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Lbs Jokes

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

Lose 20 Lbs. Guaranteed!

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.

A month later, he returns and n...

Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

Post Malone lost 60 lbs by cutting out pop.

I wonder what kind of music he'll make now.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

To which I say, “Stop eating cameras.”

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury

No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

I lost 189 lbs in one week.

By getting a divorce.

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

Lost 160 lbs recently...

Finally signed the divorce papers

Yo mamma so fat

That her pronouns are kg/lbs

"I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year....

only 13 lbs. to go!"

How do you make a few lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why hasn't America changed from lbs to kgs?

Because there would be mass confusion.

I recently lost 70 lbs.

Don't worry though, I found it at McDonald's.

My wife and I lost 100 lbs combined.

She lost 120 lbs.

What’s 2000 lbs to a dead man?

A Skele-ton

Happy Halloween everyone!

The most patient man in the world is 500 lbs!

That's a lot of wait!

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[NSFW] I just learned that to proportionally be hung like a horse, a 200 lbs man would need roughly a 4-inch dick.

So that means I only need to lose about 30 lbs and grow another inch, inch-and-a-half...

How did Mary know that Jesus weighed 7 lbs 6 oz?

Because there was a weigh in the manger.

Breaking news KIM JONG UN just lost 50 lbs

He is now addressed as Slim Jong Un

I lost 200 lbs over the Summer.

"Wow! What's your secret?"

Divorce.

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.

Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.

My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer

I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

I know how to lose over 20 lbs instantly

but it costs an arm and a leg

What’s the fastest way to lose 130 lbs of dead weight?

Divorce

A bodybuilder and a blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite,...

I lost 10 lbs a week!! My secret???

Turns out I'm diabetic...

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I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

My 5 year old daughter was a preemie, she was born 6 weeks early, and was 3 lbs even when she was born.

A couple days later, my fiance said that she is definitely my daughter, I asked her why she said that, and she responded with, cause she came early.

My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs.

Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself...

I heard that for his role in the Baywatch movie Dwayne Johnson dropped down to 238 lbs from 260 lbs so he could look more ripped than 'big'.

I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

What do you call a person who is 6’ 10” tall, 300 lbs and goes both ways?

Bi and large

I got rid of 300 unnecessary lbs after 6 months.

The divorce papers are finalized today.

My wife and I started dieting together and we have a combined weight loss of 60 Lbs!

My wife is down 80 Lbs.

I lost the 120 lbs that were weighing me down really fast with one simple trick

Divorce.

What do a man who lives in a watch tower by the sea and a 85 lbs hotel maid have in common?

They’re both light house keepers.

I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs

If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!

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Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

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My wife and I started a new high fiber diet.

After the 2nd day she asked me how much I lost and I told her 8 lbs.

"You're full of shit!"

"No, thats why I lost 8 lbs."

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

Client: I want a cup of tea, please.

Waiter: 2 teaspoons of sugar ?

Client: No, I want 5. Is it the same price ?

Waiter: Yes, sugar is free.

Client: OK, don't bring the tea, I want 2 lbs sugar.

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

Why are Republicans overweight?

So they can own the lbs.

I ordered 2205lbs of Chinese food the other day...

It was Wonton

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

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The effects of marriage on sex.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

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A boy starts his first day working at walmart

A boy starts his first day at walmart.
His trainer says to him " I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd"
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says " can I help you mam?"
Lady goes "Ya I'm looking for some garden hose."
T...

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

The Pope’s Christmas Mass

175 lbs

The Pope’s Post-Christmas Mass: 186 lbs

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4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

A sailor walks into a bar

A sailor walks into a bar takes his seat and starts drinking. He leans over to the guy next to him and says "Hey buddy, you want to hear a marine joke?" The guy says "Before you say the joke let me tell you this: I'm 6'0 190 lbs and I'm a marine, my friend is 6'2 210 lbs and is also a marine, the th...

Anyone available??

I'M ASKING FOR A FRIEND............... A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl, 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone t...

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today.

To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

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A man has been getting progressively fatter and decides he needs to change.

He sees an advertisement that claims it'll help you lose 6 lbs in 3 days. With nothing to lose except 6 lbs he calls up the company and says hell give it a try. When he wakes up the next morning he hears a knock on the door and opens it to discover a topless brunette standing there. Smiling cheekish...

A guy and girl go back to her place to hook up. As he goes to drop his pants, he tells her, "I just wanna let you know I'm hung like a baby...". To which she starts to quickly reply, "It's ok, I've been with someone sma....", and she stops abruptly as he drops his pants.

"What the hell?!", she said.

He said, "I tried to tell you, I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs, 19 inches!"

300 lb man decides to lose weight one day.

A 300 lb man decides he is tired of being so fat and wants to lose weight. So he gets on the Internet and finds a program that claims you can lose 10lbs in 2 weeks or your money back.

So he orders the program, and the very next day there is a knock on his door. He opens it up and there is a ...

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You're not depressed...

I was at the beach and noticed a younger guy who was moping and looking sad. To make matters worse the guy was scrawny and couldn't have weighed more than a 100 lbs.

I walked up to the guy and said "hey buddy what's wrong? It's a beautiful day at the beach and there's nothing but gorgeous...

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Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!

Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mas...

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Everything is big in Texas

A guy walks into bar in Texas and orders a burger. The damn thing is almost 3 lbs with all the fixings.

He asks the bartender " this is the burger you offer?!?!"

Bartender says "yeah man everything is big in Texas"

He is in awe and can't help but wonder what a beer looks like i...

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo

One is a 3000 lbs mammal.

The other is a little lighter.

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Like a baby

A newlywed couple who have decided to wait until marriage, are getting undressed together for the first time. Before they get started, the man says, "I don't want you to be surprised - my dick... It's like a baby". The woman's face turns serious for a second as she thinks about it, and then she smil...

A doctor while talking to his patient

Doctor: good news and bad news

Patient : good news first

Doctor: you will lose 50 lbs

Patient : what is bad news then?

Doctor: 50lbs worth of legs.

The only thing worse than the freshman 15...

...Is the freshman 9 lbs., 3 oz.

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

What's the difference between a spitter and a swallower?

10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.

True story

Not sure where to post this.


About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.


A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about ...

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A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no...

I reeled in a 6 foot 1 inch catfish

That weighed 280 lbs on Tinder

Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)

- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."

- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and ca...

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A blind man walks into a biker bar andvorders a beer

While supping on his beverage, he asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid, in a rather gruff tone says
"Listen here sir, because of your disability, i will warn you now, im 6'2", weigh 300 LBS and lift weights in my free time. Im also blonde, the young ...

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