How can you tell a hobo just got laid?

He's got 2 clean fingers.

A hobo runs up and asks, "where's the hospital?"

"I'll call an ambulance," I replied, "are you hurt?"

"No man. I just love their cheese sandwiches."

What do you call a hobo who can fly?

Peter Panhandle

Did you hear the one about the hobo who refused to wash?

He got arrested for fragrancy.

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Three Hobos are hunkered down around a jungle fire by the railroad tracks

Reminiscing about the windfalls they'd found in their years riding the rails and living the vagabond life. The first hobo said:

"This one time, a train stopped, and I found a whole case of pork and beans. Took some strength to haul it off and hide it, but I had enough chow to make it through ...

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Did you hear about the cockney hobo who offered no resistance to electrical current?

He was ohm-less.

The lawyer is painting his house, and a hobo comes around and asked if he could do something or in a few dollars.

The lawyer says, "sure, take a can of paint and go around to the back of the house and paint my porch."
The hobo does this and 15 minutes later comes back and says he's finished. The lawyer says, "already?" And the hobo says," yeah, but it isn't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"

Why aren’t there any hobos from Indiana?

Because beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

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Horny hobo goes to a sex hotel

So an old poor man, David, walked in to a sex hotel and asked the receptionist what action he could get for 5 dollars to which the receptionist replied ''Go to room 54''.
The man went up the stairs and at the end of the hallway was room 54, he walked in and saw a really old lady. He thought to...

Whats The Difference Between a Hobo On a Unicycle And a Man In a Suit On a Bike?

Attire.

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2 Hobo's are walking along a road

They come across a bridge with a man dangling another man by his ankles over the edge.

They rush over and hear "YEP". With that the man is lifted up holding a fish in his hands.

The Hobo's hungry and desperate for food asked if they could have a go and were quickly chased off by the 2 ...

Two hobos get together at the end of the day to see how much money they have.

Hobo 1: "I only have 1 dollar, what are we going to do?"

Hobo 2: " I have nothing. Okay, let's buy a Bologna sausage and then go to a bar, I have an idea."

So they buy a bologna sausage and go to a bar and drink a couple of beers on the tab. They have a great time, but it's getting qui...

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Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpress...

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Guy goes to mass at St. Peter's Basilica...

Sitting opposite him in the front row are two hobos. Throughout the entire mass, the hobos are eating peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor.

The man is very angry at this, and decides he's going to give the hobos a piece of his mind after the mass is over.

However, at the concl...

I remember in America seeing this old hobo sitting at the roadside singing...

He was playing Give a Little Bit. I said that’s Supertramp. He said thank you very much sir.

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

Two Hobos

Two hobos were walking down the tracks. They encounter a mangy old dog sitting in the middle of the tracks, contorted into that weird position and licking his nuts. One hobo says wistfully, “Gee, I wish could do that.” His companion replies, “Well, maybe you should start by petting him first.”

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a hobo finds a woman on the ledge of a bridge crossing a deep valley

Hobo: "hey, are you going to jump?"
Woman: "Yes I am going to jump. I can't go on with life"
H: "well, before you do that, don't you want to have sex a last time? like, say, with me?"
W: "ha, definitely not. You'll understand that if I'm about to commit suicide, I'm not really in the ...

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What do you call a nice-smelling hobo?

A fragrant vagrant

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Hobo Sex

Hobo walks back into the camp where his buddies are having dinner. He is all happy and smiling.

They ask, why are you so happy.

He replies, well, I was walking along the track and found a beautiful woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and we had sex for hours.

One of his bu...

A hobo, all rags and dirty face walks into a fine restaurant.

He approaches the waiter and politely asks: "Excuse me, Sir. I know I don't belong here, but may I ask you for a fork, please?"

The waiter, obviously relieved the hobo doesn't intent to stay, agrees and gives him a fork. The hobo thanks the waiter and leaves with his fork.

Only seconds...

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

How many hobos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in dumpsters

What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard?

Pillow fight

Why does the hobo only drink coffee?

Because he has no proper tea! Hehehhehahahahhhehveahhs

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Hobo is looking for food in waste containers near MIT campus...

...and suddenly sees a nude drunk young woman sleeping in one of the containers. He wakes her up and asks her:

"What is the second law of thermodynamics?"

Before falling back asleep girl looks at him with dull gaze and answers:

"T... total entropy of an isolated system can never...

“Is ‘hobo’ a bad word for a first grade class?”

“Of course not, it’s a bad word for a homeless person.”

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and a hobo are walking down the street when they simutaneously see a $100 bill. Who gets it?

The hobo. The rest are mythical creatures.

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Hobo and the hot dog

Two hobos guys are dying to get shit faced and they only have 75 cents between them. So they hatch a plan and buy one hot dog.
They go into the bar, tie one on and when the bartender asks them to pay up the one hobo pokes the hot dog through his fly and the other hobo guy starts sucking on it....

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Two hobos walking the tracks....

Two hobos are walking the tracks when they come upon a dead squirrel. The first hobo cooks the squirrel, offering some to the second hobo, who declines.

As they keep walking they find a dead rabbit. Again the first hobo cooks a nice meal, offers some to the second hobo, who declined.

...

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Two Hobos are walking along a train track.

The one hobo goes to the other hobo, "Did I ever tell you about the best day of my life? I was walking down these very same tracks and out of the corner of my eye I saw a 50 dollar bill stuck between a track. I bought myself a case of Thunder Ripple and me and Sneaky Pete and One Eyed Dan partied ...

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Two hungry hobos

Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks bemoaning how long it had been since either one had eaten. They come across a racoon that had been half squished by a train, and one exclaims "Our luck has changed, we can split it!"

The second hobo demurred, "No thanks, I'm going to wait for a...

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Simon the soft hearted hobo

A woman is at the top of a cliff working up the nerve to jump to her death when a smelly homeless person walks up and says, "Hey lady, if you are going to jump why don't we have sex first?"

And she yells, "No! Get away from me!"

So the homeless guy says, "Fine! I'll just wait at the b...

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Hobo fit, told to me by a 93 year old woman in a nursing home

An old hobo is walking down a dry and dusty road asking the tracks when he comes by a lonely farm house. He's tired, hungry and thirsty so decides to knock on the door to see if he can get some water or food. The farmer's wife answers the door and sees the dirty character at her door and slams it in...

Have you heard about the hobo gangster?

Word on the street is he's roofless.

A hobo walks into a bar...

A hobo walks into a bar. The barman shouts at him 'Get out! We don't serve your type in here!' The hobo says 'OK OK I'll leave. But all I want is a toothpick'. The barman, suspicious, hands him a toothpick and the hobo leaves. 5mins later another hobo comes in and the barman says 'get out! We don't...

A hobo got robbed

A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.

"I want to report a robbery! al...

Two intoxicated hobos were walking on a railroad track.

After a while of struggling, one of them slurred, "This must be the longest staircase in the world." The other replied in a drunken lisp, "That's not so bad. But, what's killing me are these low handrails.

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2 Hobos

Two hobos are sitting around a campfire, cooking up some squirrel and talking about good luck.

The first hobo says, "My luckiest day was the day I found a wallet with $150.00 in it and NO ID. I was drunk for a week straight."

The scond hobo says, "My luckiest day was the day I found a...

A hobo is lying on the beach covered in newspaper...

...and suddenly a young girl appears and asks him what's under the newspaper. He responds in a gravely voice, "Eh, it's just a bird." She then asks him if she can play with his bird. He laughs and says, "Sure, why not." A few minutes later he falls asleep.

Hours later, he wakes up, but this t...

Two hobos are walking down the railroad tracks.

One says “You know, just last month I found a woman here, tied to the tracks and left for dead.”
The other hobo asks “so what did you do?’
The first hobo replies “I did what anybody else would do; I picked her up off the tracks, took her over to those bushes over there and had my way with her...

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Two hobos ran into each other in a train yard...

One said to the other, "Man you won't believe what happened last night. I was walking down the tracks drinking my wine and there was a woman tied to the tracks, like in the old movies! So she's yelling and I'm struggling to get the ropes untied, all the while I can hear the train getting closer. Soo...

Three hobos are walking down the train tracks...

And after days of walking and no food in their bellies they find a dead squirrel. Two of the hobos start eating but the third refuses. The first two ask him why and he replies “I’m waiting for a hot meal.”

After eating the squirrel they continue on their way. Along the tracks they fi...

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So two hobos are sitting around a fire cooking hot dogs and drinking whiskey...

The first bum says, "I had the best day today. I went into town and I found these hot dogs that we are eating and this whiskey that we are drinking. What more could a guy ask for?"

"That's pretty good" says the second hobo, "but my day was even better. I was down by the railroad tracks and I ...

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What did the hobo say to the prostitute?

Hey girl, I'd sleep in that box.

Wanna know the difference between a street performer and a hobo?

The age

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My older brother regularly has sex with tramps

I think he may be a hobo-sexual

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Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer

Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer. When He enters John's office, John figures out what's going on and starts laughing hysterically. "What's up with the scythe? You look like an out-of-work farmer", he says. Red with embarrassment, Death storms out.

The next day,...

Man on the mountain

One day on a nearby mountain a man stood atop it. He looked at the view and turned his pockets inside out. Powdered gold gushed out at amazing speed as he stood there.

Soon the media caught wind of this and went to investigate. After stuffing as many buckets of gold into their van as they cou...

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A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff.

Trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to  kill yourself  anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"  
The woman said  "Hell no! Get  away from me  you sicko!"  
The bum turned to leave  and muttered,  "Fine,  I'll just go  wait at the botto...

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

I slept in a box last night and all my friends think I'm homeless now.

I forgot to call no hobo.

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Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the ...

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What do you call someone who likes to have sex with the homeless?

A hobo-sexual

Can I crash at your place tonight ?

No Hobo tho.

Timmy Got a Job!

Timmy boy, a young hobo who left home in search for wealth, got his 14th job in the 3 months he has been traveling. His first shift at Bob’s Animal Candies Inc. started at 9 am, Tuesday. After working for hours at the breath fresheners’ line, he began to get bored, so Timmy decided to take a break t...

Bad Dog

One winter day, a guy was walking down the street when he saw a mangy old dog lying in the middle of the sidewalk. It was covered in flies and seemed to be barely alive. Rather than try to help it, the guy gave it a sharp kick and laughed as it limped away.

Without warning, the guy became a s...

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps

Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants

I've come to tell you a lie that is true.


One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives and shot ...

Just took a nap in the dumpster.

No hobo.

What were people called before they built houses?

Hobo sapiens

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A man, Tony, breaks up with his girlfriend...

...and decides the best way to get over her is to go to the bar and pick up a new chick for the night. He buys drinks for all the ladies and none of them show interest. At the end of the night the bartender makes the last call and Tony, disappointed, makes his way out the back to head home. As the d...

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"So yesterday I found a genie in a beer bottle...

Due to his container he was quite intoxicated, and forgot how the whole 3 wishes thing worked, so instead he gave me 3 options, have a perfect memory, have a life that will always be successful, or have a giant dick, I can't remember what I chose." The man said to his fellow hobo.

A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a wor...

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

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4 jokes you shouldn't laugh at but you still do ..... NSFW I guess

Reddit give me your worst most racist/sexist/dirtiest joke that you know you shouldn't laugh at but you still do. I'll start off with a few of my favorites:

Q: what do you call 5 black men hanging in a tree?
A: Mississippi wind chime

Q: why do women wear white on their wedding day?<...

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The Purple Flower

So there's this guy walking to school and on his way there he sees these two girls talking to each other. He drops in on their conversation and hears them talking about a purple flower. He thought to himself "Purple flower?" and stops to think about it. He realizes he's late for school and runs as f...

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A note to a priest (Long).

A young priest was about to lead his first mass. Because he was nervous, the bishop told him to put a bit of vodka in the wine and drink a bit before the mass. The priest did that.

Then his memory shuts out, and after a few hours, he wakes up with a note saying:

"My son, I have a few ...

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A wealthy man goes to Rome...

...in one of his finest suits the hope that when he visits the Vatican, he can be granted an audience with the Holy Father. During one of the Papal processions, he manages to make his way to the front of the barrier as the Pontiff walks past them. Instead, the Pope completely blanks the man, and sto...

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The Pope's in Town

The Pope is in town and nearly everybody is lining up outside of the the local church for a chance to meet him.

A religious man, looking forward to the chance of meeting the Pope, puts on his best suit and gets on line. It is the man's dream to discuss God with the Pope, and he has so many q...

In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey

Hobo Ken.

A man walks into a bar...

After a few beers he is in the middle of a conversation with the bartender, they start talking about penguins and the man brings up:
"I have never seen a penguin"
The bartender replies "what?! You have never seen a penguin?! Get out of my bar and never come back".
The bartender calls for se...

What do you call a homeless monkey in the woodwind part of an orchestra?

The oboe bonobo hobo.

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Don't ask...

So one fine day, a young boy is listening to the radio. He has very bad reception so the radio is sort of static, nevertheless, he catches something about a purple donut. His curiosity sparked, he meanders over to his mother and said, "Momma, what's a purple donut?" She then gets this wild look in h...

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Piper was out for a walk in the park with her boyfriend

Piper was out for a walk in the park with her boyfriend Peter when they were held up by two drunk hobos. Without warning, the bums start beating the shit out of him. During the fray, Peter screamed out, "for the love of God, do something!" As quick as she could, Piper unzipped the bum's pants and st...

Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding?

It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.

I like sleeping outside.

No hobo.

A female drifter

I'm a drifter, a woman, and you don't find that much, especially in England. I run a scam pretending to be a nanny. Too recently, I had to eliminate some competition for the job. I got in, and got in real good with the parents. Scared the kids. I gave them LSD and forced them to consort with a schiz...

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