UPJOKE
commodiousaccessibleconvenienceexpedientroomyspaciousadvantageoushandysuitableaptappropriatetimedesirableinexpensiveuseful

Convenient Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage couple were heading home past the graveyard, when, overcome with lust, they snuck in, and got down to it on a convenient gravestone.

The girl then hurried home, and when she got in, she complained of having a sore back to her mother. Her mum asked to look at her back, and then tutted.

"What is it? " Asked the girl. "Can you see anything?"

"I can't see anything wrong with your back", replied her mother, "but your b...

Why are they called convenience stores?

It's quite inconvenient for me to pay for stuff.

Why is depressed clothing so convenient?

It hangs itself

A knight rides on a road. Suddenly, a frog comes to him.

\- I am under a spell, - the frog says. - Kiss me, and I'll become a beautiful princess, and will be your wife and love you forever.

The knight kisses the frog and - Bamf! - it indeed turns into a princess. And the princess is so beautiful, he embraces her, takes her clothes off, makes love t...

The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

"What's that thing?" she asks.

"Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient."

"Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

I told the local business owner that I loved his convenient location -- walking distance from my house!

"That's nice, sir." He said. "But if you want an oil change, you'll have to drive"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Don’t you love having your gym pass on your keys? It’s so convenient!

Every time they fall under my car seat, the pass makes it so easy to pick up!

A joke I came up with in my dreams.. And it's dumb..

So, last night, in my sleep, I dreamt I was at a talkshow. They asked me to make up a joke for my entrance and this is what I came up with:

I wanted to walk through the curtain from backstage several times, each time struggling to get through and angrily calling the curtain an inconvenient. T...

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Now, that seems awfully convenient to be a coincidence, doesn’t it.

I had a date with a girl with leprosy and I think she likes me

She conveniently left an ear behind

Why do people rob 7/11 instead of restaurants?

Because it's more convenient.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?

An abduction.

I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marriage Counselling

A couple go to get counselling. The counsellor asks why they think they need counselling and before the man gets a chance to speak his wife starts.

"He’s always horny and often wants sex at the least convenient times."

"Ok!" says the counsellor "can you give me an example?"

The ...

I've been learning keyboard shortcuts

I have decided to start learning and using keyboard shortcuts, they are really convenient and can actually save you quite a bit of time.

For example:

The Windows key + D will minimize everything and go to your desktop

Alt Tab will switch between applications

Alt Right wi...

Taking Your Bird on Holiday

What’s the most convenient bird to take in hand luggage when flying?




A carrion crow.


I’ll see myself out.

There must be a thirteenth month.

When I talk to my parents, they say when I was born it was in convenient.

People say there are no advantages to being ugly

But conveniently, my portraits just hang themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally had sex with my teacher today!

This has been something I’ve always had a fetish for, though, everyone I’ve told so far has called me a sicko and weird.

Well gtg study for my test tomorrow, but lucky for me it’s at the end of the day. Being home schooled is very convenient.

The Original Sin

When God found out that Eve gave Adam the forbidden fruit, he decided that she deserved to be punished. Her sin was so terrible that also every other woman would have to pay for Eve’s treason. God sentenced them all to pay with their blood... but through convenient monthly installments.

My parents treat me like god

They believe in me when it’s convenient.

An elderly woman

One day an 80 year old woman was sitting outside of her nursing home smoking a cigarette when her 90 year old friend came outside and sat down beside her and lit up a cigarette of her own

They were smoking for a moment when they started to feel rain drops, the 90 year old woman pulled out a c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God was just about finished creating Adam and Eve...

...and told them "Okay guys, I've got two attributes left to give you--one for each of you. I'm going to let you choose which you each want. The first is, you get to pee standing up."

Adam jumps on that one right away. God says, "are you sure? You haven't heard the second one yet!" to wh...

My grandmother was a somnambulist who had recurring dreams of coloring Easter eggs

Conveniently, she dyed in her sleep last week.

What is a pirate's favorite letter

A letter of marque and reprisal, which granted treatment as a prisoner of war if captured, provided the former pirate turn over a proportion of his prizes to the issuing government. Used as a convenient way for otherwise underprepared belligerent nations to expand their navies in times of war, lette...

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

Talking street

A man walks up to a street.

The street says to the man:

"Hey!"

The jumps in surprise as the street shouts at him once more.

The man is puzzled.

"Excuse me?" The man said.

"I'm a talking street! I tell you when a car is coming!"

"That's convenient," Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] An Italian, an Englishman, and an American shipwreck on an island..

They wander for a bit until they find a tribe of ritualistic cannibals, who conveniently speak English. These cannibals explain that they are to kill them, eat them, and turn their skin into canoes. However, they're not TOTAL savages, so they will allow the 3 shipwrecked to choose their cause of dea...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.