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Raffle Jokes

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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. M...

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

I saw a raffle at a graveyard...

i knew something was wrong there, it was a dead giveaway...

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

My dad won a baguette in the raffle

He was our family's breadwinner

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When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me becau...

I entered a raffle to win a galaxy, but I only won a small group of stars.

It was the constellation prize.

Country Club Raffle

Every evening an older gentlemen would venture down to the local country club. This club had a large room in which there were several comfortable chairs, as well as a billiards table. The gentleman would enter the club, buy a cheap drink, sit in the same chair and read from his newspaper.

The...

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A Newfie wins a fishing boat at a legion raffle...

His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do wit dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."...

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to vis...

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and ...

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The local synagogue is having their annual raffle...

A man walks to the stage and begins to announce the winners.

"4th prize goes to Moshe Goldstein, who wins a Rolls Royce!" There is huge applause. Moshe goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.

"3rd prize, which goes to Shmuel Cohen, is a Rolls Royce and a check for $10,000!" Agai...

today i won a raffle.

received a life supply of marmite, one whole jar.

What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets?

You won two, three for five six nations tickets

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

I won the meat raffle in the bar.

Wasn't the answer my kids were expecting when they asked how I met their mother.

Just bought a raffle ticket, top prize a Mediterranean cruise.

Last week's was a rollover

One time I won a raffle in England, turns out it was for knighthood.

Boy was I Sir prized

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A guy came up to me in the street today...

...and asked me if I wanted to enter a raffle for cancer?

I thought, "what a shit prize..."

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms.

"Where did you get that disgusting creature?" exclaimed the barman.

To which the pig replied "I won him in a raffle".

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There's a young farmer who really likes tractors... (Shaggy dog story)

One day when ploughing the fields he sees a notice pinned to a tree just outside his land. It read:
*The infamous travelling tractortent has arrived in town! Hundreds of tractors all inside one massive tent! Raffle for a chance to drive a shiny top-of-the-range tractor!*
He didn't have an...

I used to think my wife was one in a million

Now i think she was won in a raffle.

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I'm organising an charity...

...event in my town next weekend , we're gonna be in the Community Centre from 1 - 5 pm. There's gonna be a raffle & guest speaker & all the proceeds are in the name of erectile/ ejaculation dysfunction syndrome.


So please let me know if you cant come.

A guy goes to the doctors.

A guy goes to the doctors complaining of feeling generally unwell. The Doctor examines him, then looks at him and says, 'Well, Mr Jones, it looks like you have Yellow 24'. 'What's that? ' asks Mr Jones, and the doctor explains 'Sadly its not a good prognosis. First you start feeling unwell, as you h...

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A white man, a black man, and an asian man walk into a bar

A white man, a black man, and an asian walk into a bar, all with a parrot on their shoulder. The white man looks at the asian man, nods at the parrot and says “where’d you get yours?” The man says “it was my grandmothers, when she passed away nobody else wanted to take care of it so I took it. What ...

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Every year at the state fair...

... Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you...

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Yellow 24

A man goes to the doctor feeling ill. After checking the man over the doctor looks worried ‘ I don’t know how to break this to you, but you have a terminal disease known as yellow 24. Your blood will turn yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. I suggest you go and spend time with your loved ones...

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The Smiths move to a small town called Kwisition...

They're a white family, and all of their neighbors belong to various ethnic backgrounds. African-Americans (the Jacksons), Arabs (the Husseins), Italians (the Capitanis), Japanese (the Takedas), Spanish (the Garcias), Brazilian (the Silveiras), and many others.

The closest neighbors to the Sm...

A man was at a boxing convention ...

He walked around for a while and managed to see some screenings of his favourite boxing matches of history. He also managed to win a new pair of gloves in a raffle. However, he still couldn't find what he was looking for, the one thing he had been waiting for all this time. After hours of searchi...

In hopes to try to get some free advertising a Department store holds an event for Single ladies that want to meet that "it" guy

On the main floor 1000's of ladies stand in line for their chance to meet single guys, the atmosphere is electric! Groups of ladies stand in line some laughing giddily amongst themselves with an excited look on their face. Peggy sue holds a small raffle ticket in hand that reads she is contestant 70...

An old lady in a nursing home...

Was going up and down the corridor on her zimmer frame when an elderly retired policeman jumps out in front of her.

"You were speeding just then madam," he says "could I have your driver's license?" She hands over her library card which he studies carefully, and hands it back to her with a ra...

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