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Limerick Jokes

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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

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A couple Limericks...

There once was a man from Ireland
With balls made of fine brass
In stormy weather
They clanked together
And sparks shot out of his ass

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who was jerking off in a gutter
The tropical heat
Affected his meat
S...

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A limerick about vaginas I wrote five years ago

There once was a gal from Cancun,

Who had a most curious poon.

T'was coarse like a thistle,

But tight as a whistle,

And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many.

What's your best limerick?

There once was a fellow McSweeny

Who spilled some gin on his weenie

Just to be couth

He added vermouth

Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

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Crude Limerick I heard on a stream once

There once was a man named Keith,

Who gave circumcisions with his teeth.

It wasn’t for leisure,

Or sexual pleasure,

But to get to the cheese underneath.

My favorite music-related limerick

A tutor who taught on the flute,

tried to teach two young tooters to toot.

Said the two to the tutor,

"Is it harder to toot or,

to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Limerick

There was a young girl named Sapphire


Who succumbed to her lover's desire.


She said, "It's a sin,


But now that it's in,



Could you shove it a few inches higher?

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A limerick for Guildford in Surrey

At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey
I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry
I had to act quick
To cool down my dick
So I stuck it into my McFlurry

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Another hooker from Crewe limerick

There was a young hooker from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in -
they can pay to get out again too".

I'm here all week.

So you like limericks, huh?

On the Breast of a woman named Gale

was tattooed the price of her tail

and on her behind

for the sake of the blind

was the same information in braile.

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Limerick Time: Alice

There once was a woman named Alice,
Who used a TNT stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina,
And her titties in Phoenix and Dallas.

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Limerick, with credit to my favorite Drag Queen, Lily White

There once was a man from Nantucket

He saw a pig and wanted to fuck it

The pig said "I'm queer

but not from the rear,"

"come around to the front and I'll suck it."

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There once was a man from Kent

whose dick was so long that it bent.

So to save him some trouble,

he tucked it in double,

and so instead of coming, he went.



Do limericks count as jokes?

It's time for dirty limericks!

There once was a lady from Decatur
Who got laid by a large alligator.
But nobody knew
The result of that screw
Because after he laid her, he ate her.

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

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A limerick about limericks

There was a young poet from Japan

Whose limericks did not easily scan

When asked why this was,

He said, "It's because

IAlwaysTryToFitAsManySyllablesInTheLastLineAsEverIPossibly can."

A limerick from Cape Horn

There once was a man from Cape Horn,


who wished he never was born.


And he wouldn't have been


if his father had seen


that the top of the rubber was torn.

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Meta-limerick

From [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meta-joke#Joke_template)

There once was an X from place B,
Who satisfied predicate P,
The X did thing A,
In a specified way,
Resulting in circumstance C.

Since we’re doing limericks

There once was a woman from Arden

Who was blowing her man in her garden

He said “my dear Flo,

Where does it all go?

She said *gulp* “I beg your pardon?

Said the nun as the bishop withdrew (xpost /r/limericks)

Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"Not bad for a bishop, it's true,
but the prick of the vicar
is slicker and thicker
and two inches longer than you."

A limerick, There once was a bishop from kings...

There once was a bishop from Kings,

Who talked about god and such things,

But his real desire,

was a boy in the choir,

with a bottom like jello on springs.

There once was a man from Limerick

There once was a man from Limerick, who had no idea of the short, often humerus, jokes about his home town.

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Bring on the Limericks!

Belinda, a charming young lass

Had a most magnificent ass.

Twasn't rounded and pink,

As you probably think,

It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

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Limericks

Pretend that America's pastime is limericks instead of baseball. So two men, Earl P. Erickson, a Harvard graduate and valedictorian, and Billy Steaz, who dropped out of highschool as a senior. These bright men were in a competition for limericks. They had been in a even field for two days, neither b...

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Limericks eh?

There once was a student named Clouse

Who proclaimed to the boys of his house

I will take a firm stand

That a tit in the hand

Is much better than two in the blouse

Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick?

One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

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Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

________________________



(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cide...

A clean Nantucket limerick

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who kept all his cash in a bucket

His daughter, named Nan,

Ran away with a man

And as for the bucket, Nan tuck it

A Limerick

There once was a man from the Styx

Who liked to write Limericks

But he failed at the sport

Because he wrote them too short

A limerick writ for a Twit

An executive reckless and bitter

Made a fool of himself via Twitter

*"Please stop!"* they entreated

But in answer he Tweeted

*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*

A Limerick (OC)

A man was once offended

By a pun writing contest he entered

He submitted ten

Sure that one would win

But alas no pun in ten did

“What is the limerick writer’s favourite pop group?”

AABBA

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How do Limericks do here...

There was a Scotsman named McFee,
who got stung on his balls by a bee,
he made tonnes of money,
by producing lots of honey,
every time he went for a pee

A Limerick

The problem with limericks, my friend;

Is that I can't make it work at the end;

I have a good start;

And get to this part;

But then I'm like "To Hell with this, I don't wanna do this anymore" and the whole thing ends in tragedy

A Halloween Limerick

A lady vampire named Mable

Had a period that was awfully stable.

So once a full moon

She took out her spoon

And drank herself under the table.

A Limerick

There once was a barmaid in Salles,
On her chest wrote the price of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

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Limerick

There was this baker from South Carolina

Who stuck an eggbeater in her vagina

The cakes she would glaze

In an orgasmic haze

And her screams they would rattle the china

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Fresh Limerick

There once was a lad from West Philly

Who played basketball and got silly

He fought with some brothers

Which worried his mother

Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

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A limerick for Grangemouth, Falkirk, Scotland

In Grangemouth there's an oil refinery
A port, a canal and a winery
An to thrill you to bits
All the girls have 10 tits
That is if you count them in binary

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

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Another off color limerick

A sperm, alack and forsooth

Was at it's moment of sexual truth

It had hoped to fall

On the womb's spongy wall

But was dashed to it's death on a tooth!

limerick

there was a young lady from clyde

who ate a bad apple & died.

the apple fermented,

inside the lamented,

making cider inside her insides!

In limerick's a neat way to write...

In limerick's a neat way to write.


One can enjoy it most all day and night.


It's easy and fun,


a few lines and you're done.


I hope I can learn how to write one some day.

Here's a limerick I wrote:

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

Vampire limerick

A tad less obvious than most.........

There was a young vampire called Mable,
who's periods were very stable.
Every full moon she would get out a spoon ,
and drink herself under the table.

There once was a man

From Cork who got limericks\
And haikus confused

A programming genius named Sewter

Built a limerick-writing computer

The metre was fine

And the rhymes quite divine

But for some reason it always got the last line wrong

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What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus?

One will give you a limerick

The other will give your rim a lick.

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2017 Limerick: There once was a man from Nantucket

Who after several credible accusations of sexual harassment was forced to resign from his position of political power

There once was a driver named Hunt. [Limerick]

There once was a driver named Hunt,

who was given an engine to shunt.

Saw an oncoming truck,

and by yelling out 'duck!',

saved the life of the fellow in front.



[Great at parties, because they expect the filth.]

There once was a man from Peru,

Whose limericks stopped at line two.

There once was a poet named Stan...

...whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He'd reply, "yes, I know,
But you see, the thing is, I seem to have gone and gotten myself into this really rather ridiculous habit recently of always trying to cram as many completely unnecessary additional syllables into th...

A limerick i wrote

One day i was feeling quite randy,

So i went for the thing i had handy.

The thing was, though, man,

A windowless van

That said "come N heer 4 free candy."

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Don't hear many Limerick jokes any more. So I wrote one.

There was a man named Johnathan Hicks,

who liked to write limericks.

But his Poems were crude,

and many lewd,

so his balls were often kicked.

I courted the young Miss Mahoney

I courted the young Miss Mahoney

I was hoping she'd mount my baloney

But when I checked her crack

I was taken aback

She was riding the red cotton pony


Hope you all don't mind a limerick. The limerick subreddit is pretty dead.

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Man from Nantucket

There once was a man from Nantucket

Was writing a Limerick but said, "Fuck it."

A limerick that I heard years ago

Poor Johnny used to drink
But alas, he drinks no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

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A monk is sent up to the bishops office...

he asks the monk to take a seat.
-Now, i´ve heard you participated in a competition.
-Yes father, that is true.
-And i heard, this was a competition in the art of writing limericks.
-Yes father, that is true.
-And i heard, that the one that would write the dirtiest, filthie...

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There was a young man from Japan

Whose limericks would never quite scan.

When told this was so,

He said, "Yes, I know...

It's because I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can."

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

Jokes

1. Something said in the pursuit of laughter.

2. A short tale with an end worth laughs after.

3. A noun you expect

commands no respect.

Root word "jocus". This limerick: disaster.

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Limericks eh ?

There was this girl from Boston, Mass.
She wade into the sea and wet her ankles,
it doesn't rhyme now,
but just wait until the tide comes in

There once was a poet named Bates

There once was a poet named Bates

Whose limericks were never that great

His first lines weren't bad

But the problem he had

Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end

A Priest and a Rabbi.

A limerick for ya...

 

_A prep school had come into view..._
_"Yo Rabbi," a Priest said, "woo-hoo!_
_Let's lure them with toys,_
_And then screw little boys"._
_"Out of what?" - the response of the Jew_

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How bout a limerick?

There once were two girls from Birmingham.

I know a story concerning 'em.

They lifted the frock

And diddled the cock

Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.



But the bishop was nobody's fool.

He gone to a fine public school.

He lowered his brit...

There once was a young mechanic named Eric, who got a job on an off-shore oil derrick . . .

He wasn't about to be party to a limerick, so he devoted himself to doing the best job he could to assist with the maintenance of all the machinery. He looked after the power generators, the pumps, the hydraulic systems and even did a little work on the electric systems.

One day, Eric was wo...

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