UPJOKE

Lying In Jokes

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.


The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." 


Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age." 


The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." 


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" 


"Tiger Woods." 


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" 
...

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...

Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

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A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

A man’s wife was lying in bed crying.

Her husband walks in and asks “what’s wrong?”

“I had a dream where a prince took me from you” she replies.

The husband says “Oh my dear, relax it was just a dream.”

To which the wife retorts “that’s why I’m crying!”

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

Matt.

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An old married couple is lying in bed when...

the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and sa...

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Two farm-hands are lying in their bunk house.

One asks the other "Hey Jimbo, what time is it?"

Jimbo responds, "Well here, let me check." And he pulls out a bugle, and gives it a toot.

From his house, the owner of the farm shouts: "The hell are you playing a bugle for at two in the morning?!"

"Well." Jimbo says, "it's two ...

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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend

After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls because it was something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because' she replied 'I really miss mine'

A woman is lying in bed with her lover

"You should leave, my husband can come back home any minute now."
"Don't worry, whenever we hear the doorbell ring I will jump out of the window."
"Are you crazy? It's 11th floor."
"Everything is arranged. I asked my friends to stretch out and hold a big canvas for me to jump on." ...

Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."



[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']

A man is very ill and lying in a hospital bed

The hospital calls the family to the ward

The Father calls his eldest son Rob and says “you know the houses I have in Chiswick, 20 of them are yours.”

The son replies, “thank you so much, Father.”

The Father then calls his youngest son Harry and says. “You know the houses I have...

An older couple is lying in bed.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in be...

Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.

It was bread in captivity.

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An old man and woman are lying in bed together

The old man gets horny and decides to wake up his wife
He says “ If you wanna have sex with me shake my dick one time, if you don’t wanna have sex with me then shake it a hundred times”

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, “Well, I guess we answered THAT question!”

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed.

The Chicken was smoking a cigarette, a satisfied smile on its beak.

The Egg was pouting and looking very frustrated.

Finally, the Egg got up to go to the bathroom. Just before closing the door, it turned around and said to the Chicken:

“Well, I guess we settled THAT questio...

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Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking

*Where the fuck is my roof?*

Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed

The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says “big storm’s a brewin”. The wife Unicorn then replies, “ well then I’m glad we didn’t go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!”

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Husband and Wife, lying in bed just after a wonderful night of sex.

Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed.?

Husband: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth.

Wife: What trick.?

Husband: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep...

A San Francisco cop sees a well dressed man lying in the street by the curb...

... He asked the man "What happened to you?"

The man replied "My wife and I were walking down the street and found a parking space. She went to buy a car while I hold the space."

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

A married couple are lying in bed on the night of their anniversary...

The man asks her "Honey? There's something I've always wanted to ask you. How many men have you been with?"

"Oh darling." she says. "You don't want to know that. I know you too well. You'd get all jealous and angry with me."

He insists he won't. After a few minutes of back and forth s...

An fat old man lying in bed calls in the nurse...

A polite woman rushes in to the aid of the obese man who has been placed on a strict diet.

"I'm pregnant!" he declares. "With an elephant!"

The old man start rubbing his bloated belly in large circles.

"How interesting... Elephants are pregnant for 2 years you know" says the nur...

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A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”

Burt and Molly who were in their 70's were lying in bed one night.

Burt was falling asleep but Molly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily Burt reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly ir...

A couple from Alabama is lying in bed together.

Suddenly, without thinking, the woman says, "You are much better in bed than our son!"

The man stops and stares at the woman. "I, uh, take it back!" she stammers.

"Don't worry," says the man. "Our daughter said that too!"

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...

My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.

I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."

She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

An old couple was lying in bed.

The husband let out a resounding fart and said, "Touchdown. Seven points.".

Immediately his wife ripped her own and went, "Touchdown. 7-7!"

The husband responded with another colder and said, "14-7 my game."

Just then the wife came back with another fart and declared, "14-14. I'...

What do you call someone that doesn't like lying in bed?

A liar.

An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to Fr...

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Paul was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in Pattaya

After having great sex, she spent the next hour playing with Paul's balls - rubbing, stroking and cupping them.



Eventually Paul asks "Why do you like doing that so much?"



"Because I really miss mine."

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A different couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The wife says, "what did you think the first time you saw me naked?"

The husband answers, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out."

The wife strips naked. "What do you think now?"

"It looks like I did a damn good job."

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

I was found not guilty of lying in court.

That’s per the judge not perjury.

I wonder who’s lying in the grave

Of the guy who invented the old switcheroo.

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An old couple were lying in bed...

...getting ready to go to sleep. All of a sudden the man lets out a huge fart, and says "I'm winning!"

His wife says "what are you talking about?" He tells her, "It's a game. Fart football. I just scored a touchdown. I'm winning!"

Not to be outdone, the lady lets out a cheek-ripper her...

I was lying in my bed, staring at the stars.

I wondered, “Where the frick is my ceiling?”

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Two behavioral psychologists were lying in bed after sex

One says the other, "So it was good for you, was it good for me?"

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An elderly couple are lying in bed on the night before Thanksgiving...

....and, as per usual, the husband lets out a huge fart. The wife says to him, as she always does, "Hunny, one of these nights you're going to fart your innards out." A few minutes later the husband falls asleep but, due to his constant farting, the wife cannot. She tosses and turns and ends up gett...

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A couple are lying in bed when the husband starts trying to initiate sex.

His wife shuts him down. When he keeps trying, she tells him "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow, and I hate having sex the night before I go there."

"Oh" says the husband and rolls back onto his side of the bed. After a few minutes, he says

"Well you don't have a denti...

I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself:

'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'

A husband and wife are lying in bed together.

A husband and wife are lying in bed together.
The wife ask the husband.
“While we are making love, do you ever think about other women?”
“Maybe.” He says
“What do you mean maybe?”
Does you when you were younger count?

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A couple where lying in bed when the doorbell goes

The wife says I'll get that she gets up (naked of coarse that's the best way to sleep) puts on her dressing gown and goes to the answer the door. She opens the door to the neighbor Dave standing there staring at her. Without hesitation Dave says "I'll give you 300 dollars cash if you drop that dress...

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A man lying in bed didnt know if he had to poop or pass gas

So he took a shart in the dark

A man and wife are lying in bed...

The man says "hey honey, do you want to make love?"

She says "normally I would, but I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning, and that seems like it would be gross."

The man says "I understand" and rolls over.

After a few moments, the man rolls back over and ask...

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Man is lying in bed with his wife when suddenly someone yells from outside: "Look, he's fucking your wife!"

He quickly turns around in bed only to see her sleeping by his side, and really deep at it. He chooses to ignore it and goes on to sleep.
Just as he was taking asleep, the same voice yells again: "Look, he's really fucking your wife!"

Again, he turns but she's still sleeping, nothing looks...

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

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An old farming couple are lying in bed.

An old married couple who own a farm are lying in bed one night.

The old man starts playing with his wife's breasts and says, "Just think, honey. If you had any milk in these we could get rid of the cows."

Soon he works his way to her downstairs and starts touching her and says, "Just ...

A couple are lying in bed one night

when the husband turns to his wife and begins to kiss her and stroke her skin. "Oh honey I can't tonight," the wife apologizes "I have a gynocologist appointment tomorrow." The man turns over a sulks for awhile. Suddenly the man turns over and asks "Honey you don't happen to have a dentist appoint...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed...

The chicken's got a big, satisfied grin on his face, and he's lying there smoking a cigarette. The egg, on the other hand, doesn't look so happy. Her little brow is furrowed and she has a frustrated frown. She looks at the chicken and grumbles, "Well, I guess we answered that question!"

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A woman is lying in bed and the husband brings a pig into the bedroom

Husband: "This is the pig I have to fuck when you've a 'headache'!"

Wife: "This is disgusting, take that thing out of our bedroom!"

"Husband: "I wasn't talking to you".

What is the difference between a dead dog and lawyer lying in the road?

The dog has skid marks leading up to it.

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I was lying in bed yesterday...

I looked up and saw the beautiful night sky, the moon, and the stars. Then I wondered...

Where the fuck is my roof?

Two corpses are lying in a grave and one turns to the other and says,”Dude, why are you rotting?”

The other turns to him and says, “I decay.”

A man is lying in bed with his wife. His wife turns and says...

...hey if you can’t be honest I’m getting up.

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An old Jew is lying in the hospital, slowly drifting towards the inevitable end...

He feels himself getting weaker and weaker, and summons a nurse.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Schwartz?”

“I want you get me a priest!”

“Uhh... yes, you mean a rabbi?”

“No! A priest! Get me a Catholic priest!”

The nurse goes off and finds the hospital priest, who co...

A guy and a girl are lying in bed after a hookup.

"Listen," the guy says, "do you have that certificate that says you don't have STDs?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Well you can throw that away"

A married couple is lying in bed. (SFW)

The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

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A blonde was lying in the grass...

One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.

"Getting a tan?" he asks.

"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now ...

A married couple is lying in bed at midnight....

...she's half asleep, the husband is reading the newspaper, when the phone rings. The husband picks it up.

"Hello? No, sorry, I think you've got the wrong number.... no, I think you meant to call the local Coast Guard station... yup, that's right... no, I couldn't tell you the number, I don'...

You are lying in the hospital thinking that you have got a small fever.

Then the full crew of Avengers comes to visit you.

In the future, a millennial and his wife are lying in bed

The wife turns to the husband and says, "remember life before self-driving cars?"

The husband replies, "Yes, those days were quite the struggle. So glad we evolved past driving cars."

The wife says, "remember life before smartphones?"

The husband replies, "I sure do. What ...

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