I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

Did you ever have an imaginary friend? Why yes, I did! Really? What was his name?

Dad.

My imaginary girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She told me she wanted me to start seeing other people.

Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"

Dad: " You know you can do better."

Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."

Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.

They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends.

Everyone has imaginary friends during their childhood.

My grandmother, although very old, still has one.
She calls him Jesus.

The difference between cold and hot is imaginary

chill and chilli

Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda.

Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.

What do you call adults with imaginary friends?

Religious

I used to have an imaginary friend.

Then I quit going to church.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

What do you call an imaginary German Shepard?

K-nein

A man working on an imaginary high voltage transformer was found dead in his home.

He had apparently received a fatal shock from the fictitious device.

Investigators who later examined it concluded that this was because it was not grounded in reality.

my boyfriend is like the square root of -100

a solid 10 but completely imaginary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beware of Thai girls claiming that the penis was only imaginary.

The length is always real.

My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.

Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Y’know, imaginary numbers are all fun and games...

... until someone loses an i

Then shit gets real.

Imaginary Friend:

A little boy got told off by his Mum for having an imaginary friend.

His mum then said get your coat, Little boy asks, why where are we going? Church replies Mum.

Plotting a graph of my past relationships is a little "complex"

Plotting a graph of my past relationships is a little "complex". It has imaginary "ax-es".

A strong boxer

has a foam board to practice on.
He punches it 10,15,20 times in a row, so hard that each punch makes a crater in the foam.
After he finishes practice, he turns to an imaginary audience, shows them the board, and tells them




"here's the punchline"

Harry potter refuses to acknowledge he is imaginary

He is in daniel.

A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

I think my German buddy has an imaginary friend

He keeps asking me if I "See Kyle"

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight

So I’ve made up a bed for him

My imaginary girlfriend broke up with me last week.

She said: "Things are getting too REAL."

My friend wanted to know what an imaginary number is

I said “think of a number between 1 and 10”.

My imaginary girlfriend broke up with me.

Still no idea how she found out about my wife.

I always hang out with my imaginary friend.

People used to think I'm crazy talking to myself in public.

But everything is fine now; I wear airpods.

Me and my imaginary alphabet friends took a group photo together

When I looked at the picture only I was in it

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

I've been spending the vast majority of my time completely alone over the last 4 months...

I don't think I'm going crazy, but my imaginary friend tells me I may have a drinking problem.

Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.

What do you say to gigantic imaginary rhinoceroses?

It doesn't matter, they're largely irrelephant.

What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I learned about imaginary numbers in college, I was really excited.

Finally I could plot my sex life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

Two human can multiply to produce more humans by mating. But two imaginary human can't multiply to produce more imaginary humans.

The resulting human will be negative.

Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of imaginary numbers?

Neither did *i*.

 

 

^^^^^Edit: fixed typo.

Are you tired of only having imaginary friends?

Just multiply them by the square root of negative one. Then you'll have real friends!

I met the woman of my dreams!

She's imaginary.

When I was a kid, I only had two friends and they were imaginary.

It was too bad they only ever played with each other.

A little girl was making a wish with Santa, she said I would like a unicorn for christmas, Santa replies but unicorns are just imaginary make another wish, she says ok I would like Manchester United to win a game.

Santa replied, what colour unicorn would you like?

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend

Now thanks to social media I have hundreds of them!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Imaginary Friend if we could ever have sex, and do you know what she said?

"In your dreams."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nurse doing rounds at an insane asylum

A nurse is doing her rounds at an insane asylum. She passes room one and sees a man talking to the wall. "what are you doing in here John?" the nurse asks. "I'm yelling at the manager for messing up my order!"


She continues to the second room and sees Terry walking around the room holdi...

"According to relativity, time itself travels at the speed of light, but along the imaginary axis."

"i c"

What do you call a line without an imaginary number?

One.

My friend was having trouble with a maths question - They couldn’t decide if a number was real or imaginary

I told them not to try and simplify something so complex.

I have low self esteem so I made an imaginary girlfriend.

But she dumped me...

I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary.

Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Psychology Professor becomes the warden of a renown mental health institution. NSFW Long

As he's making initial inspection of the hospital, checking on patients needs & treatment plans, he comes across a room where a patient is swinging an imaginary golf club.

"What are you doing?" ask's the Warden.

"Practicing my golf swing. The doctors tell me if i get really good ...

Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

What does a neckbeard call his imaginary girlfriend and his disease?

Ma'lady

Everyone on the planet is chasing imaginary monsters with their phone

But when I do it I need to "grow up" and "quit looking for Bigfoot."

Catching imaginary characters

"How much time do you waste catching imaginary characters on your phone" my father said to me as I was playing Pokemon Go.


And then he left for the temple.

I was shopping for shoes for my imaginary friend

He was a size 10i

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital

sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noise, "VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM....SCREEEECH...." he's going.

'What are you doing?' asks the doctor.
'I'm taking this juggernaut down to ...

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

GenIus math level

I have an imaginary girlfriend. Does that mean I’m in a complex relationship.

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