UPJOKE
homeless personunfortunatehomeless sheltershelterhouseholdvagabondhoborooflessbostonunsettledgreat depressionhousingtentpoordestitute

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park

I asked him "Why are you eating grass?"

He said "I am very hungry"

I replied "Oh, okay then. Come with me."

You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

I can't stand homeless people

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.


"...

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

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I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol

2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy.

You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.

Did you read that romance about 5he two homeless horses

Let's just say it wasn't a stable relationship

Dating an homeless girl is cool af

Cause u can just drop her off anywhere

The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter' headquarters into a homeless shelter

The bad news is, it can only house 280 characters, or less

I wish my house was big enough to let all the homeless people in my town live there.

I wouldn't actually let any of them live there, I just want to give an example of how large I want my house.

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What is the best thing about sex with homeless girls?

It doesn't really matter where you drop her off when you're finished.

I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home...

The smile on her face vanished when I took away her cardboard box.

What do you call a clown that saves money by being homeless?

Penny wise

What is the best thing about taking a homeless person on a date?

you can drop them off anywhere.

It's closing time at the local pub. As the bartender is putting stools up, a filthy ragged homeless man walks in...

"No free booze!" says the bartender.

"No, all I want is one toothpick." says the homeless man.

The bartender gives him the toothpick and away he goes.

No sooner has the homeless man left, another one shows up.

"What do YOU want?" asks the bartender mopping the floor. ...

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

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Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

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A homeless person and a stereotypical surfer hang out together.

Call that Bum and Bummer.

Homeless guy asked if I could spare a dollar.

I looked in my wallet and there was only a $20, so I asked myself "Do I really want this money going to drugs, booze, and the decline of society?"

I decided I didn't so I gave it to him.

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

Thanks to your donations, we've completely transformed this homeless man...

Into a homeless woman.

Why did the homeless man move into an apartment?

He was thinking outside the box

what joke can a homeless person not understand?

Inside jokes

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

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A homeless man goes into a pharmacy and asks the young woman behind the counter

"Do you have any male pharmacist here ?"

Woman " Well, me and my twin sister own this place and take turns. I'm a professional so you can tell your problem " .

Man " well it's so embarassing. My cock is always erect no matter how many times I come out . I literally have to tape it to ...

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

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filthy old man

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said

"Look since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed "NO! Fuck off y...

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

why are Homeless people always yelling?

Because they don't know how to use inside voices.

What do you call young homeless muppets?

Sesame Street Children.

Since I lost weight I've stopped giving money to the homeless.

Lean and mean.

I saw a homeless man the other day and I had some money on me. I wanted to be conservative with it

So I told him to get a job

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I found a homeless girl behind a dumpster once

So I took her home and gave her a bath. She was pretty and one thing led to another we started having sex.

At one point we were shagging so hard the noises she was making, you would of thought she was still alive.

I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.

I took it out and asked myself, “Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?”

I decided I did, so I put the money back in my wallet and kept walking.

I met a girl in the pub

We talked, we laughed, we drank.

We got each other's phone number. We left the pub, said bye to each other. It was late at night, so I told her to call me when she got home.

It's been a week now, I never got a call from her...

She must be a homeless

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A lawyer dies and finds himself in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter is holding a clipboard and asks his name, then checks his list.

"Says here you were a lawyer, is that correct?"

"Yep," says the lawyer, "that's correct."

"Well, here's the thing," St. Peter says. "We don't get too many lawyers making it past the gates here. We'll need ...

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Know what the difference is between the NYC subway and our public bathrooms is?

We don't let the homeless piss in our public bathrooms.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

At the tube station earlier I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.”

He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog.

I despise when homeless people shake their coin cups at me.

Look, I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in my face.

I’m dating a homeless woman.

I’m going to move out with her next month.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

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A homeless guy was caught at a craft store dipping his balls into a bag of glitter

It was pretty nuts.

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.

The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the fro...

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

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What do you call a homeless lady with fair hair?

A vagablonde!

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Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

Would you like to hear an inside joke?

So would a lot of homeless people.

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

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What do you call a woman that likes to have sex with homeless men? (NSFW)

A Hobosexual

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A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy…

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping o...

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that m...

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

Why did the duck become broke and homeless?

Because he smoked to much quack

I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog..

He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

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A homeless, a homosexual and a drunk guy end up in heaven

God comes to them, points at the homeless and says:

-I will give all of you another shot, but if you ever take even a coin without earning it, my lightning will strike you

Then he points at the drunk guy:

-If you ever drink alcohol again, same will happen to you

Then he p...

(NSFL) What's the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after three periods.

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It’s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.

They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.

What's the difference between a homeless man and a boat captain?

One has a boat.

A farmer gets a knock at his door late into the evening

Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter.

The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside."

The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's gener...

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

Homeless guy is walking in one shoe

Somebody asks him:

-Oh, have you lost your shoe?

-Nope, I've found one!

There’s this homeless vlogger called Nat Holm. He’s absolutely fantastic and shows you how to get the most out of life, even if you’re really poor!

But for some reason, every time I recommend his show to people, they look at me like I’m some massive pervert, and I have no idea why! I guess people are just so pretentious nowadays.

Anyway, go search for “Poor Nat Holm”. I watch “Poor Nat Holm” every day without fail, and I cannot get enou...

What’s the difference between a homeless clown and a scary clown?

One is penniless and the other is Pennywise.

I asked a homeless man how he became homeless

He said he offered blondes a penny for their thoughts

Homeless man tells the tale

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I ...

I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today.

He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar

"A few pennies, sir?" asked the homeless man.

I looked into his guitar case and said, "I'll pass, mate. There's not even enough for a sandwich in there! But thanks, anyway"

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If I got a quarter for every time I've had sex...

I'd be homeless

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Nowadays teens could just look up porn on the internet. Back in my day, they only had porn in the stores. But they wouldn’t sell it to us because we were underage. So we had to pool our money and give it to the homeless guy outside of the store.

He then would strip and play with himself for us. It wasn’t terrible but my point is you kids got it easy.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a homeless guy!

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

A homeless man with poor clothing is walking one day when he sees a church is having a service so he goes inside. When he gets inside a person walks up to him looks at his clothes and tells him to leave.

The man goes and sits outside and has a small cry when a voice behind him says "whats wrong"?. When he explains what has happened the voice replies don't worry my son my name is god and I have been trying to get into that place for years

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[NSFW] I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.

She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl.

So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

At one point I was banging ...

What do you call lice that lives in a bald man’s head?

Homeless

My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid…

- “My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid. She cooks soup for homeless people in our city.”
- “And is she good at it?”
- “Oh boy, definitely! Half of the homeless rather found a job already!”

A Story About My Time with a Homeless Man

Insert Rick and Morty joke here.

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

A homeless guy is on the road...

A homeless guy is on the road, thinking how he is going to die if doesn't get shelter soon.

He saves a lot of money he got from begging to buy a specific thing, according to him, is going to help him survive.

Finally, he buys a blue cake with lines, and shows it to anybody who came clo...

Who is the patron saint of homeless dogs and cats?

St. Ray

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What do you call a American cop when he shoots a disabled homeless man?

An ambulance

What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard?

a pillowfight.

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

Two homeless are on the street in front of the Vatican...

One has a big cross and the other a star of David. The pope sees them and stops his whole entourage to go speak to them. He says to the beggar under the star of David, "my son this is a Catholic country. You're never going to get any charity with this Jewish emblem above you, especially as the fell...

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