Heated Jokes - 45 Hilarious Heated Jokes

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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

Why do Ladas have heated rear windows?

To keep your hands warm when pushing them.

The other day I had was in a heated debate about circles

It was a pointless argument.

Fords coming out with heated tailgates.

So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it home.

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

Do you ever wonder why they call it heated seats?

Because rear defroster was already taken.

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When their argument got heated, what did the big turd say to the little turd?

>!”listen here you little shit!”!<

I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday

We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger

The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when you're pushing it home in the winter.

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After a heated argument she told me i should just be a plumber

Because i like to bring up old shit.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

How is the ISS heated?

With a space heater

I heard that steel got into a heated argument once

Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.

Fords new heated tailgates..

Fords working on a new heated tailgate feature, that way when you have to push it in the snow your hands won't be cold.

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Me and my wife got into a heated argument best she found out I was visiting prostitutes for sex.

I told her she couldn’t blame me she would hardly ever give it up.

She said that it’s my own fault I never told her I was willing to pay for it.

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I was dancing with a woman in a bar and things were getting heated.

"Want to go back to my place?" I asked.

"Of course," she grinned.

"Nice," I replied, handing her my keys. "Just let the dog out for a shit, please."

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My wife and I got into a heated row.

"I get it," I declared. "You think I'm an arsehole."

"No, I don't," she said. "Because arsehole's have a purpose."

Driving home my wife asked if the heated seats were broken.

I told her I turned them on for dinner asked what temperature she preheated to. She didn’t think it was as funny as I did.

I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment.

Hopefully it works out in my favor.

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

A nun and a priest are in a heated argument

The priest insists that since he is higher up on the Catholic food chain, God must love him more than the nun. The nun disagrees and says that God loves everyone equally. The priest comes to the conclusion that he can only settle this discussion by having God arbitrate the debate for them. So he kne...

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

What do you call a heated conversation between two fisherman?

Debait.

A Frenchman and an Ethiopian got into a heated argument.

The Frenchman said, "We have better food, wine, standard of living, transportation, infrastructure, economy, and GDP than you! What do you have? Nothing!"

The Ethiopian answered, "At least we didn't surrender to the Axis!"

I recently had a heated debate with a mathematician about fractions

It's fair to say that our opinions were divided

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

There once was a heated debate between two groups of art students

One group wanted two draw a necklace and one group wanted to draw a scarf. They decided that the only way to make a decision was by taking a vote so that's what they did.

In the end, they drew a tie.

Kendall Jenner and her dad Caitlyn Jenner are in a heated argument.

Caitlyn says: "It's true, Kendall. You have to believe me!"

Kendall says furyously: "I see straight through your lies. You are so trans parent!"

I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

People get so heated up about if the milk comes first in tea or cereal

Personally i prefer to put the tea in first, then the milk, then the cereal.

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

My wife and I got into a heated argument.

"I met a man...but I married a boy." she said, her face full of rage.

I said, "I guess the jokes on you then, paedo."

I don't see why people are getting so heated about alt-left and right

I mean, both keys do the exact same thing

If the US has a heated debate over global warming that polarizes the nation

desn't that mean problem solved?

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

I got into a heated debate with my friend about time travel...

We really opened a can of wormholes.

Bono heated and cooled his vodka over and over, filtering it to try and get the perfect taste...

But distill hasn't found what he's looking for.

Funny variations of this tough guy quote

"Some people are like an old TV

They need to be hit a few times before they get the picture"

"Some people are like pasta

They're hard until things get heated and then they go soft"

And that's all I've got, if you have any share below.

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

They worked inter-mitten-ly

What’s it like to work in HVAC?

It blows! Lots of venting and heated conversations.

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