A lady is holding her newborn in her arms looks at him,her eyes teary in joy and goes

when i think 9 months ago, i almost swallowed you

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were in a doctors office and they were all pregnant..

The brunette says, " I know I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom."
The redhead says "Then I must be having a girl because I was on the top!"
The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably and the two other girls start comforting her asking what's wrong...
The blonde looks at them through...

Robin hood gave a poor man a bag of gold

“Here, poor man,” Robin hood smiled. “Take this bag of gold, I took it from a rich man.”

“Thank you so much!” The man said as he got a little teary. “Now I’m rich!”

Robin hood turned back to the man.

“You’re what?”

So A girl got cheated on....

I overheard her complaining to her friends about how all men are pigs. She then said men just f*** Anything that walks. So I turn around, look at her teary eyes and i tell her that's a lie. Men also f*** women who can't walk.

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Fred was walking the long way home back to his house.(Long)

He had a long day at work and was feeling very sad that none of his co-workers had wished him well on this special day for him.

Fred walked past his neighbors who all waved to him but gave no special congratulations.

Fred began to feel worse and worse for himself as he finally made i...

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

An antivaxxer mom comes home one day...

...to see (or not see, rather) her son, which would usually be playing video games in the living room.

After a couple of minutes of searching far and wide, she had never thought to check his room.

When she opened the door, she saw him silently crying with his face buried in his pillow....

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

Samwise is preparing for his wedding...

He gathers his fellow hobbits around and then turns to Pippin.
"Pippin, I want you to be my best man."
Pippin is overjoyed, but before he can celebrate, there's a sound of someone crying, he turns and sees Frodo standing there with teary eyes.
"But Sam, what about me?" Frodo so...

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the ro...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

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A journalist wants to write an article about the life of Welsh farmers...

When he finds one, amidst the questions he asks: "What was the best day of your life?"

The farmer answers:" One day we lost a sheep. We looked everywhere, and when we finally found her, we wanted to celebrate, so we fucked her!".

The journalist is taken aback, he can't really...

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In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."

"Do not worry," the pr...

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A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..

He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am ...

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The girl at the bar.

When I first met my husband, he told me about a poor girl he met and accidentally embarrassed when he was out drinking one night.

I guess he thought she was cute and asked her to dance, but she refused while all of her friends went off dancing with other guys. He bought her a beer and after ...

You're ready

A man is outside with his dad after his wife has given birth. "I'm tired." he says. "Hi tired, I'm dad." the dad responds. "Well dad, soy milk." Teary eyed, the dad puts his hand on his son's shoulder and says "You're ready". "No..." The son says looking at his father "I'm dad" and he walks back int...

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

Dave had only one leg.

Every night he would sit at the pub, cradling his beer his trousers looking deflated below the knee. Yet the men found it hard to feel sorry for him as every night, he would go home with another beautiful girl. One day, young chuck, overcome with curiosity, decided to ask him his secret. He bought D...

Little Totos and his father.

One day little Totos returning home after school, found his dog dead on the lawn with its feet up in the air. "Dad why did the dog die with his feet up in the air" said Totos, "That's because its easier for god to come and take him" his father replied. The other day when his father returned home fro...

Bad memory

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “"What’s wrong?”" The old man looks at the bartender through

Teary eyes and between sobs says," I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous coo...

Little Stump was a very, very sad boy...

Because he had no arms and no legs.

But his friends always tried to cheer him up and bring him along on their trips. One day, they decided to go to the beach and invite Little Stump.

"No, I better not, I'll be a burden!" Little Stump reluctantly replied.

"Common, you've never be...

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A man got fired from his job.

When he sat at the bar he began to cry with his hands over his face. The bartender walks over and tells him to calm down.

The crying man catches his breath enough to explain he just lost his job and can't face his wife or son now. "We're going to lose the house, his birthday presents and I ca...

A girls first time

You lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head. He has more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you s...

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A little boy with a funny looking bellybutton

A little boy was born with what appeared to be a golden Phillips head screw for a bellybutton. As he grew older, everyday he would pray to the Lord and plead that some day he would have a normal bellybutton like the other kids.

One day, after an unusually long and teary prayer session, he ...

The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.

The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off...

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For all my military personnel

A SEA/L, PJ and a Green Beret all are trying to make Delta. The last phase of the selection process comes up and the instructor says "Alright men, you've come a long way. But you can't have any emotional ties to distract you. Behind each of these three doors, is each of your wives with her hands ti...

The CIA was recruiting a new hitman...[Adult]

... and had 3 preferencial candidates, a french guy, a british guy and a portuguese guy.

They all had the same final test, which was to kill their wives with a handgun.

First one was the french. He immediatly refused, saying he could never kill his beloved wife.

Next was the br...

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Dave and Dick walk into a bar

order beers and start complaining about not having girl friends.
Dave asks Dick "You ever notice after you have sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
Dick says, "Yeah, all the time."
Dave asked, "Why is that?"
Bartender says, "I'm pretty sur...

Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years

Q: What did you do before you were married sir?

A: *with teary eyes* whatever the hell i wanted to do ...

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A man buys a drink at a bar...

and places it down next to him deep in thought.

Suddenly a biker enters the bar and sits down next to the man, takes his drink and downs it one gulp.

"watcha gonna do?" the biker sneers.

The man breaks down into tears.

"Shit man, I didn't think you were going to cry, man ...

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A Slight Misunderstanding

I was picking up my 4 year old son, James, from daycare but he was late out. I saw his classmate Sophie standing with her mother and thought I would ask her how long he would be.
As I said her name she looked at me, teary eyed. I asked "What's wrong?" She replied "My Mommy is selling my pussy be...

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