Lied Jokes - 34 Hilarious Lied Jokes

I lied about my age

A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

I once lied on my CV to get a job as a window cleaner

I thought I'd get fired but my boss couldn't see through it

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock.
“What’s that there for?” he asks.
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”

“Where is Don...

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

I've just accidentally let slip to the family that I lied about earning my biology degree.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

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My girlfriend did a lie detector test.

"According to the results," said the conductor, "your girlfriend has been unfaithful."

I paused for a moment, then said, "Just how reliable are these results?"

"Extremely," he replied. "She gave me a blowjob in the car park earlier."

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

I confronted my housekeeper after she lied about servicing my house.

I just wanted her to come clean.

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

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Interviewer asked me if I ever lied about my penis.

Interviewer: Have you ever lied regarding your penis.

Me: Yes, once while rubbing the tip through my pant leg someone asked me what I was doing… I lied and told them I was scratching my knee.

My wife lied about being vegan

She ate animal crackers.

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

Did you hear about the cat who lied about his age?

He was just kitten.

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An old married couple is lying in bed when...

the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and sa...

Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied...

1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).

2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).

Karen : I think.. (died)

I was raised to believe that girls never lied.

So when I was out with my best friend at the cinema, one of the female workers there said she knew how to get into the cinema for free, so I believed her. She took me to an empty cinema and started to lower the lights and started to remove her clothing. I was confused but I went along with it. The m...

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

Lying Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.A few days la...

I lied on my job application and ended up accidentally getting hired as a building inspector.

I keep getting my wires crossed, but I'm doing asbestos I can.

Pinocchio lied while going down on her.

She was taken aback.

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A couple are lied in bed after making love,

the man turns to his wife and says “baby, how come you never tell me when you orgasm?”
his wife replies “darling, you know I don’t like to call you when you’re at work”.

A man lied about his medical condition.

When he went to the x-ray operator, he was told that nothing is wrong with him.

Later that day someone asked him,"how did you know?"

The operator replied,"I could see right through him."

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