The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines

The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

Did you know it was the Scots who first invented the condom, using sheep’s intestine?

Years later, the French perfected it by first removing it from the sheep.


^ An oldie my French-heritage father loves to tell around my Scottish-heritage mother.

The one who invented the 'Knock Knock' jokes........

Definitely deserves a 'No Bell' prize!!

We invented the word. Why can’t we say it?

Worcestershire sauce.

Before crowbars were invented......

...most crows drank at home by themselves.

Did you know that the toothpick was invented in Arkansas?

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a “teethpick.”

I invented a sandal for one legged people

It was a flop.

Did you hear they invented an automatic pen and paper for clowns?

The joke writes itself

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.

Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.

What did the critic say after the clock was invented

It's about time he did

The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol.

He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.

I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.

Heard that the people who invented the COVID vaccine also invented a vaccine for stupidity.

Not going to take either cause

1) COVID isn't serious.

2) Why would anyone take a vaccine that makes you stupid?

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To whoever invented the mini skirt, you are a good person, thank you.

My balls have never felt so free.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

My grandmother invented Nair…

She’s Amelia Nair

Guys I just invented a new word

Guys I just invented a new word


Plagiarism

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A man invented the tampon

Let that soak in.

This goes out to whoever invented the 0

Thanks for nothing

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

;-)

To the guy who invented infinity

Thanks for everything

Dogs invented the Internet.

They have used IP protocol long before us.

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

Did you know that Thomas Jefferson invented the swivel chair

Guess he really loved Revolutions after all.

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

The person who invented Velcro died.

RIP

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

The man who invented Tetris died.

They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

To the person who invented autocorrect...

There's a special place in he'll for you.

Today I found out Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol

Her name was Onya

I invented a boomerang with teeth...

That ones gonna come back to bite me in the ass

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

Whoever invented police helicopters doomed us all

Everything’s gonna happen now that pigs can fly

The man who invented the trampoline died today.

His family remembers his last words... “Look what I can do.”

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together trying to one-up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek says "We have the Parthenon!"

The Indian replies "Well we have the Taj Mahal."

The Greek says "We gave birth to advanced mathematics!"

The Indian replies "But we invented the number zero."

The Indian says "We invented the caste system".

The Greek replies ...

Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?

At his funeral they lowered the casket....

Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

I've invented an exciting new product. Say goodbye to noise-cancelling headphones...

...and say hello to noise-cancelling megaphones!

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The person who invented autocorrect died recently.

May he roast in piss.

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.

The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50%, and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, no...

I just invented a DIY surgery kit

It’s called Suture Self.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

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When I found out who invented the sex dolls

I definitely did nazi that coming.

How the Portuguese language was invented??

A drunk Russian tried to speak Spanish.

The man who invented knock-knock jokes

should get a no bell prize.

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

To the guy who invented jackhammers,

that was a pretty ground breaking achievement

Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe?

He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it

I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides.

Euclipides nuts.

Before guns were invented

armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit this one out until the next war

You know why the 2 piece bathing suit was invented?

To separate the dairy section from meat section...

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

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Ever wonder how yodeling was invented?

Long ago, a mountain climber was walking through a valley on his way to a nearby mountain he had his eye on climbing. As he grew near his destination he saw a little farmhouse with a little barn with a farmer outside tending to his animals. The climber approached the farmer and asked if he could spe...

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

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When cybernetics are invented I want to replace my penis with a revolver

I could finally say I have a magnum dong

Do you know what was said about the shovel when it was invented?

Now that's groundbreaking idea!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens were not invented yet

Where was the wheel invented?

In Tyre

Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

Why does Al Gore think he invented the internet?

Because it’s based on Al-Gore-rhythms

Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

TIL that the toilet seat was invented by the polish people and only after 5 years the American perfected it by adding the hole in the middle.

A rough translation of a jk my dad told me

Who invented the Grandfather clock?

Pendulum Franklin.

I've invented a new opiod, which I've called Jesus.

All the churches near me are telling kids not to take the Lord's name in vein.

To the person who invented the drawers

I don't know how you pulled this one out.

When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited

it was well lit

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

The man who invented the double entendre died last week.

His wife's taking it hard.

No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap.

It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

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