UPJOKE
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How many egotistical people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, they hold the light bulb, and the universe revolves around them.

The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

A judge called me egotistical and conceited

I think I'm appealing

Everyone hated the egotistical civil engineer.

He got too big for his bridges.

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I just bought an egotistical keyboard

It's like a regular keyboard but there's no backspace button because I never make mistakes

Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical...

I am appealing.

What does the egotistical cheese say to itself in the mirror

Halloumi

You know why it's so difficult to put together a baseball team of egotists?

Everyone wants to play first.

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A magician had a residency in Vegas for 50 years.

Apart from being a very good magician specializing in slight of hand and “look over there while I do this over here” type tricks, he was also known for being a womanizer who was exceptionally good at getting women to leave after he was finished with them. Every time he would finish a performance, he...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine...

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The rude professor.

A biology professor in Italy was giving an anatomy class. "The largest penis was discovered in an archeological finding in rome". Two or three offended female students get up to leave. The professor says "hey girls" The female students turn around in a egotistical manner expecting an apology. The p...

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So little Johnny spends the weekend at grandpa's house...

*Little Johnny walks into the kitchen to find his grandpa smokin' a cigar*

Little Johnny: Grandpa grandpa, what is that?

Grandpa: it's a cigar little Johnny.

Little Johnny: can I have one?

Grandpa: well that depends, can your dick touch your asshole?

Little Johnny...

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Kim Kardashian’s ass is ridiculous

He’s egotistical too

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