Homeless Jokes - 99 Hilarious Homeless Jokes

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park

I asked him "Why are you eating grass?"

He said "I am very hungry"

I replied "Oh, okay then. Come with me."

You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

I saw a homeless man living in a tire today, so I popped it

Now he lives in a flat

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

If two Homeless people are hitting each other with a cardboard boxes...

Is it a pillow fight?

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

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I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

I can't stand homeless people

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

Why did homeless people vote for Obama?

Because he said he’d bring change.

The homeless had a sign saying " need money for protection "

So i went out of my way and bought him some condoms.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop…

… and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at th...

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

I tried to tell a homeless person a knock knock joke...

Punch line unnecessary.

i saw a guy today who looked sort of hot, but when i got closer i realized he was homeless and i was turned off

i never knew i was such a bigot, but in that moment, i realized i'm nohomophobic.

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy.

You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.

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I found a homeless girl behind a dumpster once

So I took her home and gave her a bath. She was pretty and one thing led to another we started having sex.

At one point we were shagging so hard the noises she was making, you would of thought she was still alive.

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people

1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick ?

U can drop her off anywhere

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Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years....

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

Why did the duck become broke and homeless?

Because he smoked to much quack

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I tried to share a hot dog with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.

He told me, “Fuck off! Get your own.”

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

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2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!
...

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A homeless man tries to sleep with a nun

A homeless man is sitting outside of a bus station begging for change when a nun walks by. "Hey there sexy lady! How about some love for an old homeless man?," he says. The nun says nothing but gives him a nasty look and walks away. "Hey, buddy" says a voice behind him. The homeless man turns around...

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

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What's the best thing about sex with a homeless girl?

It doesn't really matter where you drop her off after.

It's nice to see the homeless take covid seriously.

I saw one getting vaxed under the overpass three times this week.

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".

They don't make it through the fourth.

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

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The homeless pianoman

On a thursday afternoon, a homeless man walks down a street and sees a "pianist wanted" sign in the window of a bar. The man goes into the bar, sits at the piano and begins to play. The owner of the bar hears the man play and is completely blown away.

"That song is amazing, what do you call ...

What's the difference between a homeless person and an art major?

About $4.32 in change.

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

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This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless black man.

I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
"I was working on ...

Why does the homeless man only drink coffee?

He had no proper tea..

Did you hear about the homeless guy who was crowded?

He had no room.

How do you revive a homeless American from a heart attack?

You threaten to call an ambulance.

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeles...

(NSFL) What's the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after three periods.

I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog..

He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"

A Story About My Time with a Homeless Man

Insert Rick and Morty joke here.

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

why are Homeless people always yelling?

Because they don't know how to use inside voices.

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you."

So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

Why did the homeless man move into an apartment?

He was thinking outside the box

There once lived a homeless man

The homeless man is wandering about a riverbank one day, when he spots a young woman whose tripped and fell into the river.

Being the kind soul he is, he doesn't hesitate to jump in and rescue her.

All is well, as he managed to save her from drowning.

Suddenly, the richest man ...

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1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, the...

What did the homeless man say to the musician?

"You poor man. Here."

*empties his change cup*

I asked a homeless man how he became homeless

He said he offered blondes a penny for their thoughts

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

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A homeless man goes into a pharmacy and asks the young attractive woman behind the counter

"Do you have any male pharmacist here ?"

Woman " Well, me and my twin sister own this place and take turns. Tell me what you want?"

Man " well it's kinda embarrassing."

Woman "Dont worry I'm a professional and deal with many cases everyday".

Man "Well, My cock is always e...

A $50 Lesson

A $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?' ...

Thanks to your donations, we've completely transformed this homeless man...

Into a homeless woman.

There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang...

This joke has been removed.

Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea.

To desire more is greed.

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

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Two homeless guys...

are walking down the tracks. One is in a great mood.

HM2: looks to HM1 and says why are you in such a great mood?

HM1: Because yesterday I fell in love?

HM2; really?

HM1: Yes, I was walking down the tracks and I saw a woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and we made...

Another homeless man is on the street corner begging for money.

"Please Sir!" he addresses a well dressed man. "Do you have a buck for a pice of bread?"

"Well" answers the man, "it depends. I need to see the piece of bread first!"

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"

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What do you call a homeless Hitler?

A roofless dictator.

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

Caring Homeless

I just saw 9 homeless people under an overpass in San Franisco giving each other Covid vaccinations. What a caring community we live in.

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

A homeless man is sitting in a bar

After a few drinks he begins speaking to a young lady. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree.

Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?"

The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology ...

A Comedian Runs Out Of Jokes.

A desperate comedian is pacing outside a pub, tearing his hair out with worry.

A homeless man, sat in a puddle, looks on and asks the man what's wrong?

The comedian tells him hes ran out of jokes, and he's due to go and perform in two minutes. If he uses other people's jokes he'll be...

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

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Why can't homeless kids be gay?

They have no closet to come out of

A homeless man walks into a job interview..

A homeless man walks into an interview for a truck driver position, the interview goes well.
The inteviewer said: well, I you meet our standards, just the last thing; what is your email address?
By which the homeless man replied: Sir, I don't own a computer, so I don't have an email address....

A kid sees a homeless guy begging on the street,

And gets to chatting with him. The guy is nice enough but obtains from the conversation that the lad is off to put some money in the bank, and asks as the kids gets up to go.

"So, can you spare a few of those dollars, kid?"

"Are you going to use it on drugs?"

"No sir, food a...

What do you call young homeless muppets?

Sesame Street Children.

The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter' headquarters into a homeless shelter

The bad news is, it can only house 280 characters, or less

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[NSFW] I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.

She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl.

So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

At one point I was banging ...

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Two homeless men

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First one says "Today I found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!"
to which the second replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard and found a woman tied to the train tracks...

A homeless man...

A homeless man was walking down the street. His shoes were so worn out that the soles would flop around when he walked. One day, he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him. The man asked for the homeless man to come to him. He p...

"A few pennies, sir?" asked the homeless man.

I looked into his guitar case and said, "I'll pass, mate. There's not even enough for a sandwich in there! But thanks, anyway"

I want to do a better job of recognizing our veterans

But they just look like all the other homeless people.

Can teachers give homeless kids...

... homework?

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

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The Homeless Pianist

A homeless man is walking along the street when he sees that the local bar is looking for a new pianist. He walks in, sits at the piano and starts to play.

The owner hears him from the back room and is blown away. He walks up to the man and waits for him to finish playing.

"That was am...

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filthy old man

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said

"Look since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed "NO! Fuck off y...

Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

I met a homeless man, named Rich.

He wasn't.

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What do you call a homeless lady with fair hair?

A vagablonde!

A pilot should never go homeless

Because then he's going to look for a place to crash.

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Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

A homeless guy is on the road...

A homeless guy is on the road, thinking how he is going to die if doesn't get shelter soon.

He saves a lot of money he got from begging to buy a specific thing, according to him, is going to help him survive.

Finally, he buys a blue cake with lines, and shows it to anybody who came clo...

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

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