UPJOKE
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Melted Jokes

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

I melted down 365 used condoms to make a spare tire.

It was a good year.

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

A few months ago I lost the retaining clip while replacing a shear pin on my snowblower. I found it today after the snow melted.

>!Welcome back, cotter!!<

Many years ago I knew a man who's love for God was matched only by his love of dipping meat into melted cheese.

That's right, he was a Christian fonduementalist.

I dropped an ice cube next to the freezer. It melted and got my sock wet the next time I went to the kitchen.

I was mad at first, but now it's mostly water under the fridge.

Did you hear about the prisoners who got melted together?

It was Con-fusing to say the least.

After six months of winter all the snow finally melted.

Noice

What do you call a melted piece of cheese nearby?

A hot single in your area

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Why was no one sad when the headless snowman melted?

He was a snowbody.

Ice Cube is 48 years old, but still hasn't melted. Do you know why?

Man's not hot.

I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone woke you up by throwing melted butter and flour on you...

It'd be a rouxed awakening.

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

Joke's on You

Say this out loud.



"HOOF HEARTED ICE MELTED"

The chemistry final exams

A chemistry student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did your finals go?" the bartender asks. "Not so hot," the student replies. "The instructor asked my class to write 1000 words on acid. Unfortunately, I was unable to complete it as my pen turned to a gorilla and the floor melted."

A Penguin takes his car to the shop

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to...

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter. There was a problem though – everything the princess touched would melt. It didn’t matter what it was made of: metal, wood, stone… anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

Al, Ben, and Carl were going on a trip to a ski resort. But there was only one room left at the resort, and it had only one bed.

Reluctantly, the three agreed to share the bed. Al slept on the left side of the bed, Ben slept on the right side, and Carl slept in the middle.

The next morning at breakfast, Al said, "You know, last night I had the loveliest dream. A gorgeous female ski instructor was giving me the best han...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan's Test

A rapist, thief, and murderer are standing in front of Satan as he sits on his throne.

"I've summoned you three here because I was feeling a bit kind today. I'll give each of you a chance to leave Hell. All you have to do is pass my test," Satan says. Of course, he designed his test such that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

Step-dad tells his step-son to clean his room

Step-son: Am I going to have to pour hot melted cheese all over myself?

Step-dad: Why would you have to do that?

Step-son: To remind you that I'm NACHO son

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

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