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TIL: A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

What did the person who invented knock-knock jokes win?

A no-bell prize!

I invented a new word!

Plagiarism!

Just learned that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas

If it were invented anywhere else it would have been call a teethbrush.

I hope the guy who invented autocorrect

Burns in Hello.

To the guy who invented zero

Thanks for nothing pal.

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

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Greeks invented sex

The italians added women to it

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

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The man who invented unisex Tennis has died.

RIP Mick Stubbles

The Welsh invented the condom by using sheep’s intestine

The English perfected the condom by removing the intestine from the sheep

After a group of scientists invented a tasteless orally ingestible Covid vaccine they had a meeting to decide which products would be best to put it in to get to finally get to 100% coverage in America.

Ranch dressing will get 98% and Horse dewormer paste to cover the last 2%

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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I heard that the guy who invented autocorrect passed away...

May he rest in piss.

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

I’ve invented a biro with a bell attachment.

Patent pen ding.

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Did you know the tooth brush was invented in West Virginia?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called a teeth brush.

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I have invented a new method for distilling alcohol in your rectum.

It's a little unconventional butt still, it works!

Have you heard about the man who invented a bell-less belfry?

The invention was so great, he won a no-bell prize.

What would high definition be called if invented in Paris?

The French resolution!

How did the man who invented the bed of stone die?

In a pillow fight

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

The kind of joke that should have been invented by a six year old, but instead by me, a thirtysomething: What kind of fungus grows on a cow?

a mooooshroom

(I don't know if I can actually claim credit as an inventor of this joke, but I've never heard it anywhere)

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Before crowbars were invented......

...most crows drank at home by themselves.

Did you know it was the Scots who first invented the condom, using sheep’s intestine?

Years later, the French perfected it by first removing it from the sheep.


^ An oldie my French-heritage father loves to tell around my Scottish-heritage mother.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

Do you know what did the guy who invented the first knock knock joke got ?

The 'no-bell prize'

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

It is I who invented the term, "plagiarism".

However, Al Gore got credit for it.

The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers

He just wanted to put them in their place.

We invented the word. Why can’t we say it?

Worcestershire sauce.

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.

Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

I invented a sandal for one legged people

It was a flop.

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Do you know why the French invented the portapotty?

They needed somewhere to oui oui

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

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To whoever invented the mini skirt, you are a good person, thank you.

My balls have never felt so free.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus

Other doctors point out this is already a well known operation

The doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

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An Italian and a Greek are hanging out

An Italian and a Greek are having an argument. Each is trying to one up the other.

Greek: Greeks do everything better than Italians. Did you know that Hawaiian pizza was invented by a Greek.

Italian: Sex too was invented by Greeks, but it was Italians that introduced women to it!

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Today I found out Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol

Her name was Onya

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A man invented the tampon

Let that soak in.

The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol.

He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.

I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.

Did you hear they invented an automatic pen and paper for clowns?

The joke writes itself

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

The man who invented Tetris died.

They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.

My grandmother invented Nair…

She’s Amelia Nair

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

What did the critic say after the clock was invented

It's about time he did

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

;-)

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A hiker was traveling through Switzerland when he got tired, so he decided to stop at the next house he passed.

In that house lived a farmer, his wife, and his daughter. When the hiker knocked on the door, the farmer told him to sleep in the barn. Then the farmer went straight to bed.

The farmer's daughter went down to the barn and returned an hour later covered in straw, with her clothes all dishevele...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 


The four brothers ...

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, She invented the starting pistol.

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobell prize.

Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?

At his funeral they lowered the casket....

Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.

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NSFW As everyone knows it was a Pollock that invented Pussy.....

Who else but a Polack would put an eating establishment, right next to a dump!

The man who invented the trampoline died today.

His family remembers his last words... “Look what I can do.”

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

Whoever invented police helicopters doomed us all

Everything’s gonna happen now that pigs can fly

To the person who invented autocorrect...

There's a special place in he'll for you.

Before guns were invented

armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit this one out until the next war

Dogs invented the Internet.

They have used IP protocol long before us.

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

I invented a boomerang with teeth...

That ones gonna come back to bite me in the ass

Did you know that Thomas Jefferson invented the swivel chair

Guess he really loved Revolutions after all.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe?

He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it

You know why the 2 piece bathing suit was invented?

To separate the dairy section from meat section...

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