UPJOKE

Homeless Guy Jokes

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy.

You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.

A kid sees a homeless guy begging on the street,

And gets to chatting with him. The guy is nice enough but obtains from the conversation that the lad is off to put some money in the bank, and asks as the kids gets up to go.

"So, can you spare a few of those dollars, kid?"

"Are you going to use it on drugs?"

"No sir, food a...

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I tried to share a hot dog with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.

He told me, “Fuck off! Get your own.”

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you."

So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog..

He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

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2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!
...

A homeless guy is on the road...

A homeless guy is on the road, thinking how he is going to die if doesn't get shelter soon.

He saves a lot of money he got from begging to buy a specific thing, according to him, is going to help him survive.

Finally, he buys a blue cake with lines, and shows it to anybody who came clo...

Homeless guy is walking in one shoe

Somebody asks him:

-Oh, have you lost your shoe?

-Nope, I've found one!

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A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy…

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping o...

A $50 Lesson

A $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?' ...

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Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

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A homeless guy was caught at a craft store dipping his balls into a bag of glitter

It was pretty nuts.

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a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

A homeless guy walks into a bar

and stays there for 14 days.

I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today.

He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar

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Sex with a homeless guy

is right up your alley

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a homeless guy!

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

I gave a homeless guy hope today.

Perhaps I'll give him my other daughter tomorrow.

What does a homeless guy do first when he finds a laptop?

He searches through the Recycle bin.

I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...

And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.

A homeless guy asked me for some money.

I said "Dude, look at the car that I drive! Does it look like I have money to spare?" and so he left.

It's no wonder he's homeless if he's dumb enough to think I would have money left over after buying a Lamborghini.

I need help finding a joke a homeless guy told me.

Hello reddit, (I hope the mods don’t mind)
Today I saw a guy holding up a sign that said “will work for food” so I stop at a gas station and I bought a cheese burger, a bottle of pop and cookie. then I drove back to where he was and I gave him the food, he was really happy and grateful and he wa...

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A homeless guy is sitting on a bus

He's sitting on a bus, right behind the driver.

At the next stop in comes a nun, but not any nun, the most beautiful nun the homeless guy has ever seen, so beautiful in fact, that he just can't keep his mouth closed, drooling and moaning and groping the air towards her until she gets too frea...

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A homeless, a homosexual and a drunk guy end up in heaven

God comes to them, points at the homeless and says:

-I will give all of you another shot, but if you ever take even a coin without earning it, my lightning will strike you

Then he points at the drunk guy:

-If you ever drink alcohol again, same will happen to you

Then he p...

A drunk homeless guy wanted to fight me yesterday

As soon as he kicked me and lost his shoe I could smell defeat.

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This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". ...

Did you hear about the homeless guy running for U.S. President?

He demands change in America

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I ha...

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What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.

I asked the local homeless guy what he thought of the rubbish collectors in this city.

He said, "They leave a lot to be desired."

I offered to get my old air mattress for a homeless guy the other day.

Thanks! He replied enthusiastucally. I then told him id throw in my air guitar aswell as I walked away laughing.

I tried sharing a bag of popcorn with a homeless guy recently

He told me to screw off and buy my own

So I came home today to find a homeless guy munching biscuits over my PC cabinet.

When I confronted him he said he'd clear the cookies later.

Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

‪I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

‪Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?‬

Paid a homeless guy $1 for this: What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(They will always say "arrrrrrhh.")

Nope, P, it's like arrrrrrhh without a leg.

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What do you call a japanese homeless guy?

Tokyo Drifter

What do you call two homeless guys trowing stones to each other?

PILLOW FIGHT!!

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Two homeless guys...

are walking down the tracks. One is in a great mood.

HM2: looks to HM1 and says why are you in such a great mood?

HM1: Because yesterday I fell in love?

HM2; really?

HM1: Yes, I was walking down the tracks and I saw a woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and we made...

Two homeless guys are watching a dog lick it's nuts...

... One says to the other
"I wish I could do that"
The other scoffs and replies
"you'd wanna ask him first"

Gave a homeless guy a dollar and got this joke...

What came first - the chicken, or the egg?

Neither. The rooster always comes first.

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I saw a homeless guy in town shouting about a lot of random stuff...

It was a vague rant.

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Two homeless guys are walking on along some train tracks..

One of the homeless men turn to the other and says " I must be the luckiest guy alive ! "

Oh yeah why's that the other replied.

"Last week I found a big bag of weed and beer on these very same tracks!"

Wow, that is pretty lucky . But I think I'm luckier , I found a woman tied up...

There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........

when one says to the other. "Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"

The second guy says "No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's nasty." So his buddy says "Suit yourself." And goes to town eatin...

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Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense...

You could say it was a vague rant.

This morning I saw a homeless guy talking to his shadow...

Does that mean six more weeks of recession?

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

Priorities

A guy starts his new job and makes it a habit to get coffee from the nearby cafe and give some of the change to the same homeless guy. As the time progressed the homeless guy notices that over the years the amount he received was going down. He stops the guy one day and asks if everything is going ...

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

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Nowadays teens could just look up porn on the internet. Back in my day, they only had porn in the stores. But they wouldn’t sell it to us because we were underage. So we had to pool our money and give it to the homeless guy outside of the store.

He then would strip and play with himself for us. It wasn’t terrible but my point is you kids got it easy.

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids

Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

The Great Showman

While doing his rounds on a cruise ship out at sea, a porter on a cruise ship comes across a homeless man sleeping in a lifeboat. He wakes the man up and asks him why he's there.

"I'm homeless, obviously, just looking for somewhere to lay my head," the homeless man replies.

"Give me on...

What is dark humor?

Little Bobby asks his father one day: Hey dad, what is dark humor?

Dad: go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him .

Bobby: but dad I don't have any legs or arms .

Dad: Exactly son.

I saw a werewolf behind the bus stop last night!

Or a really hairy homeless guy.

Either way, the silver bullet worked!

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Help the poor

I saw a homeless guy this morning who was starving and asking for food. I felt so bad. So I did what every sensible person would do. I went to the jewelry store and bought a bunch of stuff for my wife and a brand new Mercedes for me.

Surely, this money will trickle down to the poor bastard.<...

What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

[Long] Veteran of Mexican war

Guy walks down the street of Texas when he sees a homeless guy with wooden leg. He immediately thinks: "Of course, some dirty homeless guy asking for money...".

Then he notices a written note in front of the homeless guy saying: "Veteran of Mexican war".

Guy remembers what was going ...

All the good stuff is gone

A bartender was closing the bar down for the night when he hears a knock on the back door. He opens the door to a homeless man and asks "How can I help you?" The homeless man asks the bartender if he can have a toothpick. The bartender looks perplexed and says sure. So he gives him a toothpick. The...

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

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A man goes to Vatican to meet the Pope

A man goes to the Vatican to meet the Pope. When he arrives there is a long line of people waiting.

The man has a fresh haircut, wears his best suit and polishes his shoes to make sure he looks as good as possible.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake hands with the people ...

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gecko

So the other day I saw a homeless guy holding a frickin Geico sign. Seriously, dude, dirty as fuck, obviously nothing going on, holding a sign that says "You can save 15% on your car insurance by switching to Geico" with the stupid lizard on it. I walk up to the guy and say "Is geico actually paying...

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A rich Blonde & rich Brunette...

A rich Blonde & rich Brunette get off a flight & are waiting in the airport terminal for ride.
The brunette asks the blonde where are you heading?


The Blonde replies: 'I'm heading to The Marriott in the city'


The Brunette says: 'So am I, why don't we share a li...

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

My friend made it his life’s mission to fight poverty.

He wrestles homeless guys every weekend.

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A spiritual healer named Lee...

...ducked into an alley to pee.
He pissed in the eye,
Of some blind homeless guy,
Who cried, "holy shit! I can see!"

How do you know it’s time for a new pair of shoes?

The homeless guy gives you back change for your dollar

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Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.

The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that'...

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