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Hates Jokes

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

A Man Hates His Wife's Cat, So He Decides To Get Rid Of It

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife hates me for having sex with her sister

I got home the other day from work and my wife says "you fucking son of a bitch" and asked what I had done.

Wife: You had sex with my sister you asshole!

Me: Look honey I got into my office in work and there she was lying naked on the table, what should I have done?

Wife: The a...

My boss hates that I have started saying 'just do it'

Somehow he thinks it's inappropriate for 'suicide prevention hotline'

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My girlfriend hates it when I call her 'curvy'.

She says it's Scoliosis.

How do you know if a female bartender hates you?

There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!

Why does reddit hates fencing?

Because of all the riposting.

My wife hates it when I work from home

I am an embalmer

Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much

We may as well call him the "Not Si" President

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

If someone who hates Christmas is called a Grinch...

what do you call someone who hates Valentine's Day?

Single.

What animal loves and hates the Arctic?

The Bi-polar Bear

My shoe hates the ground

There's a lot of friction between them.

My GF said she hates my sense of direction.

So I packed my stuff and right.

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight...

She needs to lighten up.

My wife hates to step on a scale

Because everytime she does, we have to replace it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which profession hates the spacebar?

Therapists.

What do you call a potato that hates women

A Pro-Tate-o

It's ironic that Alex Jones hates the LGBT community when he's secretly a drag queen.

His drag name is Miss Information.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

My friend hates his job at the slaughterhouse

He said he has to collect all the innards from the animals to make into pet food. We both agree that's absolutely offal.

Why does Jesus hates playing video games?

Because it takes him three days to respawn.

My girlfriend said she hates being on her period.

I told her it was better than being in a comma.

My girlfriend hates her body.

I hate it too. Not because there's anything wrong with it, but because she hates it and I'm on *her* side.

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

I added some fruit and orange juice. Now she's sangria than ever.

My ex-girlfriend hates being referred to by that title.

She says it's not appropriate for me to call my wife that.

My girlfriend hates when I pee in the shower...

But if it's such a big deal, why doesn't she just get out?

Juliet hates it when people give her advice about relationships.

It’s not her first Romeo.

What type of bug hates Christmas?

A humbug

I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

My grandma hates her new stairlift...

She says it drives her up the wall.

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