This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg

Thats a ton of bullshit !

### Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

### What do you call a computer executable that changes all units from kg to g?

Program.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### In a Store in US a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing right ...

### How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

### How do you make your grandma lose 2 kg ?

You empty the urn

EDIT : yeeeeess

### A 50 kg woman , 50 kg of feather , and 50 kg of steel ,which one is heavier?

The woman

Because girls lie about their weight

### Why hasn't America changed from lbs to kgs?

Because there would be mass confusion.

### On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears,

I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go

### Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role...

...and then you remember you are not an actor?

Just 13kg to go

It was won ton.

### A doctor is weighing kids in Ethiopia.

"40 kg, pretty good, send the next class"

### A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana...

And hands it over to the bank teller.

Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"

The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."

### I'm happier and healthier now that I've lost 180 pounds (81.6 kg) of ugly fat!

Thanks Divorce^TM !

### Man looked his naked body in the mirror says to wife-look 75 kg of pure dynamite

Wife says: but shame on the 5 cm fuse

### A doctor helped me lose 20 kg in a few hours but it was really expensive

Cost me an arm and a leg.

### I started a honey and lemon diet.

In the span of five months, I've lost 5 kg of lemon and 2 litres of honey.

Who is there?

KGB

KG (slap person)

### A guy was asked this question.

Host: YOU & YOUR FAMILY ARE CARRYING 50 KG OF GOLD FROM DUBAI IN A BOAT. IMBALANCED DUE TO EXCESS WEIGHT YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF THE WEIGHT TO BALANCE IT

AFTER 50 MILES, THE BOAT SUDDENLY GETS

THERE ARE 4 PEOPLE..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Splashed out and finally got a microwave oven. Its one of the really high tech ones.

Its got buttons and settings for all kinds of foods, even popcorn. Its got multiple power settings and a memory.

So I got a whole frozen chicken and popped it in. Pressed "Defrost", then "Chicken" then, "1.8 kgs".

The display showed 15 minutes and I pressed "Start".

Then the mi...

### I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Fuck and Weight loss

A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper.....
"Lose 5kg in a week."

He called the company & lady said..
The next morning he opened the door &
found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying "u catch me, u fuck me!" & the girl started run...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

### A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Why do hippos have sex in the water?

Try to wet a 200 kg pussy

### Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

### A short survey

When the quarantine ends you will:

A) gain 20 kg

B) become pregnant

C) become an alcoholic

### An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

### An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

### Did you know that Germans eat more bananas than apes?

Last year it was about 20 kg bananas. But not one ape.

### My wife wanted something that would go 0-100 very fast for her birthday

So i gave her a scale

(0-100 in kg's)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### #nsfw A new gym opens in town

A guy decides to try it, he enters and sees a sign : " lose 5 kg for 20€ or 10 kg for 40€" . He chose to try to lose 5kg, after paying they put him a big dark room and closed the door then the light turned on and he found a hot woman looking at him and said:
"if you catch me you can fuck me"...

### Everybody is giving up on their New Years resolutions, but I have upped mine!

Only 13 kg to go now

### Black Sheeps, White Sheeps

A city guy goes hiking and comes across an old shepherd pasturing his flock. The guy is alone so he decides to have a little chat with the shepherd while having a rest. Word by word, their chat gets to sheep.

Guy: How much milk do sheeps give per day?

Shepherd: The white ones or the bl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### So this overweight guy wants to lose a few kilos

He's watching TV one day and sees an ad for weight loss: Lose weight fast & cheap! Deciding he'll give it a go, he rings the number.

The lady on the other end asks him how much weight he wants to lose.
"I want to lose 5 kg" the man replies.
"Okay, just give me your credit card numbe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A fat man wanted to lose some weight

So he goes to the fitness and asks what he can do to lose weight fast.

The clerck tells him about a very effective program and the prices:

* Lose 10 kg for \$100
* Lose 20 kg for \$200
* Lose 30 kg for \$300

The man wasn't sure it will work so he bought the cheapest one. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Facts

It takes seven seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold three Kg. The length of a man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink two times as much as men. A woman has rea...