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Distill Jokes

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

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I have invented a new method for distilling alcohol in your rectum.

It's a little unconventional butt still, it works!

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All my wife drinks is Alkaline Vapor Distilled Ionized Water.

She’s such a basic bitch.

Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition

It’s called Whisky Business

A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy...

I replied, "Sounds like a whiskey buisness."

I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits.

So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

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A bartender walks into...

A bartender walks into a chemistry lab to drop off the yearly water sample. The lab guys are excited to have a visitor and even more since it’s a bartender. They invite him to their back room. One end is filled with huge bubbling fermentation flasks. The other is equally crammed with distillation ap...

New perfume

A public relations professional walks into a bar and orders a glass of champagne. "What's new in your world?" the bartender asks. "We're holding a gala event to launch the newest perfume by Chanel. It's made exclusively from the purest, melted and distilled midwestern snowfall," she tells the barten...

A stranded man

Young man’s fishing boat is blown off course and he ends up stranded on a small island. He gets along OK but he’s very lonely. Then, one day, A yacht sinks off of his island. A young woman, the only survivor, swims ashore wearing a wetsuit. He greets her and she is surprised to find somebody else on...

Bono heated and cooled his vodka over and over, filtering it to try and get the perfect taste...

But distill hasn't found what he's looking for.

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked...

MAID: -What would you like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

ME: -Tea pls.

MAID: -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

ME: -Ceylon Tea pls.

MAID: -How do you want it, black or white?...

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Old enough to serve, not old enough to be served: the Army and Alcohol

There was a thread a while back where a pun thread took off; it was about the moral hypocrisy of being allowed to put your life at risk fighting in war, while simultaneously not being allowed to drink alcohol.

While I detest most pun threads, this one seemed entertaining to me for some reason...

My middle school chemistry teacher once told us...

"Alcohol is not a solution, it's a distillation" \*smirks\*

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The police knocked on the door of a small Appalachian farmhouse.

"Good evening sir. We have received a report that you have been distilling illegal moonshine!"

"Me?! Moonshining?! That is a god damn lie! Never have I been so insulted in my entire life! I've never done anything like that! These are evil rumours that somebody has spread! - And I'll tell you ...

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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

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