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Passionate Jokes

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[NSFW] You're Passionate!

A hungover, toothless eskimo woman is hitchiking on the side of the road, when a guy in a pick-up pulls over and asks her where she needs to go. "I need go to the liquor s(h)tore."
"All right, I'll take you," the man replies, "but you have to give me head."
"Ok," the eskimo replies, pulling he...

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

Did you hear about the passionate aquarium owner who got shut down?

He lost his porpoise!

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

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A woman entered a pub and saw a haggard looking soldier sitting at the bar.

She approached him and asked if everything was all right.

The soldier said, "I haven't had sex since 2014."

The woman replied, "Wow that's a long time. How about I get your tab and you come back to my hotel?"

They went to her hotel room and made passionate love for a solid two ...

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

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I swear people get 10 times cuter when they talk about what they're passionate about.

Unless it's Hitler.
Then it's only nein times cuter.

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

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An average looking man walks into a bar.

A beautiful woman approaches him. The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned.
He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him, so he agreed.
They both get into his car and drive really far.
He stops at a cliff with the vi...

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

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All men truly are passionate ornithologists at hearth..

Why else would they spend so much time observing *Tits* in their diverse natural habitats?

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NSFW A man and a woman are making passionate love...

and the man dies of a heart attack.

The undertaker removes the body and prepares it for burial, the problem being that the erection that the guy had has not gone away, and unless something can be done, the coffin will need something like a periscope to accomodate the protruding organ. They p...

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

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A man has a very passionate one night stand with a girl.

The next day when he wakes up he notices she is still caressing his cock. Amused he asks, "You are still horny, aren't you ?". The girl replies, " Nah I just miss mine."

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

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A gold one

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

‪I was passionately following my dreams.‬

They felt threatened, and filed for a restraining order. ‬

‪Now I’m not allowed anywhere within 200mtr of their presence. ‬

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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love,

the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychia...

What’s more memorable than a passionate kiss?

A stab wound

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." 


Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age." 


The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." 


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" 


"Tiger Woods." 


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" 
...

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I had no idea nazis were so passionate about animals.

Apparently after the war they all became veteranaryans.

A Young Pastor Had Prepared a Long and Passionate Sermon for his New Congregation

But the night before he was to deliver this sermon, the town was hit by a big blizzard, and the roads were icy and impassable. In fact, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the church that Sunday morning. The pastor said, "I guess we won't have a service today."

The farmer replied: "Wh...

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A young recently immigranted Italian couple Maria and Luigi fall in love and get married.

They're sort of poor and spend the honeymoon night at her mama and papa's house.
Maria's a nervous virgin and Mama's busy cooking spaghetti and has to try to calm Maria down and talk her into going upstairs to her husband. She finally does, and Luigi is sitting on the bed and gives her a long pas...

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My father always told me, “marry a girl who is passionate about her career”

I think my prostitute will do just fine

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Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love

in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!''

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his...

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

What are the worst three words you could hear when you're in the middle of some passionate love making?

"Honey, I'm home!"

A man and woman are making passionate love in the bedroom.

Suddenly, the apartment door opens, and a man comes in and
shouts, "Darling! I'm home." He walks into the bedroom, sees the
naked couple and says, "What is she doing here?

Passionate kiss is like spider web

leads to undoing of fly.

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

I saw two women in a passionate conversation.

"How on earth did *he* get between *them*?" I overheard one of them say.

I said, "I guess the 't' and 'm' made room."

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…

What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

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A man is making passionate love to his wife when his neighbor busts open the front door.

Immediately embarrassed, he yells, “Jesus! Can’t you knock?”

His neighbor shouts back: “I’ll knock when you two get the fuck off my lawn!”

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

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I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips...

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and d...

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A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.

While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."

A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis cour...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

Thor makes mad passionate love to an Earth woman. The next night he is back, knocking at her door.

"Who is it?"

"I'm Thor!"

"*You're* thor? I can hardly pith!"

Wife strikes again but stronger than before!

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets;

Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole;

Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same...

Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill.

Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"

Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the l...

A woman hits up a guy in a bar

They go to her apartment and make out. Then out of nowhere, the guy starts kissing her neck, softly at first, and then it bursts into a wild ride of biting and sucking, driving her into depths of pleasure she has never had. The guy seems to be pretty experienced, choking her and then stroking her ne...

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

F...

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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her

The Nun, very upset, say,s"NO! I am married to God" and gets off the bus disgusted

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the Hippie, "She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard... why don't you tell her you are God and demand sex?"

The Hippie tries this and to his surp...

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

I love you just the way you are, I passionately sang to my ex-grilfriend

Then I lay the flowers on her grave.

A young woman in New York...

... was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to li...

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

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A man was hiking in China

He walked up a beautiful mountain for hours until it was nearly night. Then he saw an old stone house, two stories high, beautiful but very old work.
He knocked on the door and an old Chinese man opened.
"Hello good sir, I know I am a stranger, but it is getting dark and I don't want to hike ...

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

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Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

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In an archeology class, the professor brings in a real mummy for demonstration.

In front of all the freshmen, he declares that in order to be a good scientist, one must achieve good skills and have great passion.

The professor puts his finger into the mummy’s butthole, puts the finger into his mouth, and sucks it like he does a lollipop.

“Now who has the gut to ju...

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