I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented

Most crows drank at home

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Because anywhere else it would've been called a teethbrush.

I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer? Qu'est-ce que c'est?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

...I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

The guy who invented the wheel was doing pretty well for himself

He was really on a roll

The guy who invented knock knock jokes

really deserves the no bell prize.

It turns out that I’m related to the man who invented the globe.

It’s a small world.

I just invented a new word

I call it "Plagarism"

The guy who invented marriage

Only did it once to realize it was a mistake

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Did you hear about the man who invented the escalator?

He was mechanically inclined

Did you hear about the watchmaker who invented a chronometer with 11 different dials?

He must have had a lot of time on his hands.

Before the cross bow was invented

Most bows were actually pretty happy guys

How the airplane was actually invented

Everyone thinks the airplane was invented by two brothers in America, but it turns out that they really just outsourced everything to four Chinese brothers!

I guess four Wongs do make two Wrights.

Autocorrect might have been invented by history's greatest scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

Which knight invented the ambush?

Sir Prize

I have invented a golf ball that if its at least 3 ft from the hole it will go in.

Just dont put them in your back pocket......

Did you know the e-cigarette was invented by a chinese man?

His name is Wei Ping

To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

I feel like we should all cut the guy who invented autocorrect some slack.

I'm sure he moans we'll

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ancient greeks invented sex

Romans made it more fun by adding women to it.

The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by...

First taking the intestines out of the goat.

The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe.

Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?

How copper wire was invented.

Dad: So, what did you need help with?

Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.

Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.

Son: ...

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush today

There's no plaque

The guy who invented USB died...

At the funeral they had to do a 180 with his coffin to get it in the hole.

The Chinese invented two major components of American schools.

Paper and gunpowder.

What did the person who invented the zero say before telling the world about it?

Well, here goes nothing!

Who invented the mini-skirt?

Seymour Heiny

The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

Did you know toothpaste was invented in the southern states?

otherwise it’d be called teethpaste.

Whoever invented the shovel is a genius

It was a groundbreaking invention

I invented a special flashlight for finding your friends

I'm calling it bud light

Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

When the guy who invented the USB flash drive dies,

they are going to put his coffin in the ground, lift it back up and turn it over, then put it back into the ground.

The man that invented auto correct

should burn in hello.

I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet

Last thing i'd want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.

Pigs in a blanket were invented in Alabama.

We know this because they're in bread.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

A Russian Doctor invented circumcision

Dr Ivan Karchakokov

What happened when the first car was invented?

It was rev-olutionary

Who invented King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

I invented worlds hottest chilipowder to put in the Guinness World records book.

Just really tired to kick people out of my library.

The guy who invented the vibrator was bat $hit crazy.

The voices in his head said “Build it and they will cum”.

I dreamt that I invented a new color last night

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

What did everyone say when the shovel was invented?

Wow that's a groundbreaking idea!

I just invented the reusable condom .

Friend: Come again?

Me: Exactly

Everything was great until gravity was invented.

Things went downhill after that.

Did you hear about the woman who invented the knock knock joke?

She won the no-bell prize!
(Courtesy of my new Alexa!)

They've invented a new version of rugby where only people who wear glasses can play it.

It's a non-contact sport.

The original "You won't last 5 minutes playing this game" was invented in

Guantanamo Bay.

The guy who invented predictive text died last night.

**His funfair is next monkey.**

I invented a new type of car...

Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!"

My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!"

Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.

It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

I invented a glass coffin.

Will it catch on? Remains to be seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I invented a new sex position " The G.R.R.Martin"

I give her the best foreplay and when she's ready to finish it's all just a slap in her face.

I invented a small fan that fits in your ear.

It’s mind-blowing.

To the guy who invented negative numbers

We owe you one.

When the person who invented the USB drive dies...

They’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

The guy who invented the USB died the other day

When the coffin was lowered they realized that it was the other way around, so they took it up, turned it and inserted it correctly

Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”

Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

How do we know that Al Gore invented the Internet?

Because everything runs via the Al-Gore-rhythm!

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

The man who invented toaster settings has died

He'll be cremated at 6.

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

I applaud Samuel Miller, the man who invented the jackhammer.

He had a groundbreaking idea.

I've just invented a dating app for chickens, its not my regular job..

Its to make hens meet

A woman goes into labor with her child.....

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain of the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels noth...

I invented the sandal for one legged people.

It was a flop.

Whoever invented the typewriter...

Must have made a prototypewriter

There was an old scientist who invented an anti-Alzheimer’s vaccine.

Unfortunately, he forgot the formula.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly?

The Wrong Brothers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

I just invented corduroy pillows

My friends tell me I’m stupid but I think they will make headlines worldwide

Once mankind invented Incognito mode

The rest is not in history.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Does it work if the whole joke is in the title?

Whoever invented auto-correct,

can go to hello.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just invented the Penis Watch.

I'd better rush to get it patented before someone else does.

The cock is ticking

The man that invented human cloning has died .

The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

## They say he made a mint.

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

If Steve jobs invented mac, did he also invent cheese?

(an actual original joke)

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