I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.

The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."

The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."

The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."

The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud...

Two men are robbing a liquor store…

One says, ‘Is this whisky?’

‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky as wobbing a bank’

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

I went to the liquor store today

and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?”

I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”

a man walks into a liquor store

the store assistant says: "do you need help?"

the man replies: "yes. but I've decided to come here instead"

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

They want to buy a gallon of MD2020, the clerk says I can’t sell alcohol to nuns. The nuns say it’s for mother superiors constipation, so he sells it to them. A half an hour later the clerk goes to take out the trash and he finds the two nuns stinking drunk. He says Sisters I’m shocked, you said it ...

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A dwarf walks into a liquor store and orders, "I'd like just enough vodka for one."

"Half-pint?"

"Fuck you. Just get the vodka."

I got carded at the liquor store yesterday.

While I was looking for my ID in my wallet my Blockbuster card fell out onto the counter. The guy started laughing and said, "Never mind."

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

A guy walks into a liquor store without a mask on...

He says, "I'd like a six pack of bud light and a case of corona"

A mom goes to the liquor store

I went to the liquor store to buy some specialty Spirits... it’s this distilled brandy that is spiced with cardamom....

Can you believe they carded me?

The clerk said he was required to always cardamom, no matter how old they look.

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

the owner looks up and says "Well, hello Sister Mary, how can I help you?"
The nun says "I need a fifth of liquor"
The owner reacts with surprise and asks "Why do you want liquor?"
Sister Mary replies "Oh, it's for medicinal purposes"
"Well, in that case" says the owner, and sell her wha...

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So a nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle...

...finest Irish Whiskey. The clerk says I thought nuns weren't allowed to drink. The nun replies its for father Thomas's constipation. Clerk sells her the whiskey. Couple hours later the clerk sees the nun staggering up the road three sheets to the wind. He accosts her and asks I thought you said it...

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Bruh— FUCK ratatouille. I put a rat in my hat and he made me rob a liquor store.

The cops do NOT believe me.

Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City

After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in.

Did you know liquor stores are the most haunted places in the country?

they're all full of spirits.

I work part time at a liquor store, and as a super-villain

They call me, *the menace to sobriety*

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy?”

“Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later tha...

Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store.

One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.

Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”

Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”

Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”

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Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

I found 100 bucks outside a liquor store

At first I thought I should just leave it hoping the owner would find it. Then I thought "What would Jesus do?". So I went into the store and turned it into wine.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

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A nun goes into a liquor store....

And asks for a fifth of brandy. The proprietor is nervous about selling alcohol to a nun. The Sister says, conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation..." Understanding, he nods and sells her the brandy.
That night, after closing the store he goes outside and sees the same nun tota...

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

(Note: for greatest comedic effect, all dialogue must be read in a bad Irish accent.)

A nun walks into a liquor store, selects a bottle of whiskey, and brings it to the counter. The store owner is shocked she would do such a thing. "Oh, Sister Mary," he says, "what are you doing?"

"It'...

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

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A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.

"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."

The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't...

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

Cause they would steal all the boos

Did you hear about the failed robbery on the liquor store?

They are still looking for the guy, apparently he got away scotch-free.

Why did Santa go to the liquor store?

He was looking for the holiday spirits.

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

I found fifty bucks inside a liquor store

They were just shopping for a stag party.

The liquor store ripped me off.

They said they had dry wines, but they were just as wet as the other ones!

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So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store...

...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, "I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."

'But sir!" she replied, "It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..." and she hands the store o...

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and

said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She

held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is!...

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A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

A Russian, an American, and a Mexican walk into a liquor store

The Russian buys a bottle of vodka, throws it into the air, shoots it, and says "We have plenty of those where I come from."
The Mexican buys a bottle of tequila, throws it into the air, shoots it, and says "We have plenty of those where I come from."
The American buys a six-pack of beer, ...

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A nun walks into a liquor store . . .

and asks for a bottle of whisky.

The owner is shocked. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."

The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper: "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

"Oh, wel...

Liquor store closed down and now a church moved into the building.

Seems like a different spirit around there!

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You Hear About What Happened At the Local Liquor Store?

**ME**: Police were investigating the liquor store down town for serving to minors. So they conducted an undercover operation where they sent in a 18 year old girl with a fake ID to buy some booze. The police waited outside while she went in. When the girl got in and showed her ID the manager came o...

Our preacher is the most tolerant, forgiving person I know...

When I run into him at the liquor store, he pretends he doesn't see me.

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There are three religious truths

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

A smart drunk

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 time...

A woman goes to a tattoo parlor to get her two favorite musicians on her inner thighs...

The tattoo artist finishes up and she is ELATED to see a picture-perfect tattoo of John Lennon on her left inner-thigh and Paul McCartney on her right.

As she walks out, she is so excited to share her new artwork that she goes up to the first person she sees; an old, homeless, wino sitting in...

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

A man calls his local liquor store

"When dO yoU open" the man asks in a drunken voice.
"We don't open until 9AM" the liquor store manager replies

A couple of hours later, the man calls the liquor store again.

"WhEn do YoU opEn?" he asks, now even more drunk, and almost shouting.

"As I told you earlier, we d...

Liquor

A buyer enters a liquor store.
- Half of "Sungurlarska"!
The seller pours half a liter of brandy from a can, takes out the label "Sungurlarska", sticks it on the bottle and hands it to the customer.
- Half of "Pomorie"!
The seller pours again from the can, takes out the label "Pomori...

Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.

Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

That does not work in a liquor store.

Where do you get quarters for laundry whem you in the hood?

The liquor store!

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

Difference between Catholic and Baptist

A Catholic will say Hi when they see you at the liquor store.

A man and his date are out on Valenhtines Day

They stop by a liquor store , he picks out 2 bottles of vodka and goes to pay for them. The cashier looks at them and asks "would you like a bag?" the man looks at his date then back at the cashier and replies "I think the vodka will work, but thanks."

You know what would really lift my spirits these days?

If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True story, and a disturbing one. Just want to make people aware of this.

Went to this liquor store after the gym today and the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted a free case of Guinness beer.

I said hell ya.

He said let me touch your dick for a little bit.

Fucking perverts are everywhere. You guys believe that shit.

Worst part was, t...

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball...

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Where did the oral sex addict go as soon as he got out of rehab?

The liquor store.

Wholesome and hopefully original

One day, a saddened middle aged man was walking out of a liquor store with 2 bottles of whiskey in each hand, carried by the neck of the bottles.

A younger man noticed the other man's expression and walked up to him, and without a word, placed his own hands underneath the bottles of whiskey ...

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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip...

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes...

I'm think my car needs an alignment

It keeps drifting towards the liquor store..

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I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thou...

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

My ex-boyfriend is a magician

While walking down the street, \*POOF\*, he turns into a liquor store.

My brother told me a trick on how to get a six pack in an hour.

You have to go to the liquor store

Me and my girlfriend had a party to go to last night..

My girlfriend and I had a party to go to last night, so we thought we'd nip to the shops to get some food to cook up and line our stomachs with.

So we got to the supermarket, collected all of our ingredients and what not, but then when we approached the checkouts there was a massive line, an...

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Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all...

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The Judge

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on a bench. He picks it up and runs through the first door he sees, which leads to the judge\`s chambers.

The judge says, "Hey kid, go across the street ...

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I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story. One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but...

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Constipation

A nun walks into liquor store and asks for a half whiskey. The shopkeeper looks at her inquisitively, she adds,

"It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

So the shopkeeper says, "OK."

She pays for the whiskey and leaves. Two hours later, the shopkeeper closes the store and walk...

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A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

After enquiring about the rent on a beautiful new apartment I was considering, I was informed...

...that, Sir, this is a liquor store.

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[NSFW] You're Passionate!

A hungover, toothless eskimo woman is hitchiking on the side of the road, when a guy in a pick-up pulls over and asks her where she needs to go. "I need go to the liquor s(h)tore."
"All right, I'll take you," the man replies, "but you have to give me head."
"Ok," the eskimo replies, pulling he...

A woman goes to the doctor with every complaint in the book...

The doctor examines her but finds nothing wrong. He takes out a note pad and writes down “Wine Eekkant”. “I recommend a drink and calm down,” says the doctor. She takes the paper and leaves all pouty.

On her way home she stops at the market. She searches and searches but can’t find this ...

Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!

That’s why the liquor stores do so well

Kids bring gifts to the teacher on the last day of school

The florist's son buys a nice bouquet, the confectioner's daughter gets a cake, and the son of the liquor store owner brings a big box, nicely wrapped.

The teacher lifts the box and sees that it's slightly leaking. She humorously tastes a drop and asks:

'Is it wine?'

'Nope,' ans...

My bank was worried

My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday

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Bartering with Beer

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wea...

It turns out the town drunk is an exorcist.

Since his last visit, there are no more spirits in the liquor store.

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Two bums are sharing a drink...

*A little background - in Russia it's kind of a cultural thing to drink in groups of three*

Two bums are sitting in an alley behind a liquor store and sharing a bottle of cheap vodka when a third bum comes up to them.

- "Hey guys, can I be the third?"
- "No, but you can be...

the fourth!

Remember - the liquor stores are closed tomorrow so buy your fifth for the fourth on the third right this second as your first priority!

A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,

and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.

The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said,...

What do Catholics and Baptists have in common?

Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.

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