made 200k from home during lockdown

So just thought I'd share with you guys my success story, I was made redundant back in March. So there I was 30 years old and not a clue what was going to happen, then out of nowhere I had an opportunity to sell Avon, so there I was 30 years old, male, selling Avon... first month goes by and I make ...

The reason there are so many demons out during lockdown

is because priests are only allowed to exorcize for 1 hour

During lockdown, middle aged women are adopting dogs at a rapid rate.

It's called the manypaws.

I'll see myself out.

This lockdown's got my girlfriend feeling really depressed.

Anyone got a puncture repair kit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During school lockdown drills there's always a designated area to defecate.

Since in emergencies it's always important to keep your shit together.

Did you hear the one about the UK lockdown?

It ended in tiers.

What does a vegan call lockdown?

Quorntine.

Thanks to COVID-19, this is the first year I've not been able to run the London Marathon owing to lockdown.

Every other year it's been because I'm overweight, can't run, and am too lazy to even try.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the 2020 lockdowns started, people bought all the toilet paper for their assholes

Well, that's what the claimed. They actually bought it for they're assholes.

New lockdown rules in England...

New lockdown rules in England mean from Monday groups of up to six can meet. Six of the Seven Dwarves are arranging to meet up.

One of them isn’t Happy.

Go out camping during the lockdown to become a famous movie director.

Tentin Quarantino.

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

My friend suddenly became interested in golf during the pandemic lockdown

He kept saying that he wanted to see the US Open

Pre lockdown joke..

I’ve just got back from Sainsbury’s and I’ve just seen a fella buying 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paella’s and 3 sombreros.

I thought to myself..
Hispanic Buying.

Earlier this year the World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot spread COVID-19. Dogs are not impacted by any lockdown, do not have to be held in quarantine and can be released.

WHO let the dogs out

Since I haven't cut my hair since the lockdowns, I told my wife, "My hair is longer than my johnson."

She said, "that's not saying much."

Why did the NRA protest against the lockdown?

They want schools to reopen.

With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero.

I think hispanic buying.

During the corona virus lockdown I've lost 95kgs

I'm ganna miss the wife and kids

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

During lockdown I discovered that there are only 3 shops I need: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the lockdown started, all I did was masturbate and watch TV all day.

After 3 weeks it got awkward and my coworkers decided to tell me how to turn my camera off on Zoom.

I've started my own buisness building model yachts in my attic during lockdown.

Sales are going through the roof.



(I'll take my things and leave now..)

Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown?

He had no common scents

I should cut my long lockdown hair, but I just can't

It's really been growing on me

Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?

They are key workers.

Re Boris Johnson’s recent lockdown announcement.

I knew it would end in tiers

After lockdown I'm going to be less condescending.

(Condescending means to talk down to people)

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday

There was a lot of risk

What does a Mexican call camping during lockdown?

Tent in quarantino!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young couple next door are making sex videos during the lockdown

They just don't know it though...

Why don't burglars have a problem with the COVID-19 lockdowns?

They are used to work from home.

Where were all the rabbits during the covid-19 lockdown ?

They were all in carrot-ine.

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.

Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

tenfold

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its a story before lockdown

As Englisis my second language it all happened in Urdu my first language hope my translation makes sense

Me and my fat fried was traveling on a metro and I was listening to a song and I was deep in my imagination my eyes were open but I was not looking if that makes any sense

And aft...

My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over.

Unfortunately, she has now been released.

Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.

Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse...

Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today

So the death row inmates were left hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Medical Friend Just Sent Me This Lockdown Update

THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.

The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ

While the maj...

I was worried my tightwalking class would be cancelled because of the lockdown

But it's all online now

This Quarantine lockdown sure is messing with other peoples heads, I just saw my neighbor talking to his cat!!

Told this to my dog and we both laughed our assess off.

I haven't shaved my mustache since the lockdown begun...

And it's kind of growing on me.

Coronavirus could keep us in lockdown for years

Get ready for the ‘Boring Twenties’.

Some idiots only write the word lockdown,

Because they can’t spell kwarinteen

Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown..

Cuz he’s a key worker.

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

Indian restaurants in my town will not be allowed to open, even after the lockdown is over.

They are deemed to be a Naan essential business.

The government have extended the lockdown period for anyone that drives..

Car owner virus

Being on lockdown together has made my wife and me really conscious of how competitive we are. We've been having a good laugh about it!

(I laugh more than she does, though.)

This lockdown is not bad as it seemed

Today I had a great chat with a web designer.

Can you guys believe, the guy lived in my attic the whole time!

How do bees keep safe at home during a Corona lockdown?

Stay in a hive!
Stay in a hive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Stay in a hiiiiiiiiiiiive....

Say what you want about America being on lockdown...

but school shootings are practically zero.

What do you call playing tenpins with your friends amid the lockdown?

Bowling for quarantine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My whole body is changing during lockdown

The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other.

Since lockdown began, I've started making home movies...

You could say I've became a regular Tentin Quarantino.

What would Bruce Forsyth think of all this coronavirus lockdown eh?

Nice 2 metre 2 metre nice.

I Started Watching A New Series During Lockdown

It's a series about how a respiratory illness spread throughout the world in 2019 and 2020, and damaged many economies, as well as caused many people to lose their lives...the illness is even said to have originated in China. Despite similarities, the writers say it's not based on the novel, *Corona...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

5 Stages of mental breakdown during lockdown

1. Looking at the sky/ceiling endlessly
2. Thinking you've caught the virus
3. Crying/sudden outbursts
4. Violent streaks
5. Opening a Tik Tok account

California on lockdown

California has decided to lock down its cities. Many queued to get the Covid-19 test. After queuing for hours, one guy told the person next to him and said “I can’t take it anymore, I am going to kill Trump, please save the queue space for me”.
After a few hours, he came back to his queued space....

Me and my wife are stuck in our house for 7 days due to the corona virus lockdown

I'm not sure what will kill me first, corona or my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Making yachts during the coronavirus lockdown

I have a friend named Pete who makes yachts for a living. Pete was quite worried about the virus as he thought not many people would be in the market for one of his nice boats. His yachts are big, sturdy, and beautiful, but primarily they're designed for big groups of people. Who's going to want to ...

Im so tired of the lockdown

Hi so tired of the lockdown I'm dad

Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

What do you call a group of Karen’s like the ones protesting lockdowns?

A Covid of Karens.

Lockdown in Russia

Lockdown in Russia, the '50s. Interdiction to be out between 21:00 and 6:00. 2 military men see some guy sneaking. One of them takes out his gun and shoots him.
- Yuri, why did you shoot him? It's only 20:45.
- I knew the guy, he lives very far. He wouldn't have made it on time

What do you call a Spanish man who ran out of Toiler Paper during Lockdown?

His Panic

What profession will gain the most business after Covid19 lockdown?

Divorce Lawyers

Austria’s Prime minister...

... and his minister of health were sitting in a restaurant and laughing out loud. A guest comes by and asks: “Why are you laughing that hard?”
The PM replies: “We are planning the next lockdown!”
Guest: “And that’s so funny?”
PM: “Yes…”
Guest: “What are you planning to do?”
PM: “We w...

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

They say good things come to those who wait...

...apparently not to those restaurant employees during a pandemic lockdown

Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?

He ignored the lockdown order because “Jesus will protect me” he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. “Jesus, why didn’t you protect me!?”
Jesus responded, “First I put lockdowns in...

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated

My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.

But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock knock

Fuck off it's lockdown

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see his doctor

He says, "Doc, this is a bit embarrassing, but I didn't know who else to turn to so..."

Doc: "What's the problem?"

Man: "Well, my.. my penis, it's turned, it's uh.. well it's bright orange."

Doc: "Orange? Wow. Never heard of that. Let's have a look."

The man drops his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translated joke

During the lockdown a bored lion was wondering around in the jungle looking for some company
He came across a monkey on very high tree
Lion: Hello friend would you come down to chat
Monkey: no you are just hungry and going to eat me.
Lion: I swear I won’t eat you just come down please....

How does North Korea have 0 coronacases?

They have always been on lockdown.

Why are people buying out all the pasta/macaroni products?

Because when you are in lockdown.. A nice bowl can pasta time quicker

Put to good use..

I have a friend who's a pilot for EasyJet.
But, because of this lockdown, he's off work,
So l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end, and he jumped at the chance.
l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

Which matter is denser than a black hole?

The grey matter inside lockdown protesters.

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