UPJOKE
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A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say butt

Why are New Zealand horses so fast?

Because they've seen what they do to the sheep.

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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

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Dwarf with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse

A dwarf walks into a feed store and starts a conversation with the owner, it comes up that he’s looking to buy a horse. The owner tells him about his friend who owns a horse ranch just outside of town. The owner calls up his friend and says "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He ...

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Two friends get their own horses but don't know how to seperate which is whose.

Friend 1: Since we don't know to to seperate them. We should cut the tail off of one of them. I'll take the one with the tail and you take the one without it.

Friend 2 agrees. So they cut the tail of one of the horses and each take one.

The next morning, both friends wake up and find o...

My favorite music is songs about horses

Idk if theres a genre but i call it clip clop

Horses are awesome during the day.

But then, they become night-mares.

A physicist tries betting on horse races

The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the ...

Why do horses make the ultimate contrarians?

Because they'll only ever say neigh

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars

Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses

Oh how the stables have turned

Did you read that romance about 5he two homeless horses

Let's just say it wasn't a stable relationship

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse…

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse, and he walks up to the local horse dealer and asks him about the horses he has to offer.

The horse dealer is telling the cowboy about one of the horses when the cowboy begins to lose interest. Out of the corner of his eye, the cowboy’s spotted the most ...

Winged horses are illegal in most US states.

But in Alabama, it's perfectly fine to peg-a-sis.

Husbands are like horses

If you're not riding them, they're running off.

Horses are so negative.

All they do is neigh.

Two friends went to buy two horses

After picking their favorite horses, they asked each other how would they make them different so they don't get mixed up

\-I'll pierce the ear of my horse

\-oh no, I want my horse's ear pierced too

\-so we both pierce our horses ears; then how wo...

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

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(NSFW) A horse jocky with a lisp, is going to buy a horse

After being shown around and finding the horse he wants. He asks the man,

"Let me thee its mane."

The man picks him up, and he pets the mane. He sets him back down and he says,

"Ok, ok. Let me thee it's tail."

The man picks him up, and the jocky pets his tail. The man se...

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?

Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

Today I thought my horses were sick

But it turns out there in stable condition

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

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Two race horses were sitting at a bar ...

Two race horses were sitting at a bar having a few beers when one turns the other and says, "Jerry, something really strange happened to me at the track the other day"

"What happened Bill?"

"Well, I was running a race and I was stuck in the middle of the pack trying to break away. I...

Where do seahorses go to school?

At the Hippocampus.

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

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Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

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The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

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A guy rides hies horse in the forest and all of a sudden a small dwarf jumps at the road

the person almost killing the dwarf stops hies horse
go down and tell him "are you mental ?! i could have killed you!"
the dwarf replies "oh thanks for not killing me, im actually a magical dwarf and for saving my life ill grant you three wishes"
the rider thinks for a second a says sure.....

I work on a farm taking care of horses

It's a stable job

Why are horses such high performers?

... because they are brought up in stable environments!

Credit: my wife!

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital.

Lol jks, they get shot.

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