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Invented Jokes

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

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The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobell prize.

Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...

"Substitooths".

I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

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EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.

The guy who invented autocorrect has died...

...his funfair will be help next sundial.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone...

He saw he had 10 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

i invented a new word!

its called plagiarism

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

Who invented the circle?

Sir Cumfrence

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TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral

To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

It’s a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…

If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

It wasn’t easy for the guy who invented the microphone in the beginning.

He got some really bad feedback.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener

Makes scents when you think about it.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

Who invented that game?

Did you know that Henry VIII invented the game F*ck, Marry, Kill?

Back in his day, however, it was called Wed, Bed, Behead.

How do we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the "teeth brush."

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP

True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented

Most crows drank at home

You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

I just invented a car that only moves when the driver is silent.

I mean, it goes without saying…

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Do you know why God invented yeast infections?

So women could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

I invented silent tennis...

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the 'no-bell' prize.

I am really thankful to the person who invented the flashlight.

It helped me get through some dark times in my life.

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

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The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

I invented a pen that can write underwater

And it writes a lot of other words, too!

I invented this joke and I will never shut up about it.

What's a racist's favourite playground game?

Apartheid and Seek.

"Sam...I thought you were a little crazy when you said you invented Plexiglas underwear, but now that you're wearing them..."

"...I can clearly see your nuts..."

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The anal dildo was invented entirely spontaneously...

From what I hear, the inventor just pulled it out of his ass

Who invented Popcorn Chicken?

Kernel Sanders

Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...

Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

Who invented the miniskirt?

Seymour Hiney.

Whoever invented the teaspoon

caused quite a stir.

We should really thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds

Without him it would be curtains for us all.

I invented a new type of car...

Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!"


My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!"


Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."

Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men?

Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers and got rich?

He made a mint

The Irish invented whiskey and bagpipes

They forgot to tell the Scots the latter was a joke

Which knight invented King Arthur's Round Table?

Sir Cumference

The guy who invented USB passed away recently

At his funeral, they started to lower his casket into the ground, but they had to stop half-way, and flip him over.

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

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A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)

Why don't pirates like playing cards?

There's always someone walking across the deck.

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I invented a new cocktail...

The reviews were mixed.

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Most people didn’t like the guy who invented doors

They say he was a bit of a knob

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Ancient greeks invented sex.

Romans made it more interesting by adding females.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

How A/C was invented

The four Goldberg brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell - invent vehicle air conditioning. But they have a hard time marketing it.

Well, on one 97-degree Detroit summer day, the four brothers walk into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talk his secretary into telling him that four...

To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper....

I wanna shake your hand.

Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years?

So until then they were just called can’ts.

The guy who invented the USB connector died...

They lowered the coffin into his grave.

Then they lifted it back out, turned it round, and lowered it back in again.

(Heard from an Irish tour guide:) "The fella that invented the crossword is buried in that cemetery over there."

"If you want to find his grave, it's four down and seven across."

Did you guys see that scientists invented a pill that kills your thirst?

You just have to take the pill then have two large glasses of water.

What happened after the wheel was invented

a revolution

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented?

A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

Back before the train was invented,

We had to run a wagon on your mom.

Did you know that sandals were invented by a Frenchman?

His name was Philippe Filoppe.

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

I just invented a way of powering the earth off of toddlers

Mine produces about 1000 what are's every day.

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

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I've invented the ultimate sex toy, the Fetish-o-matic 3000!

Not quite ready for mass production though, still working out the kinks.

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Do you know who invented the endoscope?

I don't either, butt I heard he's an asshole

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