A school district superintendent, known for his fiery temper, visits a high school one day. He becomes so annoyed with the staff's incompetence that he yells without thinking, "Half of this school's staff is unfit to work in a high school!"

Naturally, everyone stops and stares as the superintendent. "I'm sorry," he says sheepishly. "What I meant to say was that half of this school's staff is *not* unfit to work in a high school!"

A young Catholic couple about to get married…

Died in a fiery car crash. They were met at the gates of heaven by St. Peter. They told him how deeply in love they were, and asked if it was possible to get married in heaven.

St. Peter told them he wasn’t sure but would find out and get back to them.

Three months later St. Peter sh...

I’ve always hoped for the opportunity to save my ex from a fiery car crash.

I don’t know if I would take that opportunity, but I would certainly like the chance to.

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A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

What do you call a fiery bird that can’t fly?

A Joaquin Phoenix

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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

A fiery demon, clad in sleigh bells, entered the chamber.

Gandalf immediately froze in fear. It was what he had feared since entering Moria.

With each horrific step, the bells jangled damnation.

“That’s the jingle bell,” muttered Gandalf.

Step.

“That’s the jingle bell.”

Step...

I'd tell you a joke about a fiery green lizard

But it would drag-on

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

A Preacher, A fiery Sermon and a Hymn

A preacher was winding up a sermon with a tremendous fervour "If I had all the beer in the world, I would take that beer and throw it into the river!"
And the congregation shouted "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world" he continued "I would take that wine and throw it into the ri...

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The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

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Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate...

Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of sex and drugs. Yet, after their deaths they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head.

Then after a moment he speaks, "O.K girls. The Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another cha...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

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"I can't go back to that school"

I put down my book, \*The Art of the Unseen\*, to examine the fiery young lad before me. "What happened, son?"

"They took one look at me, and started calling me 'Ginger'!"

I sighed, admitting, "I'd hoped they wouldn't notice. What did you do?"

"Well, Dad, you've taught me to al...

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Wedding night

One guy is playing tennis and gets hit hard on the penis, causing 'penile muscle trauma'. In agony, he addresses the doctor:

\- Doctor, see what you can do for me ... I will get married at the end of the week; my fiancee is a virgin and I cannot disappoint her.

\- Don't worry, I'll t...

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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Just Monkeying Around

Guy goes to the zoo and is hanging out around the outdoor monkey cage. There's lots of people about and he can't see much, so he leans in over the safety rail to get a better look. A chimp, unseen until that moment, reaches through the bars and snatches a box of matches out of his shirt breast pocke...

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Every year at the state fair...

... Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you...

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

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What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talke...

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A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every eveni...

An engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter greets him. "Come in, come in." says Peter, "We can always use another engineer." But the engineer is not so sure he wants to go to Heaven. He is a builder and a doer and is afraid he will be bored. So he asks if he can have a look at ...

A quarterback from a local football team is jogging through his neighborhood...

As he’s running he’s talking himself up like “yeah, you’re the best” “you’re gonna throw that ball so hard bro”

as he’s jogging he begins to hear screaming down the street and sees an area that seems brighter than the rest. He wraps around the corner to see what’s happening.

As he ar...

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Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, ...

Jerry died and was in line for the Pearly Gates...

As people approached St. Peter he directed them either into heaven or over towards Satan standing by the fiery pit of Hell. Jerry noticed that every once in a while Satan threw some of the damned around the edge of the pit. This intrigued Jerry, so when he was next in line, Jerry asked Peter, "What'...

A man from Baltimore dies and goes to hell...

He had been a bad man his entire life and therefore the devil made sure to give him extra work in the hottest fiery pit of hell. After a week goes by, the devil stops by to see how miserable the man is, but instead finds the man happily going about his work. He asks the man:
"Why are you so damn ...

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A man suspects that his wife is cheating on him.

One day, he arrives home early from work, hoping to catch her in the act. He makes his way up to their 20th story apartment, and throws the door open with such force that the whole apartment shakes, and hears a gasp from his wife.

"Ah-ha!" He says, as he bolts into their bedroom, only to fin...

Two Alabamans die, and go to hell.

Satan walks by to check up on them, and notices them wearing winter coats and shivering. "What are you two doing?" He says. "This is *hell*, and you're *cold?!*" One of the Alabamans replies, "We've had much hotter temperatures out in Birmingham, this is practically an igloo in comparison!"

...

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A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A ...

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One I've never heard outside family reunions.

Three men are in a fiery car crash and all are killed instantly. They go to heaven. At the pearly gates they are met by St. Peter. "There's my favorite dead guys," he says. "Look, there's only one rule here. Don't step on a duck." The gates open to reveal every inch apparently covered in ducks.
...

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Bubba and his two assholes

Bubba dies in a fiery car crash. His body is taken to the morgue to have an autopsy. The mortician asks his two friend to come to the morgue. He asks his first friend to come in and identify the body. His first friend asks the mortician to turn the body over and spread his butt cheeks. "No that is n...

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Alien experiment

So these 2 aliens get orders to go to this new planet earth and abduct a human for studying. The aliens, not knowing what a human looks like, happen to land at a gas station.

Alien A walks up to the gas pump and shrugs and says, " human surrender and come with us" the gas pump doesn't do any...

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

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New Shiny Shoes

An Italian bachelor buys a new pair of shiny shoes, and decides to head out on the town to show them off.

Once he's at his favorite swing dancing club he begins looking for women to dance with. He finds a beautiful blonde and asks her to dance. She agrees.

"How about a bet?" He asks th...

A bus full of the worlds most ugly people drives off a cliff..

They all die in a horrible, fiery, explosion.

They all go to heaven where they are greeted by an angel who grants all of them one wish to take with them into their next lives.

The 1st ugly spirit steps forward and wishes to be beautiful. The Angel grants his wish and a man in the very ...

The preacher arrived at church...

...muttering angrily under his breath.

"Goodness, what's wrong?" asked his secretary when he came into the office.

"It's raining like crazy out there," said the preacher, "and I can't find my umbrella! I had it here at the church last week, and I think one of the congregation must hav...

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A dammed soul is led through hell by the devil...

... they pass rooms of various torture and suffering. "Your room is right over here" says Satan, pointing to a cell filled with fire and hot coals. Just before entering the condemned man sees his neighbor's cell. It is a comfortable cocktail lounge. The Man's lawyer, also recently dead, sits on a co...

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Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12

A French breast scientist advises against wearing bras after a thorough study, thus tying for the best job ever and the best news ever.

A GOP rep said not gays nor NAMBLA can redefine marriage. Thankfully, nine fabulous people in robes can. ‪#suckit‬ ‪#nohomo‬ ‪#somehomo‬ ‪#yeshomo‬

Ki...

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