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Hurts Jokes

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A women goes to the doctor because her butt hurts...

Doctor: " Where does it hurt exactly?"

Women: " At the entrance."

Doctor: "Well lady if you keep calling it an entrance then it's going to keep hurting"

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"Doc, my butt hurts"

"Where specifically does it hurt?"

"Right around the entrance"

"Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"

It hurts me to say this…

I have a sore throat.

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What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a ...

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

Logic hurts.....

\*Wife:\* I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.
\*Husband:\* Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
\*Wife:\* But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
\*Husband:\* Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starvi...

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If your asshole hurts and doctors are unable to identify the reason, you definitely need...

An Analyst.

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. You...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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a girl on facebook just said "letting everything out hurts"

so i commented " yeah im takin a shit too"

Dance like it hurts… love like you need money…

work when people are watching.

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

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If you punch your own balls and it hurts, does that make you strong or weak?

Stupid, it makes you stupid

In which European country it hurts more to be hit?

The Netherlands

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Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

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"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"
"Well, let's have a look at i\-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over. "What is it?" "You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt." "Well, pull it out!" The doctor does. "Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."...

Mickley Mouse: "My knee hurts!"

Doctor: "Which knee?"

Mickey: "Disney."

If it hurts when you pee...

Urine trouble.

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My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.

Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.

Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?

Patient: It hur...

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Rolled my first joint last night.

Fuck, my ankle hurts this morning.

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Hurts all over

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch my knee, it hurts when I touch my cheek, it hurts when I touch my ear ..” doctor examines him, then says: "You’ve got sprained finger, you fucking moron.”

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Doctor Doctor. My butt hurts!

'Alright, let's take a look at it.' Says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and the doctor inspects his butt.
'Do you know you've got a rolled up $20 sticking out of your butt?' Asks the doctor.
'I do? Well pull it out!' Says the man and the doctor does.
'Oh my God,' Says the doctor, 'I...

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

If someone hurts or offends me, I always ask myself "What would God do?"

I've been planning a Omnicide for years.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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Masturbation hurts.

Signed, Edward Scissorhands

What is grey and hurts if it flies in your eye?

A Boeing F/A-18E/F Super Hornet

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

What should you do if drinking coffee hurts your eyes?

Take the spoon out of the cup.

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

Normal back: hurts, backstreet back:

Alright

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

Jimmy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."



The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
Jimmy says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

Jimmy was diagnosed with a broken index finger later that day.

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[NSFW]Doctor my ass hurts.

Here?
Deeper.
Here?
Deeper.
Here?
Deeper.
Here?
Yes.
It's your throat that hurts.

Truth hurts, but you know something hurts more and makes me want to gag?

Deep truth.

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My butt really hurts and I keep trying to get peoples attention but no one will listen.

I think I have Ahemorrhoids

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

Doc, every part of my body hurts:

Me: “I touch my head it hurts.

I touch my stomach it hurrs

I touch my leg it hurts

I touch my eye it hurts

I touch my neck it hurts.

What is wrong with me?”

Doc: “You have a broken finger”

IT hurts

Rick Grimes: A network engineer went to the doctor.
Coral: Shut up, Dad!
RG: He said, "It hurts when I pee".
Coral: .......
RG: IT Hertz when IP, Coral!

My head hurts…

Doctor: why does your head hurts?

Patient: a bunch of books fell on my head yesterday…

Doctor: how did that happen?

Patient: I only have my shelf to blame…

A man went to a doctor saying that his back hurts. Doctor asked why this would happen. The man answered "I chew my nails". The doctor thinked it as ridiculous. The man answered-

"I chew my toenails!"

What’s red and hurts your teeth?

A brick.

If cancer hurts

Is it a growing pain?

"Everytime I drink my coffee, my eye hurts."

Those were the words I said to my doctor.

He then instructed me to prepare a coffee, like how I always did.

I poured hot water into the cup. Added the coffee, sugar then the creamer. Stirred a few times, then took a sip. My eye hurt.

He then said "try removing the teaspoon befo...

Scarier than funnier, but a good laugh never hurts.

-Did you hear they opened up a George Orwell memorial in the states?

-Oh really!? Where?

-Well...pretty much everywhere.

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I know for a fact that getting kicked on the balls hurts more than childbirth.

How do I know this?

Most women want to having another baby despite going through childbirth, yet I’ve never seen a man ask to get kicked in the balls.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

Patient: Doctor, every time I drink tea my eye hurts.

Doctor: did you try taking spoon out from the cup?

Kid: Ow, ow, ow, ow! My bottom really hurts!

Me: What happened, what did you do?

Kid: I sat on it!

(This joke courtesy of my 3-year-old.)

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.

It's spine

I just caught my pecker in my zipper and man it hurts.

No more zip up boots for me.

I went to the doctor and said: My back hurts in three places...

He said: Don’t go to those places

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My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell.

Either way, I'm so full of shit.

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Sexism Hurts Everyone

I mean, I'm a sexist, and I can't get a girlfriend, so who the fuck is going to do my laundry?

If you punch yourself and it hurts

Does it mean that you're really strong or that you can't take a punch?

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